tl;dr When the sex stops after you move in together, non-binary pregnancy, and why sex with fat folks is not revolutionary.

Patrons who support at $3 and above, there’s a new bonus at patreon.com/sgrpodcast. Let’s explore some of what we want to let go of and what we’d like to bring in for 2020, plus the most magical gift list I’ve ever read.

This week’s episode is you and me and your emails. Before we get to that, a few announcements.

First, you must read this magical thread by @shaanlashun on having sex with fat people. Share it widely. Sing it from the rooftops. The articles they mentioned about sex with fat folks are listed below:

• “What Everyone Needs to Know, But Is Afraid to Ask About Fat Sex”
• “The Transformative Power Of Seeing Fat-Girl Sex On TV”
• “Why I Won’t (Read: Can’t) Hook Up With You”
• “The Gender Nonconformity of My Fatness”
• “Super Fat Erasure: 4 Ways Smaller Fat Bodies Crowd the Conversation”

I also am sharing two tweets from @pangmeli and you can find them here and here.

On to your questions!

First up, Lee recently moved in with her partner and the sex has stopped. What gives? Why did the sex stop as soon as they moved in together? The sex was kind of boring before that, so Lee is wondering how to talk to her partner about having sex, how not to build this up into A Thing, and if they can stack complaints of the things that aren’t working?

Let’s talk about building a solid foundation of positive experiences and trust. We need to all be practicing our sex talk with partners when things are good because it’s so upsetting to be in a relationship where the only time you talk about sex is when something is wrong.

I know lots of people are in this situation, so I’ve got lots of questions and recommendations for Lee, including reading Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity.

Next, Ama wrote in because she was raped twice by her best friend. It’s been a year, but she can’t stop crying and feeling unlovable. She’s been trying to date, but she keeps choosing men who are unavailable.

Finally, H is a non-binary person trying to get pregnant, but they are feeling all sorts of homophobia come up around their masculine body in this quest to have a baby.

I found some awesome resources for non-binary and trans folks who are trying to get pregnant and who are pregnant. Check this out:

1. The Masculine Birth Ritual podcast. SO COOL!
2. Trystan Reese is a trans person who shared their pregnancy publicly and who speaks all about parenthood and gender.
3. Refuge Midwifery does super badass work around pregnancy and birth for queer, non-binary, and trans folks.
4. Tynan Rhea is a doula who trains other doulas and midwives on being gender inclusive and pleasure.
5. Love Over Fear Wellness and Birth is another awesome human helping queer, trans, and non-binary folks through pregnancy and birth.
6. This resource on Preparing for Pregnancy as a Non-Binary Person might be helpful.
7. Similarly, this piece on being a non-binary pregnant person has loads of links at the bottom.
8. This trans midwife in the U.K. is doing awesome work around pregnancy, birth, and gender.

Also, huge thanks to Hemlock for their awesome song “Firelight” which was used in this episode between questions. I’m digging it!

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook and Dawn is on Instagram.

About Dawn Serra:

What if everything you’ve been taught about relationships, about your body, about sex is wrong? My name is Dawn Serra and I dare to ask scary questions that might lead us all towards a deeper, more connected experience of our lives. In addition to being the host of the weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real, the creator of the online conference Explore More, I also work one-on-one with clients who are feeling stuck, confused, or disappointed with the ways they experience desire, love, and confidence. It’s not all work, though. In my spare time, you can find me adventuring with my husband, cuddling my cats as I read a YA novel, or obsessing over MasterChef Australia.

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Episode Transcript

Dawn Serra: You’re listening to Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra, that’s me. This is a place where we explore sex, bodies, and relationships, from a place of curiosity and inclusion. Tying the personal to the cultural where you’re just as likely to hear tender questions about shame and the complexities of love, as you are to hear experts challenging the dominant stories around pleasure, body politics, and liberation. This is about the big and the small, about sex and everything surrounding it we don’t usually name. The funny, the awkward, the imperfect happen here in service to joy, connection, healing, and creating healthier relationships with ourselves and each other. So, welcome to Sex Gets Real. Don’t forget to hit subscribe.

Hey, you and welcome to Sex Gets Real. It’s the first episode of 2020 and I am so glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re here because the world, as of my recording of this, is not doing well. It hasn’t been doing well in a while. The fires in Australia continue to rage and the loss of life, and impact to future life is catastrophic. Trump bombed Iran and potentially started another war. Protests and human rights tragedies are unfolding in nearly every corner of the globe. Our planet is literally dying beneath and around us.

Dawn Serra: As things continue to shift and deteriorate as we have these existential crisis, I really do believe that being able to settle into our bodies and the relationships that keep us going is more important than ever. It’s also more important than ever that we tend to each other with care and grace, that we’re able to offer and ask for support to celebrating the small moments and the pleasure that does heal.

So, thank you. I really mean that. Thank you as we start this new year in the middle of this apocalypse. Thank you for being willing to ask scary questions, to be inside of big complicated spaces with me. It feels so nourishing and I think nourishment, especially right now, feels precious. So knowing that you are here listening and being a part of this, it means something. 

Dawn Serra: You know what else feels precious? YOUR EMAILS! So many of you wrote in over the past few weeks with questions in areas where you could use support, and that means so much. Speaking of, if you could use some support or you want help unpacking a problem, write to me. I would love to hear from you. Head to dawnserra.com and use the contact form there to shoot me a note. There’s an anonymous option if you want to protect your identity or if something you’re sharing feels especially tender or personal. Hearing from you is the best and I love it. You’ll hear some of your emails on today’s episode.

Also, Patreons, if you support the show at $5 per month and above, you can help me answer listener questions and there is a new listener question is waiting at patreon.com/sgrpodcast about polyamory and jealousy if you want to weigh in, share your thoughts or your stories. I would love to be able to share that on a future episode. In fact, you’ll hear a patron weighing in on one of the questions that we’ve got today. For folks who support at $3 per month and above, a new bonus is going up this week, and it’s all about setting some intentions for 2020. What are some things we’re ready to leave behind? What are some of the things we need to grieve? What are the ways that we can bring pleasure in on a daily basis? What would help us foster more space for the erotic and much more. So if you would like to help me keep the show going, every single dollar matters, even if it’s just a dollar that you’re able to contribute. You can check out all of the options at patreon.com/sgrpodcast for Sex Gets Real.

Dawn Serra: Before we get to your emails, there was an AMAZING thread by Twitter user @shaanlashun (sean la sean) about fat sex and I needed to share here. I bookmarked it the moment that I saw it, shared it a whole bunch of places, and knew I was going to read this on the show. I am going to link to, not only Sean la Sean’s thread, but Sean la Sean also shared a number of really great articles about sex with fat folks. So I’m going to have all of those at dawnserra.com/ep289/ for episode 289, which is this show.

Here’s what Sean le-Sean wrote: “I have sex with fat people, and it’s not revolutionary: a thread.” “I’m super leery of non-fat people who frame sex with fat folks as an act of liberation. Similar to when they do it to trans folks, it’s always seemed very “sensational” to me. I’m often complimented or thanked about my profile language on The Apps™. All they say are that I’m trans, don’t like white people, and am into HIV+ folks, femmes, and all kinds of bodies. Nothing about this deserves to be complimented or thanked.”

Dawn Serra: “I often think about the fat folks who sheepishly ask if I’m “into chubby people” before sending their nudes. And the fat folks who offer to keep their shirts on or turn the lights off… as if they hoped the offer would persuade me to see them. And the fat folks who were shocked when I asked if I could feel them up during play or sexytimes. (FYI: I ask everyone this question, and you should, too.) And the fat folks who seem surprised when I wrap both of my arms around them for hugs instead of doing that half-assed one-armed hug thin people do when they’re scared to touch fat people. And the fat folks who think they can’t do rope bondage or suspension. (Y’all can. It sometimes requires thicker rope, for comfort and safety.) And the fat folks who have “joked” about being too big for my small frame to handle, and were speechless when I knew how to make things work. (Meaning: not expecting their bodies to do the same things or move in the same ways as thin bodies.)”

“I’ve always thought it strange not to admit that people have sex differently. Maybe skinnybae can put their ankles next to their ears, but fatbae may not be able to. Ignoring that seems phobic to me, in that “I don’t see race” equivalent kind of way… It’s okay to admit that there are tips and tricks to sex with fat folks. There are also tips and tricks to sex with trans folks, disabled folks, etc. Sex isn’t “one mode fits all.” Our bodies are different, so our sex needs to be different, too. Where I was going with this is that fat folks are hot and deserve so much better than crumbs many thin people offer, thinking that they’re doing fat folks a “favour.” No one wants your pity fuck, thin fuckboy. Go away. I have sex with fat people because they’re hot. Not because they’re fat. Not in spite of them being fat. Not because it’s “more cushion for the pushin.” Not because they “wear it well.” Not because “thick thighs save lives.” Not because they’re “big but healthy.” Because. they. are. hot.”

Dawn Serra: “Folks keep trying to offer witty qualifiers about why fat people are attractive. Celebrate fat bodies without the backhanded “compliments.” Having sex with fat people isn’t a political statement. I don’t do it because I’m a radical. I don’t do it in the name of liberation. I do it because shorty is fine af and I like butt touchin. Nothing I’m saying is new, btw. Fat folks have BEEN talking about fatphobia in sex culture, queer politics, etc. Also: don’t have sex with fat people as a way to “overcome” your fatphobia. It’s fatphobic. Also also: don’t think that having fat friends, family, or partners means you’re not fatphobic. You may be “nice” to them (I doubt it), but how do you treat fat folks you don’t know? Alsooooooo: there are lots of reasons and ways to drag people you don’t like. Their fatness isn’t one of them. Moral of the story: thin people need to be better, small fat people need to fall back, and big fat people can do and wear what they want. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.”

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes Sean la-Sean. All of that. So much also applies to sex with disabled folks and sex with trans folks. There’s a lot in this thread that needed to be said and needs to be said over and over and over and over and over again. So please go check out that thread. Share the heck out of it and really sit with it. Your own fatphobia, your own stories about who is hot and who is not and why. 

Dawn Serra: I also came across two Tweets by someone who uses the handle @pangmeli that I wanted to highlight, too.

The first says, “we love “good intentions” and “bad intentions” but “no particular intentions for anyone but myself” is where most shit goes down” This ties so heavily to all of the conversations we’ve been having lately about relational responsibility. No particular intentions or not intending something is not the same as taking care and being thoughtful. So often we are thinking only of ourselves and our desires and our needs and not of the impact we are having on the people around us. So much harm happens in that space. I want to add, for those of us who are caretakers, this applies, too, though in a slightly different angle. Folks socialized as female and folks whose identity is that of a people pleaser often take great care to think about others, to the point of trying to control everyone and everything, to get things perfect, to prevent others from having their own messy experiences, and that can cause harm, too. There’s a lot wrapped up in this tiny tweet. But as so many relationship handbooks and relationship guides re-establish this hyper-individual narrative, I really want us to think about the fact that no particular intentions for anyone but myself is a place that’s ripe for causing harm, and not meaning to, but still doing it. 

Dawn Serra: The other thing @pangmeli tweeted that struck me was this: “I don’t understand this idea that transgressions should only have a temporary impact on the transgressor, even though they have a lifelong impact on the survivor. It defies physics. Why wouldn’t we *both* feel the reverberations of what you did for the rest of our lives?”

I want us to sit with this for a bit. I think there’s something important here and what I don’t want this to be tied to is to punishment or to revenge or vengeance, but instead to something more generative and healing for all of us . If you’ve sexually assaulted someone, the person you harmed has to live with that potentially for life. Trauma changes us profoundly. We can never go back to who we were prior to that. Many people like Resmaa Menakem, who wrote “My Grandmother’s Hands”, now argue that to cause harm is also to experience trauma. But there’s so little opportunity for us to hold each other accountable in on-going, loving, boundaried ways that it’s tough for us to imagine ways of being in relationship; where the things we do don’t define us, but are folded into our story as a source of true change. I want that for more of us. Because this shifts the conversation away from being worried that someone who has caused harm will have their life ‘ruined’ in some way. What if, when you harm someone, you are changed forever by it and that change is held in all of its complexity by those around you – both to ensure you do not cause that kind of harm again and to hold you really firmly with love to do better for the rest of your life? 

Dawn Serra: I think that’s a really big question but I really appreciated what @pangmeli was saying around, “I don’t understand this idea that transgressions should only have a temporary impact on the transgressor, even though they have a life-long impact on the survivor. Why wouldn’t we both feel the reverberations of what you did for the rest of our lives?” There’s a lot to hold and chew on around that to be sure. Things that were making my brain spin and my body say yes.

So, let’s jump into your emails because there are some really, really important ones this week. So if you’re ready, let’s jump in.

Dawn Serra: This first email from Lee is about “A Sexless Relationship.” Lee writes:

“Hi, Dawn! First off, I should tell you I’ve listened to literally every episode of SGR. I really love the direction you’ve taken the show and I’ve recommended it to many people who are seeking a gentle, sensible and compassionate approach. If I lived in Vancouver, I would probably just have booked a session with you to talk about this issue.

“I’ve been with my partner for a year, living together for 6 months. I’m a cis woman, he’s a cis man. Basically the issue that’s haunting me is the sex has just stopped. When we got together, we had sex regularly. It was pretty vanilla by my standards, but satisfying. Since moving in together, the sex has really dropped off to never. I have no idea how to address this with my partner, which is weird because I’m not at all shy and usually not about sexual issues. I think this issue really pushes my buttons because it taps into a fear I have of the relationship failing due to this issue. My partner doesn’t seem to have a problem with the lack of sex. On the rare occasion that we go out of town, generally we will have sex, often daily or every couple of days. I should add we live in close proximity to his parents, which I guess might be an inhibiting factor for him. I’m just weirdly paralyzed about talking to him about it. It’s like I feel that if I acknowledge this one issue, I’m opening a can of worms, or squeezing toothpaste out of a tube and won’t be able to get it back in.”

Dawn Serra: “He doesn’t seem concerned about this at all. I have masturbated from time to time, but frankly the lack of sex has impacted my libido. I worry that we have fast tracked into a sibling relationship after only a year of dating.

Additionally, when we did have sex more often—it was very vanilla. So my questions are: How do I broach this subject with my partner? We communicate easily about most other issues. How do I avoid catastrophizing that this is the death knell of my happy relationship? I love this man and don’t want this partnership to end, certainly not over this issue. How do you stack complaints—like “We aren’t having sex, but when we do, it’s boring”??—that sounds terrible. Hope you might have something to share. I do appreciate your work tremendously. Thanks so much for taking the the time to read this long note. XO Lee” 

Dawn Serra: Hello to you, Lee! Thank you so much for listening to the show and for so long, to boot. Thanks for sharing the show with friends, and for writing in. I’m sure you know you are not alone in this question at all. I promise there are many people listening to this right now who are feeling like they could’ve written this email.

The first thing I want to say is that I know you said if you lived in Vancouver, you would have booked a coaching session with me and it is true. I do see in-person clients at this really pretty office that’s right downtown. And, the majority of my clients are from other places. I’ve got clients in Australia, Germany, California, all up and down the east coast of the U.S. and Canada because majority of my coaching is actually virtual via video conferencing. So, just a note, to you Lee and everyone else listening – if you could use some professional support, if you’d like some coaching, either individuals or couples, I’ve had triads as well. You can be from anywhere in the world. Details about coaching are all at dawnserra.com. So, check that out if you’re interested.

Dawn Serra: I did share this question on Patreon for $5 supporters and Jason weighed-in with the following:

“My wife and I have had similar issues in the past and sometimes with work etc, this isn’t possible. But when it feels like we are getting to a “distant” point, we actually make an appointment with each other. We turn off the devices, and turn on each other, even if it isn’t to have sex, just to be together and be close.”

Thank you so much for that, Jason! I love the idea of making an appointment with each other to turn each other on without the expectation or the pressure of sex, and that you acknowledge sometimes life just gets lifey and even the appointments can’t happen. A big yes to all of that. All of that is true. That is a part of what it means to live these really busy lives, these stressful lives, these overwhelming lives, and juggling so many different things while trying to nurture the relationships that we’re in.

Dawn Serra: For your questions, Lee, I’d love to start with the second question. “How do I avoid catastrophizing that this is the death knell of my happy relationship?” I think one of the fictions that so many of us have internalized because of the “happily ever after” narratives that are really common in all of the stories we consume from the earliest stages is that things, once we fall in love with someone, are going to more or less stay the same and that that’s what happiness looks like. 

Of course, intellectually, we know this isn’t true. But deeper in our bodies, way down inside, because we’ve been getting these messages literally from birth, for some of us. We can begin constricting with fear when we notice things are a little different. Then that constriction can cause us to start scanning for certain behaviors, which causes us to notice those behaviors more often, which then leads us to becoming focused on the one thing because we’re becoming afraid of it. We don’t know at what point we should say something and it becomes this really ugly spiral that can take a pretty manageable and normal, ebb and flow, problem and make them seem enormous and catastrophic and devastating. I speak from personal experience. I’m very good at this particular spiral and I’ve done it many times in relationship.

Dawn Serra: So a big part of what I have to do is to continually bring myself back to all of the reasons that I am in relationship with these people or this particular person. To remind myself that even if this one area is feeling painful, if I’m still feeling really nourished and supported in all these other areas, to make sure I’m devoting a lot of attention to those things that are feeling really good so that I don’t get overtaken. But it’s a practice and it’s a hard one. Sometimes I go quite far down on that spirla before I catch myself. 

When any relationship – I’m talking sexual, platonic, professional, neighborly, familial – any relationship that lasts long enough moves through seasons and cycles, ebbs and flows, ups and downs. Some of those seasons are for a specific reason maybe somebody has an illness or has a family member who’s dying. Maybe somebody’s in grad school and working long, arduous hours on their paper. Other cycles and seasons are simply because of the circumstances we’re in, our bodies changing, we’re aging. The world around is a very, very stressful apocalyptic place and that also has an impact on the ways that we are in our relationships.

Dawn Serra: For you, Lee, I wonder what that part of you that wants to catastrophize this is trying to protect you from? If you were to give that inner part of you that’ss worrying and hyper-focused on the lack of sex a microphone, what would that part of you say? It could be anything. Maybe “I knew it. I knew this would happen. This is exactly what I was afraid of. See, I knew this wouldn’t work.” Or maybe that part of you is saying, “Nope. I cannot deal with this. If this is how it’s going to be, we need to get out now because I can’t deal with being heartbroken and I need to beat the heartbreak.”

Either way, whatever it is that that part of you that really wants to catastrophize the current situation – that part is really trying to protect you from something. It might be trying to protect you from feeling abandoned or undesirable or bored. So, asking “What are you trying to protect me from?” can be a compassionate way to start understanding more about your own fears and then to invite collaboration with that inner part, to find more supportive ways to move forward. Maybe that inner part wants to catastrophize because it’s trying to prevent you from getting hurt. If you can actually help it to feel heard and, “I know you’re trying to protect me, thank you for working so hard. How can we do this differently? That’s an old story that’s not true anymore.” To really turn towards that inner part of you that wants to do that with love, you might find some really interesting things. Because when we reject, ignore, or shut down those inner parts because they’re mean and uncomfortable, usually they just get louder, meaner, and more insistent. Then it becomes really difficult to deal with them. 

Dawn Serra: I also think it can also help to sit down with yourself and to consider what sex means to you. Why is sex important? What needs does it meet? It might be a combination of things like touch needs, feeling close to your partner, maybe pleasure is a part of it, maybe a little adventurous and you really like that. Knowing what’s underneath that can help you work with your partner to find all sorts of yummy ways to get more of those needs met when you finally do talk to him. That can also help to give you a sense of clarity and help you shift away from fear and doom and gloom, towards hope and possibility. Working with a professional, whether it’s me or a therapist near you or something else, can be really helpful around stuff like this so that you have a place to give voice to some of these stories and to get curious with them without unloading them on your partner. So I encourage you to ask some of those questions, to maybe befriend the part of you that is feeling terrified and to see what is it trying to protect you from and how maybe you could do things a little bit differently. 

Let’s talk about the final question. The final question you asked was “How do you stack complaints?” I think the answer is, if this is someone you care about and you really want to maintain a relationship with, then you don’t. You don’t stack complaints. I wouldn’t but we all get to do relationship differently. I don’t want to be in relationship in a way where the people I care about feel like I’m loading all my complaints on them and holding on to things when they bother me. That would probably move me further away from what I want, which is connection and trust and curiosity, transparency, creativity and joy. You may want different things, and that’s super OK. There’s no judgement. We all get to be in relationship in the ways we want to be in relationship. But, I think what’s helpful is instead of saying, “Here are all the things that are wrong,” instead asking, “How can I approach this from a place of deep curiosity, hope, and desire?”

Dawn Serra: My guess is he’s feeling self-conscious about the sexual situation. He’s probably picking up on your simmering fear and disappointment and that’s probably closing him down. When we are in relationship with other people, we start to become pretty adept at what’s not being said. We start picking up on those micro-cues, those micro-movements of facial muscles of the things that go unspoken and we can really spin ourselves into some dark places because of the things that aren’t being said. Instead of “stacking complaints”, I think it’s helpful to ask what is it you want. What is the most important thing and what is a nice to have? What are the skills and tools that would help you both get to a place of more connection and open communication? What are small experiments and changes you could try that would help to slowly and realistically start moving you both in that direction?

My guess is it’s not listing all of the things that aren’t working and that he’s doing wrong, that’s not going to move you in that direction. So, really thinking about the things you want versus the things that are broken. I think that brings us to your first question which is, “How do I broach this subject with my partner?”

Dawn Serra: My answer to that is with grace, with compassion, with truly open curiosity. His inner experience might really surprise you, but most of us won’t share the things we’re afraid of or secretly thinking about if we feel like we’re going to be judged or if we feel like the other person has an agenda that requires us to be different. You said you communicate pretty easily about most things but not sex. I think that that’s really fantastic, it means you have a really solid foundation to start from. So what if you started by simply admitting to him that you’ve realized talking about sex feels kind of awkward and weird? And if he’s feeling that way, too, and to share that you’d really love for the two of you could find some fun ways to talk about sex so that it felt freeing and playful. Bringing in that play can be such a rejuvenating energy when you are dealing with other people. 

Maybe get my Sex Maps game so you two have this huge collection of a really fun, low-stakes questions, so that you can practice asking each other about sex. Things like, “What did you fantasize about as a teenager?” or “What’s one movie scene that always turns you on?”

Dawn Serra: Building the muscles of being able to talk openly about sexual experiences without it being about this tender present moment means where really need things to change means that when you do finally start talking about your current situation, you have all of these positive experiences and memories to lay the foundation. That’s one of the reasons why I want all of us, regardless of how long we’ve been in relationship, to start developing the skills of being able to talk about the things that turn us on – to talk about masturbation, to talk about fantasies that we have, the movie scenes that turns us on, the kind of porn that you watched when you were younger. 

All of those things help us to build these positive experiences and memories that help us to feel connected around our conversations around sex. If we only ever talk about sex when something’s not working, that’s going to create a lot of pain and fear, and make people really not want to talk about sex, which is the opposite of what we want. Because if we can talk about it, then it means we can so much easier ask for new things and say, “Hey, this doesn’t feel quite right. Maybe we can try this other thing the next time.” It doesn’t feel like a judgement or a critique because we don’t have a long history of judgements and critiques. I hope that makes sense.

Dawn Serra: It might also be helpful to read some books together. I know a lot of couples who will get a book about something that they want to strengthen or learn, and then they’ll take turns reading to each other and do a chapter a week or those kinds of things. Even reading on your own. I think Esther Perel’s “Mating in Captivity” might be a great place to start. In that book she talks about how erotic energy thrives on mystery and the unknown, and often when we spend a lot of time together or we cohabitate, we can move too far along the intimacy and erotic into that safety familiarity intimacy place, which smothers that heat and that flame of the erotic. So she talks about finding ways to introduce mystery, some surprise, some anticipation and the unknown, and how that can help facilitate more heat.

It’s so easy for us to feel like we’re the ones who are more worried, more afraid, more stressed, more in pain because we live in our heads and our heads really want to make us the most important person in the universe. It’s also the only experience we know. But that can then start to create a story that the other people in our lives don’t care as much, aren’t as impacted. We forget that the people in our lives have super complex, messy, deep inner experiences. If there’s shame mixed in, they might go to great lengths to hide that. Because shame’s primary purpose is to stay in the dark. 

Dawn Serra: So, my question for you, Lee, is how can you get curious about his experience? What has he been feeling since you moved in together? Is he terrified that his parents might be stopping by at some point? What does desire feel like for him? What are his wants and what would feel supportive right now? What would he love to have happen down the road? Is he happy not having sex right now, and if so, what are other ways he’d love to connect intimately? If he’s not happy about it, then what are some ways that the two of you can practice new things? Is he going through something stressful that’s impacted his erections, maybe, and he’s ashamed to admit that? So avoiding sex feels easier than admitting something about his body? What kinds of adventures or fun does he hope for the future for the two of you? What about your daily lives would feel good to shake up or what would he love to try with you and he hasn’t known how to ask?

The only way to know is to talk to him with genuine, caring curiosity. I know you feel stuck around this and this is sometimes one of those things where you just have to take the lead and find out that it’s not going to be the worse thing in the whole wide world; and then do it again and do it again. Remember you love this person and he loves you – and you two have this awesome opportunity to start connecting in new, deeper ways around this question that you’re holding. That alone feels so exciting, what could be around the corner? Where might you go together? There are two of you, which means there are so many opportunities for trying things, getting creative, collaborating. You might end up in a very different place than where you started, you might also realize that this isn’t a good fit for you or you might find out he’s been obsessing over the very same things and a few conversations is all it takes to shift things so that you start sharing that a little more openly. But you can’t know until you start having those conversations and the longer that you put it off, the bigger that fear and anxiety becomes. 

Dawn Serra: It can feel so hard and so awkward,and we have to remind ourselves that it’s worth it. We are worth it. Love is worth it. This connection is worth it to take the leap. Because that’s what it means to be in a relationship with someone. I hope that offers you some things to think about and play with, Lee. There’s so many amazing questions, so many places you might end up. So many things to ask yourself before you even start talking to your partner. And if you do want coaching, feel free to reach out. I would love to hear from you. Thank you so much for reaching out. I know this is a very common place to be and lots of people listening are in a similar quandary so thank you for giving us the opportunity to be in it with you. 

Dawn Serra: This next email talks about being raped. It’s not explicit in detail, but it does speak of rape and the hard feelings that come with it. Please take care of you if you’re listening and if that’s not something that you’ve got the capacity for right now, then feel free to jump ahead to the next question. Ama wrote in a heartbreaking email and it reads: 

“It is 1:49 a.m. and I have been crying non-stop since about 8 p.m. today. I’m currently taking a break from work and I have a lot of time to think while alone, I also have time to spend with loved ones. Today, during my alone time and during my time with loved ones, I thought about the man who raped me. He was my best friend. He had raped me once before, but I didn’t call it rape because I knew that we’d have to work through stuff I wasn’t ready to work through. I had already been raped once before and that by itself came with consequences. When he raped me again, which he does not remember, I was in absolute shock. I couldn’t believe it was happening AGAIN.”

Dawn Serra: “The next morning I immediately bought Plan B and continued on with life. The first few months I dove into work and didn’t think too much about it until around this time last year. That’s when I really started processing things because of that break from work. So essentially, I spent this entire year coming to terms with the fact that I lost my best friend with whom I was in love with & had a very, very strong connection, and was left to pick up the pieces on my own.

Today, the thought of him came up randomly and it’s filling me with pain. He has been apologizing for the entire year. I’ve been trying to date and I just keep running into unavailable men. It’s frustrating. I feel unlovable and like something is wrong with me. I recognize these are my insecurities, but they just feel heavier knowing I lost a best friend, and have to deal with those feelings of shame, guilt, disgust. It’s a lot.”

Dawn Serra: Oh, Ama. I am so, so sorry you’re here. I’m sorry you were raped not once but multiple times. I’m sorry you lost your best friend. I’m sorry you feel so alone. It is frustrating. It is painful. It’s a terrible burden that I wish none of us knew, but sadly so,so many of us do. It is a lot. It is. It’s a lot. Sometimes it’s too much for one person to carry on their own.

The first thing I want to offer is that you deserve support. I don’t know where in the world you are, but many places have free rape crisis hotlines that you can call and speak to a counselor. And they can be such a lifeline for people going through the aftermath of sexual assault and rape. Therapy, especially trauma-informed therapy, would probably be tremendously helpful. Especially if you find a fantastic, feminist therapist, if you have the means to access it. Even the online therapeutic apps like Talkspace, where you text back and forth with a therapist could be helpful and those tend to be less expensive.

Dawn Serra: Often, there are local support groups, too, that are for sexual violence that are free or really low cost, and I cannot stress how important it is to get support from people who have been in a similar place to you. There is so, so much healing that becomes available to us when we hear our stories echoed in the mouths of those around us. When we hear their shame and their guilt and their disgust, and when we feel that compassion and empathy come up, something really important happens there when we feel into the depths of that support that groups can offer. It’s where I started doing much of my healing and it was really scary at first. It was so, so scary. Because, again, shame wants us to be isolated, to be alone, to feel like it’s our fault. But, being in a support group really ended up being incredibly important for me and so many others. So, if you can find something like that, either online or in-person, it might help with some of the pain.

Sometimes, when we hurt this much, we become desperate to find people to cling to so we don’t feel so adrift and that’s normal, and it makes sense. Of course, we would do that. It can also mean we can put ourselves in situations that don’t serve us or the other people because we’re so deep in our trauma. Dating right now, it’s worth asking, is that the best place for you? Or are there other places where maybe you could do some more healing and support? 

Dawn Serra: I also, wonder where are there points of light amid all the pain and darkness? Are there friends in your life that you enjoy being with or who make things feel a little less heavy? Are there animals in your life that bring you touch and intimacy that feels safe, who brings silliness and playfulness? Are there places you love going that help you to feel just a little more at ease when you can breathe? Making as many spaces as we can where we have those little soft moments is also so important to healing.

Sometimes, survival means hurrying and rushing, and pretending being okay and being anywhere but here. And that is a wise and important survival mechanism. Sometimes that’s literally how we survive. It’s to just keep moving and numbing and avoiding. If that’s where you are right now, Ama, that’s OK. You are not doing anything wrong. And sometimes, finding those places and those people and the activities that give us relief from the pain, that offer us some hope that invites us to slow down for just a little bit so that we can start feeling, can be so crucial for us as we begin to heal. Healing work is deeply painful work. That’s why it’s so important we have support. 

Dawn Serra: While you might not be in a place to really take this in, at some point you will be. So just remember that if you can’t take what I’m about to say deep into you, at some point, you will be able to do that. So, keep this and remember it: you are not unlovable. You are deeply worthy and deserving of love, happiness, tenderness, safety, healing, passion, and pleasure. You are deeply worthy and deserving. You are not unlovable and you did not deserve what happened to you no matter what. You did not deserve what happened to you no matter what. 

It’s OK to not forgive him. You can heal and not forgive. It’s OK to cut him off. And it’s OK to feel heartbroken by the loss of your best friend at the very same time. It’s OK to not date for awhile and to focus on healing, to building friendship and safe places. It’s OK to ask for help. It’s OK to feel lost, because even when you feel lost and you’re in pain and you don’t know which way is up, you are still lovable and worthy and important. There is never any excuse for someone disrespecting you or using you the way that he did. You are lovable and worthy and important. 

Dawn Serra: I hope you’re able to access some support services, Ama. If you write back to me and tell me where in the world you are, I can try and use my networks to find some resources that are local to you. Because no one should ever have to shoulder this kind of hurt alone and healing really does become a lot more possible when we have support and care from others. You will get through this, though it might hurt really bad for a long time. It might chance you in ways that need to be grieved, but you will love again and you will be loved. And you are absolutely deserving of wonderful, pleasurable things, and people that honor and validate you. Thank you so much for trusting me with this and I’m sending so much love and solidarity. 

Dawn Serra: H wrote in about non-binary gender identity and pregnancy. Here’s what they wrote:

“Hey, Dawn. I am a non-binary, masculine human being from the UK – early 30’s, married to a cis woman. I have always wanted to be pregnant and have a baby, but also have never wanted to be in my female body. I know, it doesn’t make sense. Recently, I have embarked on the journey of IUI (so far unsuccessful) and am finding it incredibly difficult to navigate. This process has brought up a lot of internalised homophobia I didn’t even know I had and hatred of my masculine self. I don’t understand where these feelings are coming from. At first, I thought it was just anger at the fact we have to pay to have fertility treatment whereas for hetero couples it is free. It feels so unfair. But I always knew that fact and my wife and I spent three years saving up a baby budget. I am just finding it so hard to navigate my feelings towards myself and wondering if this means I shouldn’t even be trying to get pregnant. I don’t know how I’m meant to feel. When I try and find other people in similar circumstances, I can only find people who have been through it but now have the baby bliss end result. They are usually cis females and the struggle was only the hardship of trying to get pregnant. How do I navigate gender, baby-making and queerness?! I am so very lost !!”

Dawn Serra: H! Thank you so much for trusting me with this. These are huge, important questions you’re asking and, yeah, this space can be so messy and so hetero and cis-normative. Bodies are weird. Let’s just be upfront: bodies are really weird. Gender is super complicated. Making a new human – that’s bizarre and magical thing, steeped in all sorts of stories and expectations. And you’re in the thick of that swirling, confusing vortex!

I think it makes perfect sense that you’ve wanted to be pregnant and have a baby, at the same time as having complicated feelings about your body. And, you are literally in the middle of a great big thick soup that attaches a lot of meaning and stories to certain shapes and body parts. Of course, that’s complicated.

Dawn Serra: So, I reached out to my colleagues and got a whole bunch of really interesting things to share with you, and I hope that it gives you a jumping off point. First up, Chris Maxwell Rose from Pleasure Mechanics, who you’ve heard on the show a few times, has a friend who created this awesome podcast, that I didn’t know about but now I do and I’m so excited too, called Masculine Birth Ritual. The description for the podcast reads: The things masculine-of-center queer and trans people do to make, birth, and nurture human life. How cool is that? That’s right up your alley. There are 16 episodes, so far, and I’ll have a link to the podcast at dawnserra.com/ep289/ – plus, all the stuff that I’m about to mention so you can check that out. I’m really excited to know about this podcast so I hope you check that out.

You mentioned also knowing of a few folks who have navigated this space of fertility treatments and pregnancy. But as you said, they’re all in the post-baby bliss stage. It might be really helpful to connect with people like Trystan Reese who made their trans pregnancy very public and shared their journey on Instagram and through lots of interviews. 

Dawn Serra: I wonder, there are lots of people like Trystan Reese who are trans and non-binary, who have been very public about their pregnancy journies. Would it be helpful for you to go back to their pre-birth posts and to be in the questions they were asking and in the confusion of their past selves? That’s one of the gifts of the internet – that we can time travel in a way. I mean, Trystan may now be a parent, but there were so many posts and articles that came out while they were pregnant and there might be some solidarity and support to be found in those older resources that, for you, are really present.

I’m also wondering do you have access to a really rad midwife or doula? There are some queer doulas and midwives doing really important work with non-binary, trans, and queer familes. Folks like Refuge Midwifery is one that I highly recommend. They’re very queer, non-binary, and trans-inclusive, and do workshops and really cool things so reaching out to them might be cool. There’s also Jenna at Love Over Fear Wellness and Birth – Love Over Fear Wellness and Birth specializes in trans and non-binary pregnancy and birth. There’s also Tynan Rhea who is not only a doula, but a non-binary badass who trains other doulas and midwives in serving non-binary and trans folks around pregnancy. 

Dawn Serra: So, my question to you is, is there someone like that near you or could you work with some of these folks that I mentioned online to feel more support? I think everyone that I mentioned is in the United States, but they have websites and posts all kinds of cool resources on their social media and on their blogs. So, that might be a way to feel less alone. They might know all kinds of resources that I don’t, so even reaching out to them. 

I also did a quick search and found a midwife who is a transman that’s located in the U.K named Nathan Daniel Welch and there’s a fun article with him talking about midwifery and gender. So, that also might be someone. Maybe Nathan knows some support groups and services near you. I think that being able to start following these people and even specifically reaching out and asking them if they know of anyone in your area could probably yield some great results. I also found some articles by non-binary folks who are either wanting to get pregnant or are in the process of being pregnant. And they link to all sorts of groups and resources, so I am going to link to those articles at dawnserra.com/ep289/ so that you can check them out and hopefully find some good stuff.

Dawn Serra: The last question that I have is, what about finding a support group for non-binary and trans folks who are trying to become pregnant? There might not be an in-person group near you like in DC, there was Rainbow Families and they did all kinds of really cool pre-parenting workshops for queer, trans, and non-binary folks. So, if there’s not something like that near you, maybe a Facebook group or a parenting forum – finding something like that where you can actually talk to other people who are in similar stages and/or who are just a little ahead of where you are in these processes, who can share the ways they unpacked and held some of these questions. 

I mean, I think the bottom line is it’s clear you are not alone, even if it feels isolating right now. There’s some awesome people who have been exactly where you are and who have documented their experiences online so that it online for those who come after them. They have resources and hope. There’s also some really great inclusive professionals who would love to support you or to share resources with you so that you can find support near you as you navigate this space. It’s also worth mentioning, if it feels too complicated right now, you don’t have to get pregnant. You can circle back down the road. It might cause a little bit more money and it might feel challenging to admit that, but you don’t have to be ready right now. That’s OK. Noticing what’s coming up for you is important, and once you’re pregnant things will change really fast in a bunch of unpredictable ways because, again, bodies – pregnant bodies. They do weird things.

Dawn Serra: So, what would it feel like for you if you had more support in this time leading up to the pregnancy? Would it feel good to maybe have a therapist or to have a really great doula and midwife? To have a whole bunch of people you follow on social media who get it ? To be part of a support group? Or even taking the time now to start cultivating and curating a care team that’s really queer-informed and who gets all of this stuff around the complexities of being non-binary, and dealing with the world of prenatal and post-natal? Would that feel more empowering? Would you feel more supported?

Things may not ever be simple or feel resolved, but I wonder if feeling less alone and having more access to resources might give you a sense of being less lost. Because I really want that for you. You are not alone in asking these questions and navigating this space. I think it’s just hard to find those first couple of threads and then whole new worlds start revealing themselves to you. 

Dawn Serra: I hope that was helpful to you, H. I am wishing you the very very best from across the pond. Please keep us posted on your pregnancy journey!

To all of you, that is it for this week’s episode! Patrons, don’t forget to head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast to get this week’s bonus – all of our new year’s reflecting and dreaming. I will be back next week and in the meantime, be sure to send in your questions! dawnserra.com is where you can find me. I will talk to you soon. Bye!

Dawn Serra: A huge thanks to The Vocal Few, the married duo behind the music featured in this week’s intro and outro. Find them at vocalfew.com. Head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast to support the show and get awesome weekly bonuses. 

As you look towards the next week, I wonder what will you do differently that rewrites an old story, revitalizes a stuck relationship or helps you to connect more deeply with your pleasure?