I used to be the queen of expectations – always dreaming and wishing and pushing for specific outcomes. I called it good planning or being prepared or keeping my eye on the prize, and while it’s great to have goals, it becomes unhealthy when you cling to the point of rigidity.

One day, I realized that part of my need to control things stemmed from my own insecurity. If things weren’t perfect, then I was a failure, right?

As I began working on believing that I was enough, I started letting go.

I began opening my clenched fists and inviting life to happen.

I learned the art of surrender (an important element of tantra) and something amazing happened.

I started having way more fun. Life took on a playful quality. Frustrations evaporated, disappointments became opportunities for something new, my relationships blossomed, and my resistance to reality began to fade.

Because clinging to expectations, demanding a certain outcome? It’s all about resisting reality, which is the root cause of all suffering.

What happens when you let go?

Here’s the secret no one talks about. When you let go and surrender to what is, when you live fully in the moment, you have an even greater influence over what comes next because you’re fully present and giving all of yourself to life.

Yes, letting go can be terrifying. Yes, surrendering expectations is scary.

Your partner is imperfect. Your body is unpredictable. Life is messy. And nothing can change those things.

When you push your spouse to be something other than what they are, when you put life on hold until your body is different, when you try to orchestrate sex because you want it to be just like what you see in the movies (all things I’ve seen in my coaching practice), you miss out on the good stuff.

You become blind to this moment. And this moment is where pleasure and joy and pain and beauty and love exist and thrive.

When you are so focused on what should come next, what’s supposed to be, you sacrifice experiencing the magnificence of what is actually happening right now.

What if you really want to have an orgasm when you’re having sex?

The fastest way to NOT have one is to get up in your head and over think it, push for it, tense up, and be so focused on getting it right (whatever that means) that you miss out on all that juicy, delicious, mind-blowing pleasure that’s happening now.

Because then you’re missing that tender caress, that soft intake of breath, the quivering gasp of need telling you just how much they want you.

Or maybe you’re so upset that the dishes didn’t get done that you fail to appreciate the fact that your partner did the laundry and vacuumed the house which saved you way more time. You both end up frustrated, feeling unappreciated, and closed down.

How many times have you missed an opportunity to giggle endlessly over an unexpected plot twist because you’ve detonated the anger bomb when things didn’t play out just so?

In “Girl Sex 101”, Allison Moon says, “If you’re not attached to outcomes, success can look like a myriad of things…”

Being goal-oriented in your relationship (and in bed) is like failing to turn the wheel as you approach a curve in the road.

Relationships are gloriously unpredictable things. Sex is like a jam session where you never know what you’re going to get until you show up.

Stop worrying about what everyone else is doing and just do you.

Who says kids have to be part of the plan? Who says your house has to be pristine whenever guests come over? Who says sex is only good if an orgasm happens?

Everything changes when you let go.

You find your power.

You discover your pleasure.

You invite joy and can actually marvel at the beauty of what you have when you have it.

Because there are no guarantees.

We aren’t promised tomorrow or next week or next month, no matter how much you want it.

So, let go. Breathe.

Stop for a moment and take stock of what is instead of worrying about what should be.

Let yourself make mistakes, and let your loved make mistakes, too. See them as opportunities rather than failures.

Get rid of “should” and “supposed to” immediately.

What are you clinging to?

What is burdening you down and keeping you from enjoying your relationship, your body, your intimacy?

What would it feel like to no longer have that shame or frustration in your life? How much more space and ease would you have if you didn’t have to spend any more time thinking, fussing, worrying, arguing, resisting it ever again?

Sometimes letting go means having to apologize. Sometimes surrendering to what is means asking for something that you’re afraid to ask for.

But you’re worth it. Your relationship is worth it. Your pleasure is worth it.

Where do you get stuck? What are you resisting? Comment below and let’s brainstorm ways to help you move past it or work through it.