There’s a great piece circulating on how emotional regulation is the skill of the 21st century.

Emotional and somatic skills are crucial. Having language for our feelings, having tools to help us have more choice in how we respond is a big part of what it means to be free.

There are some great tidbits in this piece on how we can begin to practice more emotional resilience, responding instead of reacting….

AND

What is so often missing from the discussions about emotional intelligence and regulation is that we do not exist in a vacuum.

It is not ONLY on us.

Of course we zoom into our lizard brain and react when we are in danger, when we are constantly and endlessly being ridiculed or attacked or experiencing the endless onslaught of microaggressions. Sometimes overreacting is exactly the right reaction.

When I do something, it has a very real and important impact on the people around me. So it’s not just about them being better at regulating their emotions. It’s about all of us collectively doing more to practice co-regulating and taking responsibility for the impact we have on the people around us.

There’s a lot of really normalized gaslighting and manipulation in much of the current relationship literature and mental health circles about owning your feelings and how no one is responsible for your feelings but you — and that’s poppycock because it’s only PART of the story.

If someone is short with me, I do get to choose how to respond in that moment. And yes, having more practice, more tools, more language, more access to my body will all help me to have more choice and agency in a moment like that.

However, if people are short with me 10, 20, 100 times a day because of the color of my skin or the size of my body or a disability I may have or because I’m poor, then my primary job is to survive that kind of corrosive violence. Can we really say it’s unhealthy that people in this position aren’t “regulating their emotions” the 37th time someone crosses the line?

Yes, more choice is a wonderful thing, but I am very wary of conversations about feelings that put the onus entirely on the individual. Becoming more skilled at knowing our emotions and our embodied wisdom is a privilege and a gift, and I have to be able to also hold that each of us have an impact on each other.

I am reminded, again, of Dom Chatterjee’s post which I will quote below because more of us need to be invested in helping each other, offering understanding and compassion and grace especially with people who experience ongoing violence or who maybe don’t have the resources to access support in the same ways we do.

Dom Chatterjee wrote:

“Friendly reminder that boundaries require energy. And energy is not an infinite resource.

There’s a lot of talk about boundaries as if they are a personal responsibility, as if it’s an individual’s fault if “weak boundaries” lead to them being harmed. That’s an ableist and overly individualistic view.

If you know someone who is struggling with boundaries, please ask yourself how you can contribute to holding their boundaries instead of asking them why they don’t do more for themselves. Assume they are doing their best in a complex and challenging situation. Either lend your resources to lay the foundation for their wellbeing or stay silent about their problems.” (bolding is my own — for emphasis)

I think a similar question can be asked here: How can you contribute to helping the people around you feel safe enough to regulate their emotions, to get curious about their responses, to feel their feelings fully? And…are the people in your life doing the same for you?