Straight guys having sexing with straight guys?

We want to start the episode by saying that we stand in solidarity with Stoya after she named James Deen as her rapist. It takes tremendous courage to speak up, especially when the person you’re naming is so popular and beloved.

Let’s talk about the psychology of victim blaming. Let’s also talk about supporting victims and focusing on healing.

Bondage Bands sent us a free sample of their bands, so Dawn has Dylan try them out on-air. Hilarity ensues.

A listener wants to know if their straight fantasies mean they are cheating or less queer. Plus, listeners write in about self-sucking.

Finally, what’s with straight guys having sex with other straight guys? Is this is a thing? Does that mean you’re gay? We dig in.

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Episode breakdown

• 0:55 – Thank you to all of our listeners for the record-breaking November.
• 1:43 – Dylan does fuck her chair a lot.
• 2:21 – Stoya, a porn star and producer who dated James Deen for a while, came out on Twitter and said James Deen raped her.
• 4:25 – Here is an article on how to support someone when they name their rapist.
• 5:10 – Let’s talk about the psychology of victim blaming and how when someone says “this person did this awful thing to me” it can threaten our world view, so instead of being uncomfortable, we turn our backs on the victim.
• 6:19 – The “false accusations” claim that many people make is really an attempt to cling to their world view.
• 7:04 – That’s why so many people didn’t want to hear about Bill Cosby. It makes you wonder how many other people have you misjudged? Is nothing safe? And that’s too scary for people.
• 9:06 – People aren’t willing to make a mistake because so often admitting that you’ve raped someone or committed sexual assault comes with a life-time label. We need to leave space for people who have done these things to heal and grow, too. But only if they really show up and take responsibility.
• 9:51 – Kitty Stryker wrote an incredible article on Feminism as a Brand. Check it out here.
• 10:54 – When your entire business is built on being a feminist, any threat to that empire can lead to bad decisions like cover-ups. Also, Kitty talks about how some of her most fucked up relationships were with guys who knew all the right words when it came to feminism and activism.
• 12:33 – Stoya has so much courage for speaking up.
• 16:58 – Bondage Bands sent us a free sample of their product to try.
• 19:30 – Put the bands around your wrists, ankles, or tits! Dylan is not so sure about that last one.
• 23:07 – It’s a cool idea that it’s travel friendly and washable, since rope isn’t washable, but it just needs various sizes to be a little more versatile.
• 25:53 – Our listener Lauren said she’d be all about a guy sucking himself off.
• 27:27 – Brian wrote in with a funny story of getting himself into quite the predicament that pairs nicely with self-sucking.
• 29:54 – A listener worries that it’s cheating to fantasize about other people during sex with their partner. Plus, it’s even worse since they are queer in a queer relationship and their fantasies are super straight. Is that bad?
• 31:22 – Your fantasies are a safe haven where you get to do and be anything you want. That doesn’t translate to real life for many people.
• 32:48 – Fantasies can be a really healthy way to explore new things without having to explain ourselves or actually take on the risks that might be involved.
• 34:00 – Your fantasies don’t determine your sexual orientation. You determine that.
• 35:17 – A word of warning about fantasizing while you’re with a partner.
• 35:37 – Sometimes Dawn uses a fantasy to go to Explode-y-Town during sex.
• 37:02 – Dawn is under orders not to touch herself. It’s torture.
• 38:14 – “I want a red ass.”
• 38:30 – Huffington Post had an episode about straight men who have sex with other men. You can check it out here.
• 41:40 – Some straight men enjoy sex with other men, but either don’t identify as gay or can’t because of life circumstances.
• 42:12 – Jane Ward wrote a book that came out last summer called “Not Gay: Sex Between Straight White Men” and she was on Tristan Taormino’s show “Sex Out Loud” talking about this very thing.
• 43:08 – HuffPo also had an article on 12 lesser known sexual identities.
• 46:00 – Dylan went to a high school reunion and this guy wanted to get with her SO bad.
• 47:11 – Dylan does not like being chased. She wants to do the damn chasing.
• 48:26 – Jane Ward talks about how straight men have all of these rituals for sexually touching other men, but it’s seen as hazing or forced on them so that they don’t have to be seen as gay.
• 50:54 – Dawn has a friend who is a straight white man and he has sex with men once a year at this kinky event he goes to. It’s a ritual for him, but he in no way wants to claim the gay identity because that would be denying his privilege and his own preferences.
• 53:09 – People who are so comfortable with their identity and sexuality are very attractive. Rawr.
• 54:06 – Is that like Jews for Jesus?
• 55:11 – We have this tendency to cling to labels.
• 56:49 – Identities can offer us safety and community, but they can also suffocate us and hold us back from finding new identities as we change.

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