tl;dr Can you change who you’re sexually attracted to? Is someone gay for getting blowjobs from a guy? Is it OK to cheat with a sex worker?

Patrons who support at $3 and above, this week’s bonus is several Am I The Asshole posts over at patreon.com/sgrpodcast. I want to know who you think is an asshole and who isn’t, so come join me for some laughs and share your thoughts about these predicaments.

Also, I love your emails. Send your questions my way! You can use the contact form at dawnserra.com.

We start by talking about the importance of treating sex workers with respect and we talk a little about a piece in The Guardian about self-care. Check it out here. I love what it’s offering about the ways self-care has been co-opted and what communal care can look like.

Then it’s on to your questions.

First up, Q just got their masters degree and through grad school put on some weight. Their partner of 6 years told them they aren’t as sexually attracted to them now because of that weight. Can someone change their sexual attraction?

Ohhhhh, do I have thoughts! If you want to hear more about situations like this, be sure to check out my chat with Carmen Cool at Explore More 2019, because we talked about this a lot, too.

Next, Britney is worried her boyfriend is gay. He was getting blowjobs from a gay guy in high school and might have done it again in college. Is he gay and how can she believe him when he’s lied before?

Let’s talk about sexual orientation and how it isn’t always as simple as whether someone is gay or not. Plus, trust seems to be pretty damaged, so I weigh in on how I think they can re-connect.

Finally, Ryan is in a long-term relationship of six years. They have an active and amazing sex life. That said, he has a desire to work with a sex worker to get an erotic massage, but he worries his partner will see that as cheating. Does he deny himself this pleasure just because his partner might not like it?

Relationship agreements are important, folks, and if you can’t abide by them, you shouldn’t be in a relationship.

A huge thanks to the Vocal Few for their song in the opening and closing of the episode and to Hemlock for their awesome song “Firelight” which was used in this episode between questions.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook and Dawn is on Instagram.

About Dawn Serra:

What if everything you’ve been taught about relationships, about your body, about sex is wrong? My name is Dawn Serra and I dare to ask scary questions that might lead us all towards a deeper, more connected experience of our lives. In addition to being the host of the weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real, the creator of the online conference Explore More, I also work one-on-one with clients who are feeling stuck, confused, or disappointed with the ways they experience desire, love, and confidence. It’s not all work, though. In my spare time, you can find me adventuring with my husband, cuddling my cats as I read a YA novel, or obsessing over MasterChef Australia.

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Episode Transcript

Dawn Serra: You’re listening to Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra, that’s me. This is a place where we explore sex, bodies, and relationships, from a place of curiosity and inclusion. Tying the personal to the cultural where you’re just as likely to hear tender questions about shame and the complexities of love, as you are to hear experts challenging the dominant stories around pleasure, body politics, and liberation. This is about the big and the small, about sex and everything surrounding it we don’t usually name. The funny, the awkward, the imperfect happen here in service to joy, connection, healing, and creating healthier relationships with ourselves and each other. So welcome to Sex Gets Real. Don’t forget to hit subscribe.

Hey, you! It is a rare treat today in Vancouver – the sun has made a brief appearance amid many weeks of rain and grey. So I am soaking it up as we round the corner on the last few days of our quarantine, which you heard about last week. I’m excited to be here with you and I really do want to say thank you so much for listening, for being here with me inside of these questions, for writing in – all of it.

Dawn Serra: Speaking of questions – I would love to hear from you. If you are feeling stuck, unsure, frustrated, scared, alone, excited – write to me. If you’re looking for resources, ideas, or suggestions, or some simple support – send that my way. There’s a handy contact form with an anonymous option, ‘cause I know some of you, that is a big part of why you write in. If you go to dawnserra.com, you’ll see the contact form there. Each and every message means so much to me and it means all of us get to learn together.

Patrons, if you support at $3 and above, this week’s bonus is some “Am I The Asshole” posts. I am going to share a few and weigh in on them because I think they’re very telling about some of the ways that we can behave in relationship, and there’s a few that I am not going to share my perspective on because I would love for YOU to vote – is this person the asshole or not? You can hear the bonus and share your thoughts at patreon.com/sgrpodcast. If you don’t support the show, $3 a month gets you access to weekly bonus content and there’s a massive back catalog at this point. At $5 per month, you can help me answer listener questions. Check it out at patreon.com/sgrpodcast.

Dawn Serra: I’m also excited because next week’s episode will be my chat with Inka Winter, the LA-based founder of the independent, all-woman production company ForPlay Films. We’re going to be talking porn. Looking forward to that. Before we jump into a few of your questions this week, something bubbled up that I thought was really important to share.

If you’ve listened to the show for any length of time, you know that I frequently recommend working with professionals when it comes to sex – from working with a professional Dominatrix to a sacred intimate to escorts and beyond. I am a huge believer in the power of hiring a professional to help us with some of the things that we feel stuck or unsure around, to give us an opportunity to practice things, to be witnessed. Sometimes the stakes are too high in relationships – when we’re dating someone or when we’re new to something – and a professional can help with that. But, there is one thing that I think really needs to be said. 

Dawn Serra: Heather Corinna, who is the founder of Scarleteen – which I think is one of the best sexuality websites on the planet, recently said something about working with sex workers and Aida Manduley shared it, which is how it came up on my feed. But here’s what Heather said, “I’m going to be real clear: if you do not want to treat anyone like a human being in the most basic ways but want to have sex, seeking out a sex worker is NOT what to do. Because sex workers ARE PEOPLE. Sex workers must be treated like people.” So those were Heather’s words.

All of us, at this point, should know that sex workers face tremendous violence: from police violence and state abuse, to extreme online censorship and things like doxxing, harassment, sexual violence, and so much more. And Heather’s words are something we all need to take to heart. If you aren’t capable of or don’t want to treat others like human beings, then the consequences of that behavior means you do not get access to partnered sex. Because everyone deserves to be treated like a human being and with respect. And that is a consequence of that kind of behavior. If you treat people like shit, if you feel entitled to other people’s bodies and their boundaries don’t matter as much as your own pleasure, then do not – I repeat DO NOT – turn to a sex worker and feel like you can treat them poorly simply because you’re paying. Nope. That is not how it works whether money is being exchanged or not, when we are engaging in some type of sexual experience, everyone in that room needs to be treated like a human being whose boundaries are going to be respected.

Dawn Serra: When I recommend hiring a professional, it means it’s coming with the expectation that doing so means you’re going to be treating that professional with respect, honoring their yeses and their nos, even if it means you don’t get all the things you want. And behaving the same as you would with any other professional that you’re hiring to help you like a doctor. That’s it – full stop. There are no exceptions.

All of us – all of us, whether we’re working with sex workers or not, have a responsibility to hold that line, to hold people accountable for their behavior. If you see someone mistreating a stripper or a porn star or an escort or a sacred intimate, or you hear them bragging about it, shut it down and hold them accountable. Because that’s the work that we collectively need to do to ensure more safety and respect of all sex workers. I really hope considering the magic of this audience that that didn’t need to be said, but I’m sharing it just to make it clear to anyone who’s listening that sex workers aren’t our catch-all. Sex workers are human beings and if we’re going to hire a professional to work with, then they deserve respect and to be able to negotiate what’s going to happen, and for that to go down in a way that is safe and consensual.

Dawn Serra: On an unrelated note, there was a fantastic piece in The Guardian this week all about self-care and why self-care is not the answer. I’m going to link to it at dawnserra.com/ep293 if you want to grab it. Here’s a snippet from the very end which I especially loved, because we’ve talked a lot about moving from self-care to communal care that I think a lot of people are not sure what that looks like. This is from the end of that piece in The Guardian that says:

“Communal care can include things like being a better neighbour, making yourself available for people who may need support, communities supporting each other emotionally and practically during crises such as the bushfires, to larger, more macro reforms and structural changes in society, such as advocating for universal health care, the introduction of a four-day workweek, more affordable and available childcare. Unless our care moves from the self to the collective or ideally both the self and the collective as a society, we will continue to be unwell.”

Dawn Serra: Yes! Oh my, God. So much yes to that! Self-care has been co-opted and is another symptom of neoliberalism and capitalism, at this point. There’s so much that we’re being sold on. This piece in the Guardian does a brilliant job of explaining why in very simple terms. Self-care is not the answer that we think that it is. So head to dawnserra.com/ep293 to grab that link and check it out if you want to share it. More of us need to be having this conversation. Let’s see where we’re going to go this week with your wonderful emails.

Q wrote in asking about sexual preferences. Here’s what they asked:

“Hello Dawn! I’m a big fan of your podcast as it has played a large role in helping me feel more sexually confident. I’m reaching out because my relationship has changed as my body has changed. I recently graduated with my master’s degree and I gained a bit of weight. During my time in school, my partner and I were in a long-distance relationship. Because of my weight gain, my partner has told me that he is “not as sexually attracted” to me. This completely devastated me. For the first time in my life, I feel comfortable in my skin. I have struggled with disordered eating in the past. But he says that he cannot control how he feels. I feel like this comment shouldn’t be a huge deal as he says that he is still attracted to me, just not as much as when I was smaller. What gets me is that I know that there is nothing that could happen to his body that would stop me from being attracted to him. He says he can’t control his attraction and that there’s nothing he can do. We have been in a relationship for six years and this is the first time that I feel completely rejected by my partner. Do you think that people can control who they are sexually attracted to?”

Dawn Serra: Hello Q! Thank you so much for writing in with a question that I know a lot of people have. It’s not the first time I’ve heard something along these lines and I know it won’t be the last. I am so sorry that you’re in this position because it really is completely unfair. You hit the nail on the head with your closing paragraph. You said, “What gets me is that I know that there is nothing that could happen to his body that would stop me from being attracted to him.”

This is important because long-term relationships are built on so much more than the size and shape of our bodies. If someone is really bothered by a body that changes, then that tells me this person is either hiding secret resentments, there’s something that’s going unspoken and your body is an easy out or an easy way to take out some of that anger and frustration, or that maybe this person had an immature attraction to you that was really based heavily on your appearance and that sucks.

Dawn Serra: Sonalee Rashatwar calls this kind of thing body image abuse. Sonalee classifies it as abusive because the demand for people to maintain a certain size and shape of the body is unrealistic, it’s unfair, and it’s often rooted violent.

Bodies are meant to change. They’re literally designed to change, that’s part of why they’re resilient and strong. They change with age, they change as a way to survive trauma and violence and chronic stress, they change depending on our access to care, support, and belonging. They change with the kinds of food we do or do not have access to, based on our ability and disability. Even as heirlooms – these bodies of ours have been passed down to us by our ancestors who survived and often it takes until we’re well into adulthood for our bodies to begin to take on the shape of those who came before us. These changes are usually wise and protective.

Dawn Serra: Many of us have been so heavily indoctrinated into diet culture. To the point that we tell ourselves lies and are sold constant lies that make us believe we have control over our bodies, but it’s such a violent fiction that keeps a lot of us locked in pain and struggle while others are profiting off of that pain and struggle. I’m not suggesting that this is your partner, per say, but I think it is worth noting there are some people who move through the world feeling insecure or inadequate in some way and as a result, they use their partner’s looks and body shape as a way to feel better about themselves. Because it is true that in a fatphobic culture like ours, people DO gain access to more resources and social status when they have a partner that fits a certain ideal. 

We collectively tend to look at people who have attractive partners and give them some type of additional status. “There must be something special about this person.” We’ve heard that a million times in movies. Some people are terrified of what they will lose or what it means about them if their partner no longer gives them that access, if their partner’s body changes. We’re also all indoctrinated in big and small ways into this cultural phenomenon of thin fetishism. And when we pair that with the fetishization of youth – which is a symptom of patriarchy because it glorifies bodies that we can control and have power over or that look like we can control and have power over. Those two things become very toxic and it means some people have become deeply invested in toxic ideals of what bodies should look like.

Dawn Serra: It is possible to change who we find attractive. I have seen many cases where someone’s body changed and it wasn’t even a blip on the radar of their partner because their connection was about so much more than what they saw on the outside. That’s what you were speaking about in that last paragraph, Q. Each of us deserves to feel desired by our partners if that’s something we want. And there are a lot of people in the world who would find you desirable in the body you’re in now. That, I can guarantee you.

Each of us deserves to be treated with respect. Respect is not saying “I find you less sexually attractive because your body changed.” or commenting on someone’s weight or monitoring what a partner is or is not eating or how much they’re exercising. That’s not respect. If someone is really bothered by a body changing, then it’s on them to work with a professional to unpack that shit and to process it on their own, not to burden you with it.

Dawn Serra: I think one of the things that all of us, as we become adults, need to grapple with is if we plan to be in relationship with other humans over the course of time, we each have a responsibility to confront the realities of what it means to have a body. What happens as you age? What happens if you become ill? What happens when you hit perimenopause and menopause? What happens if your body became larger not because of school or stress, but simply because that’s what your body needed at this particular point in your life as a way to thrive? What if you acquire a disability or multiple? What if your body became smaller but then contracted some type of painful skin condition or severe acid reflux or hemorrhoids or any number of other things? 

Literally to be in a body is to know change – we can’t predict what’s just around the corner. We all have a responsibility to do the work to have the capacity for that reality that our bodies are going to change. We all deserve people in our lives who understand that and who want to be on that journey with us. Yes, sometimes we need to grieve old stories or come to terms with changes that surprise us, but the answer is not to suddenly pull on the reins and say, “I don’t like these changes and I expect you to fix what is essentially my problem.” That’s on you.

Dawn Serra: More to your question, Q, attraction is something we can influence and change over the course of time, but doing that work should not come at the cost of treating the people in our lives like they’re less than. Depending on how deeply we are invested in our own body shame and depending on how much we value the dominant culture’s ideas of what it means to be sexy, offering our alternatives to ourselves might take a long time. And you do not have to wait for him to do that work, if he’s even up for doing it.

I think the bottom line is you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who celebrates all the hard work you put into getting your masters degree and who is more enamored and intoxicated by you than ever before. Some people aren’t ready to do the work in confronting their own stories and their beliefs about bodies. Personally, I am not interested in being in relationship with people who see me as more desirable or valuable when I’m in a smaller body. I would never want to treat someone I love that way. And I absolutely, at this point in my life, will not tolerate that in someone that I hope cares about me. That said, Alex and I have had to weather some discomfort around differing understandings of bodies, around expectations of what bodies can do, and we were able to work through that and be in that discomfort for a little while. And we did come out the other side with more shared language, more connected, and stronger because of it. But it was painful. 

Dawn Serra: Only you, Q, know what your comfortable working through with your partner, how patient you want to be. Because the answer is not to change your body. The answer is: he needs to figure his shit out. It’s OK for you to feel hurt by what he said. It’s OK to let him know that some repair needs to happen and that healing – that rift might take time. It’s OK to tell him he needs to figure shit out because you’re happy with your body as it is. You probably put your body through the ringer surviving grad school, so go body for finding a way through. It’s OK to ask him to get some support from maybe a HAES therapist to unpack his own fatphobia. It’s OK to tell him you want to be with someone who celebrates your body for all that you’ve been through and if he can’t meet you there, then that’s on him.

Change doesn’t always happen quickly, especially when certain stories are reinforced daily by the dominant culture. It can really be confusing and scary. There can be a lot of grief for all of the ways that we have hurt ourselves and been violent towards our own bodies when we start asking these kinds of questions. Again, it’s up to you whether you want to continue this relationship, to see if he comes around, to see if he’s willing to change. No matter what you choose, it’s OK. There isn’t a right or a wrong answer here. But you do deserve to be with someone who isn’t tolerating your body or with you in spite of your body. 

Dawn Serra: I also hope that, collectively, all of us can be in the discomfort of what I’m offering here because I know for many people listening, this is going to trigger shame and defensiveness. And it makes sense. Because a lot of us have bought into the violence that is diet culture, the violence that is patriarchy, in valuing thin youthful bodies. We all are learning and once we know better, we can start to do better. 

Q, thank you for asking this question. It’s one I get fairly often, you are not alone in this. I actually had – a big part of the conversation with therapist Carmen Cool last year for Explore More Summit about this very thing. I hope that now that you’re done with your master’s – whoa! I hope that there’s so many exciting and rewarding things ahead for you. You worked so hard to make that happen and that deserves celebration and lots and lots of excitement. Your body is literal magic, and I hope that your partner is able to see that magic before it’s too late.

Dawn Serra: Britney wrote in worried that her boyfriend is gay. Here’s what Britney shared:

“A few years ago, I found out that in high school my boyfriend would meet up with a gay friend of mine in the bathroom and get a blowjob from him. There were rumors that they made a sex tape and when I started dating him, I asked him if this was true. He denied it, but my friends told me to tell him I saw the video. So I did. I told him I saw the sex tape and that I knew it was him. He admitted to it and told me he didn’t like it and would never do it again. I believed him. A while after that, it came out that it happened multiple times. I asked him again about it and he said that he didn’t like it and it was a mistake. I was bothered by all of this, and it took me some time to stop thinking about it.”

“Fast forward 2 years, we’re now in college and we’ve been dating this whole time. A friend of ours told me that my boyfriend made a secret snapchat to contact our gay friend and showed me the video. It shows a man giving a blowjob to an unknown guy which kinda looked like my boyfriend, but it was also in a bathroom and I couldn’t really tell. I cannot get it out of my head. Of course, I asked my boyfriend and he denied it and it was very convincing. What do I do? Is my boyfriend gay? The man he got blowjobs from is very feminine and I’m not sure if that matters? Is he cheating on me? How do I get this video out of my head? Thank you so much, Britney.”

Dawn Serra: Before I answer the question, I want to say there were some inconsistencies in Britney’s email that made me question whether it was legitimate or not, but because this is a somewhat common question and I receive things along these lines somewhat regularly, I edited Britney’s email a bit for clarity and decided that – real or not – it was worth a little exploration.

The first thing I want to address is the question of whether your boyfriend is gay for receiving blowjobs from this gay guy in high school and college. Not necessarily. The answer is not necessarily. Your boyfriend is only gay if he is sexually attracted to other men. Your boyfriend might be bisexual or pansexual, meaning he’s sexually attracted to people who are the same gender as he is and other genders. Or, he might just like receiving really good blowjobs, regardless of the gender of the person.

Dawn Serra: In fact, there is a possibility that it’s less about the gender of the person giving the blowjob and more about the taboo and secrecy of it all that turns him on. Which again, wouldn’t necessarily mean he’s gay. Only your boyfriend knows who he is sexually attracted to, and even then, our sexual attraction can change over time. I had no fucking idea I was attracted to women until I stumbled into a drag king meetup way back in the day and then all of sudden – in an instant – I had to reckon with this whole new reality that I hadn’t known was a possibility with me. The answer to your question about whether he’s gay is only he knows. Gay, bisexual, pansexual, or straight – sexual orientation is a really personal thing and it is not always reflected by the kinds of sex we have.

We all know there are loads of straight women who have enjoyable, fun sex with other women because their partners found it hot or because they’re curious or they like the taboo of it. There’s all kinds of reasons that we engage with sex with other people. And it doesn’t always necessarily mean that’s who we’re attracted to. I think the more important issue is there seems to be some big trust issues in your relationship. He has lied to you in the past about his sexual activity and that deserves some attention. And you also struggle, what sounds like, believing him when you ask him questions about who he is hooking up with or whether it’s him in that video. If you two don’t trust each other to be honest about what’s going on for you, I have to wonder, why be in this relationship?

Dawn Serra: It sounds like the video your friend showed you really upset you and I’m guessing a part of why you’re upset is because you do believe it was your boyfriend in that video. If you secretly believe it was him, then the two of you need to have some frank discussions about how to move forward. It’s also important to note that if he doesn’t feel safe sharing his truth, that’s important information. Maybe he’s ashamed. Maybe he was raised in a family or community that was deeply homophobic. Maybe he’s afraid of losing people he cares about. Maybe he’s faced violence in the past. Maybe he doesn’t have language for being attracted to multiple genders. Maybe he’s lying to you because he wants to appear straight. And maybe he’s telling you the truth and your friends are stirring up some drama that really isn’t about your relationship.

At this point, I would recommend the two of you work with a couples counselor or a couples therapist to find some new ways to relate to each other. I think that learning some new tools and skills for being able to talk about your fears, your fantasies, your past, your future – that sounds like it could probably help a lot. There’s a lot of secret keeping and disbelief happening now. Because whether it’s your boyfriend in that video or not, it’s clear that your relationship is in need of some repair and rebuilding of trust. But both of you have to be up for doing that work – it can’t be one-sided.

Dawn Serra: I really do hope that you and your boyfriend are able to have some open conversations about these videos and what it is that he wants as well as what you need to feel like you can trust him. I also think it’s worth talking with your friends about whether or not you want them bringing things like this to you. I hope they’re doing it from a place of care and concern, not from a place of wanting to stir up gossip and drama. Get some help, see what you two can do around sharing more openly and working on trust. There’s a chance for the two of you to really deepen in your connection. But only if you’re both being honest and transparent with each other.

I hope this helps, Britney, and I hope you and your boyfriend are able to get some help. It really sounds like you have some big things that need to be worked through. I appreciate you writing in with the question. 

Dawn Serra: This final email of the week comes from Ryan. As you’ll hear, Ryan wants to see a sex worker for erotic massage but he’s worried his partner would consider it cheating. Here’s what Ryan has to say:

“Dawn, I am currently in a long term relationship with a very active and enjoyable sex life. However, I have recently had the desire to go see a sex worker and get a sensual or Tantric massage. I feel like my partner would consider this a form of cheating, however I am also having feelings that I should not deny myself a pleasure that I am seeking. I don’t want to disrespect my partner but I also want to explore myself a little bit more. Please tell me what you think.”

Dawn Serra: Hi Ryan. Thank you so much for tuning in to the show and for writing in. I think you already know the answer. But, just for everyone’s sake, we’re going to explore this a little bit. The bottom line is you have entered into a relationship with a person you care about, I’m assuming,and that relationship has spoken and unspoken agreements. Unless you two have negotiated a relationship where things are open and you both understand that you’re able to explore sexual connections and experiences outside the relationship, then you know that betraying the agreements of your relationship is wrong and hurtful.

I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again, I can’t tell you the number of people who have acted on their desire, betrayed a partner, and then felt intense regret at the fallout afterwards. The truth is, most of our deepest wounds and traumas happen in relationship when people don’t treat us with care and respect. To be betrayed, especially by someone that we’re so close to can open a wound that takes a lifetime to heal. My hope is none of us want to be the person that causes that kind of wounding. 

Dawn Serra: Part of being in these bodies of ours, as human being, is to have curiosity-filled imaginations and vast erotic landscapes. We all need to realize that most of us are going to experience desires that are beyond the scope of what we can do in our lifetime. That doesn’t make the desire wrong or bad, we can absolutely validate ourselves and honor our desires without acting on them. But to be an adult in relationship with other people is to have commitments, responsibilities, and honestly, limited resources that we have to work with. Even people who are in polyamorous and relationship anarchy situations who have no restrictions on the amount of relationships they can have, end up having to say no to things they really want to pursue just because there’s only so much time and energy to go around.

So, I think, the question for you, Ryan, really comes down to how much do you value this relationship you’re in? How does this person you’re partnered with want and expect to be treated? If your partner expects transparency in the relationship and assumes a certain level of trust, then it’s your responsibility to say something before doing something. It’s not about asking permission. It’s about being open, making a request, and seeing what can be re-negotiated or co-created with new possibilities, if they’re up for that. If you’d like to pursue your desire without having to take another person’s feelings into account, then it sounds like maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship right now – at least this particular relationship. 

Dawn Serra: There may be all sorts of yummy ways you and your partner could potentially navigate this space around your desire for working with a sex worker. Who knows? Maybe they’d want to join you. Maybe they’ll need some time and space to feel into the situation. Maybe they confess they’ve had a fantasy they’ve never shared with you too. Maybe they have a crush on someone and didn’t realize alternate arrangements were even possible inside your relationship. Either way, each of us is responsible for relating to the people in our life ethically and with care. That might mean that sometimes we don’t get everything we want. It may mean certain desires go unmet, but even then we can still enjoy the fantasy, we can validate ourselves for the wanting. We can revisit the topic down the road.

You have a choice to make, Ryan. Do you engage in this relationship that you’re in ethically or do you prioritize your own needs and hope for the best knowing you could really hurt someone you cared about? I really do understand how scary and how difficult it can be to bring things like this up. It can feel terrifying. Because to state this desire we have might mean the end of our relationship and that can really be scary. But that’s still not an excuse to lie or to hide things from people we love. This is not a case where it’s better to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission – that’s how we wound people differently. Again, it’s not about permission but it’s about everyone being aware of what’s happening and getting to negotiate consensually how they want to be in relationship with each other.

Dawn Serra: I recommend to you, Ryan, that you take some time to think about what you’d like, then ask your partner if they’d be up for chatting one day. If they are, then it’s time to have the courageous conversation in sharing about where you are. Maybe that first conversation doesn’t even have to come with an ask. It can simply be this really tender sharing of some of the things that you’ve been thinking about and feeling aroused by. And hopefully they can witness you in that share and be in it with you. Maybe down the road, there’s an ask for re-negotiating the relationship. If you don’t want to do that work, then I think that tells you something about this relationship.

Your desire is 100% normal. It’s very common. It’s, of course, super delicious and erotic to think about somebody touching us for our pleasure without any other expectations. It’s fine to have these desires. But we are responsible for our behavior and how you treat your partner is the real question. So, what kind of partner and person do you want to be? I think you probably already know the answer to that question. But, I’m going to wish you some luck, Ryan. I hope that you can really grapple with some of the feelings that are wrapped up in this and then do right by yourself and your partner. 

Dawn Serra: That is it for this week’s episode. Two quick things: first, I highly recommend heading to dawnserra.com and getting on my newsletter. The Explore More Summit is going to be happening very soon. I’ll have more details coming up in a bit. People on my newsletter are going to get something that I never offered before. This is going to be my sixth Explore More Summit and for the first time, I’m going to offer some early bird discounts to people who are on my newsletter list. So, it’s only going to be people in my newsletter, head to dawnserra.com and make sure you put your name and email address in so that you can hear about that when it happens. It’s going to be in the next few weeks. 

Also, be sure to head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast and join me for some “Am I The Asshole” posts for this week’s bonus. It’s going to be super fun and I can’t wait to hear what you think. I will be back next week. Bye!

Dawn Serra: A huge thanks to The Vocal Few, the married duo behind the music featured in this week’s intro and outro. Find them a vocalfew.com. Head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast to support the show and get awesome weekly bonuses.

As you look towards the next week, I wonder, what will you do differently that rewrites an old story, revitalizes a stuck relationship or helps you to connect more deeply with your pleasure?