Dawn Answers: Does the porn she watches mean anything?
Matt asks:
Hey Dawn,
First the traditional, “Thank you for all the great work you do.” I wouldn’t be reaching out to you unless I believed in your work. Never have I written in for advice on sex.
My wife was my high school sweetheart. We fucked every chance we had. After high school, we went our separate ways for 15 years, but remained friends. Finally, we decided we were meant for each other, and in the early stages, the sexting and pics were nonstop. Marriage happened. A kid. Things slowed down dramatically, like it does for most.
I am in love with my wife and find her to be the most attractive woman on the planet. I am always sexually aroused by thoughts of her. She seems to look at sex as a chore and wants it done quick with no foreplay. A lot of this could be based on the fact that my attempts to romance her have decreased. I stopped wooing her and went straight to, “hey, let’s do it.” I need to work on that.
We don’t open up and talk enough, and I would love to. I don’t want to be shy about sex and what interests us.
Recently, she found out that I enjoy watching male porn. It turns me on. As a result, I learned she enjoys DP porn, but the conversations ended at that.
I guess I was afraid to ask further, only because I didn’t want to pressure her into telling me why. But I am questioning the hell out of it! Does the porn she watches reflect her desire? I’m not so much asking what I should do, but what do you think about her watching these?
I hope to hear any advice to have and feel free to use it in the show. Thank you again.
Matt
First off, you aren’t alone when it comes to not talking about sex.
Most people struggle with openly discussing their sexual wants and needs, especially after being in relationship for many years when things begin to feel routine.
You asked about porn, which I’ll address, but the bigger issue is the lack of communication you and your wife are experiencing.
So, let’s start with the porn question.
Does the kind of porn your wife watches mean anything? Specifically, in this instance, double penetration?
The answer is maybe.
People watch porn for a variety of reasons. Sometimes people watch something out of curiosity, other times it’s a fetish. Many people watch porn for the sole purpose of getting aroused and getting off.
Sex with another person is often rather complicated, which is part of the excitement. What are they thinking? How does my hand feel to them? What will they say if I ask for what I want? How much time do we have before we have to go to work or the kids get home? Every single time we engage in a sexual experience with someone else, there are countless factors at play.
Sex on your own, especially with the help of a visual aid like porn, is a lot more straightforward for many folks. Watch a few videos that turn you on, put your hand between your legs, and voila.
Of course, you can use porn as a way to build anticipation, to tease yourself, to tease a lover, to learn about new aspects of sexuality, but let’s be honest.
Most of us watch porn to get off. What we watch, though, isn’t necessarily something we want to experience in real life.
Many people (myself included) have fantasies that are erotic, arousing, hot, and take up a lot of space in the spank bank, but often many of those fantasies are meant to be just that – fantasies.
Your wife may love watching DP porn for any number of reasons – maybe she likes the thought of having the attention of two lovers, or maybe she’s enticed by the sensations of being really full or stretched open, or maybe it feels extra naughty because it’s super taboo for her. Or maybe, it disgusts her and that disgust is arousing.
The only way to know is to ask her, and then, if she does share her experience with you, it’s your job to believe her response.
Of course, the WAY you ask her about the porn she watches determines her response and how safe she’ll feel being honest with you.
It’s critical for you to dig into your motivation for asking BEFORE you initiate the conversation, though.
Are you curious from a genuinely open place? Do you want to know because you feel threatened or insecure about this secret she’s had? Or, do you want it to be an opportunity to have a threesome? If it’s that last one, be very careful that your questions aren’t about pressuring her or manipulating her into one of your fantasies.
Like so many questions I get, the only person who can fully answer your question is your wife.
Which brings me to the communication issue.
Too many people wait until there’s a problem and then try to communicate about sex. That’s a highway to chaos and pain, if you ask me.
Talking about sex is just like talking about anything else – the only thing that makes it feel awkward is that we don’t do it nearly as often as we talk about dinner or sports or who is going to do the dishes.
If you’re not a great communicator outside the bedroom, you aren’t going to be a great communicator when it comes to talking about sex, either.
So, start a few steps BEFORE sex.
How? A great place to start is with some intimacy building questions about your life and relationship. Practice getting curious. Learn how to listen and hear your partner/spouse without interjecting or adding your own thoughts.
Once you both feel comfortable talking about your dreams, hopes, wishes, and desires, it becomes a lot easier to start talking about fantasies, pleasure, and what is or is not working between the sheets.
If your wife is approaching sex as a chore, it’s probably largely to do with feeling obligated and unappreciated. She may also feel overwhelmed and exhausted from everything on her To Do list.
Again, the only way to know how to support her and help her feel more desirable is to ask and then really listen – without getting defensive or upset.
Circling back to your original question – sometimes we watch porn because it’s something we want to experience. Sometimes we watch it for other reasons. And, the truth is, the answer can change from day to day as our mood changes and life circumstances change, too.
Find a way to ask her, let her answer be her answer, and then let it go. If you feel compelled to dig into WHY she watches it after she answers, then the work that needs to be done is on yourself…