tl;dr Relationship green flags (healthy relationship behaviors), community accountability, and play party etiquette.

News!

1. Patrons who support at $3 and above, you’re invited to join the Explore More book club. We are meeting in December to discuss Jenny Odell’s “How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy”, so check out my new post at patreon.com/sgrpodcast.

How are you doing? No really. How are you? Share with me, if you’d like, and send in your questions because I’d love to hear from you. Send me a note using the contact form in the navigation above?

What are relationship green flags? In other words, what are healthy relationship behaviors? What’s a green flag for relationships? Well, after seeing a meme circulating with a few of them, I compiled a list of 24 green flag behaviors for relationships, because we hear a lot about red flags and it’s nice to know what to do versus what not to do.

Anderbear wrote in wanting to know how to proactively set up an accountability pod for their kinky community and resources for community accountability.

While the list isn’t exhaustive, it is a jumping off point! Here’s what I’ve got:

First up, I recommend following the work of Mia Mingus, Kay Pranis, Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha, Mariame Kaba, Shira Hassan, and of course, adrienne maree brown.

If you are a person of color, I definitely recommend checking out the Emergent Strategy Ideation Institute. They have a program that looks fantastic and is only open to POC. Also, Allied Media has some rad stuff going on.

Books I recommend include:

• Emergent Strategy by adrienne maree brown
• Fumbling Toward Repair is a workbook by Mariame Kaba and Shira Hassan
• In January, 2020, a new book by AK Press is coming out that I am HIGHLY anticipating: Beyond Survival: Strategies and Stories from the Transformative Justice Movement edited by Ejeris Dixon & Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha. PRE ORDER NOW!
• Kay Pranis has a few books on Circle Processes
• And the free online book, Creative Interventions Toolkit by Creative Interventions

There’s one other place that I highly recommend, especially for pre-establishing pods and pro-actively creating accountability measures and that’s transformharm.org.

Their pod mapping worksheet can be found here.

The Pleasure Mechanics added a Values and Accountability page to their website that I think is fantastic and something everyone could learn from.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook and Dawn is on Instagram.

About Dawn Serra:

What if everything you’ve been taught about relationships, about your body, about sex is wrong? My name is Dawn Serra and I dare to ask scary questions that might lead us all towards a deeper, more connected experience of our lives. In addition to being the host of the weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real, the creator of the online conference Explore More, I also work one-on-one with clients who are feeling stuck, confused, or disappointed with the ways they experience desire, love, and confidence. It’s not all work, though. In my spare time, you can find me adventuring with my husband, cuddling my cats as I read a YA novel, or obsessing over MasterChef Australia.

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Episode Transcript

Coming soon

Dawn Serra: You’re listening to Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra, that’s me. This is a place where we explore sex, bodies, and relationships, from a place of curiosity and inclusion. Tying the personal to the cultural where you’re just as likely to hear tender questions about shame and the complexities of love, as you are to hear experts challenging the dominant stories around pleasure, body politics, and liberation. This is about the big and the small, about sex and everything surrounding it we don’t usually name. The funny, the awkward, the imperfect happen here in service to joy, connection, healing, and creating healthier relationships with ourselves and each other. So, welcome to Sex Gets Real. Don’t forget to hit subscribe.

Hey, you! How in the hell is it November of 2019 already? Also, how is it about to be a new decade in two months? We’re going to be the ‘20s Isn’t that weird? When you think about the ‘20s, you usually think about flappers and… I don’t know. The time before The Great Depression and Great Gatsby, and now we’re going to be in the ‘20s again. It’s so weird. Anyway, how are you doing? If it feels fun, shoot me an email and let me know. I really want to know how you are actually really doing. I think when we ask that question, often it’s just a filler question. But I really am thinking about that more and how are we doing. For me, it a great big mixed bag. So for you, how are you doing? 

Dawn Serra: I also mentioned in last week’s episode that we are doing a book club for Jenny Odell’s new book “How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy” and that book club is in a few weeks so Patrons, who support at $3 and above, you get to join. You’re invited. Information is on patreon.com/sgrpodcast. Anyway, I’m almost done with the book and it’s giving me so much to really chew on. I’m underlining, I’m making notes on the margins of this book – left and right. A part of what I’ve been chewing on is reflecting on the ways that social media or the phrase that Jenny uses – the attention economy, has been shrinking our worlds. It seems that our world is expanding because we’re more connected than ever. But really, our worlds are being shrunk because they’re being forever optimized. And through algorithms and decisions, and code that are designed by people outside of us.

Our social media platforms are always optimizing what we see and who we interact with to really try to smooth us into these little perfectly predictable bubbles. So that we click more, we comment more, are online more; and we see more and more of the things that we want to see and that get us riled up. But Jenny is arguing, and I would too, that that is not what it means to be human. Because to be human is to be alive and messy and growing. So, I mean it when I ask how are you doing. When was the last time some asked and really wanted a full, honest, messy, imperfect answer where they actually stopped and listened?

Dawn Serra: So whether it’s to tell me how you’re doing or whether you have a question for me, I would love to hear from you. Your emails always mean so much to me. You can either anonymously message me at dawnserra.com using the contact form or you can email me directly info at sexgetsreal dot com. I can’t reply to everybody but I sure read every single email and treasure it. And I would love to know what’s on your mind, what’s in your heart, and what wants attention.

This week I have two podcast interviews that I’m super excited about with Kai Cheng Thom and Darcy Steinke. It’s perfectly timed, too, because I finally long overdue – I’m going on a three week vacation from mid-November to early December. And then as soon as I get home, my dad is coming to visit us for the very first time here in Vancouver. So, it means that you get to hear from some really awesome people in the coming weeks while I am taking time off. Patrons, you’ll also be getting some rad bonus content because I’ll be having some really rich chats with these incredible people.

Dawn Serra: Today, we are going to start by exploring relationship green flags – the opposite of red flags and we’re going to dive into some of your emails. So earlier this week, this little meme was circulating listing relationship green flags. I’ve seen a variety of versions of this over the years. And I really liked most of what was on it. But I did think it was missing a couple. So I took that list of the relationship green flags and I expanded on it, and thought, “This would be a nice thing for us to just be in together on the episode today.” Because we tend to talk about a lot of the things on the show where people are stuck, where things have gone wrong, where things could be different or better. And it’s nice to think about – what’s going right? Or what could we practice so that we can better show up in our relationships. 

There’s just so many red flags we talk about on this show. But anyway, it’s really helpful for us to think about the things that we can strengthen and practice and do better. So this list is for all of your relationships whether it’s professional or neighborly or friendship, platonic, romantic or sexual. Though a couple of things on it are kind of specific to people who we cohabitate with – but again, it could be a romantic partner or a roommate. These are behaviors that tend to foster connection and healing rather than introducing trauma and resentment and disconnection. I also just want to say it’s really important for us to remember that it’s really difficult for us to hit all of these behaviors all of the time. We’re human, we’re messy, we’re imperfect, we’re growing. Life is complicated. So it’s less about keeping a checklist, and more about taking a really holistic view of ourselves, and how we behave, and the people in our lives. The stories, the external forces at play, and everything that we really need to take into consideration in any given moment.

Dawn Serra: You might be partnered with someone who exhibits very few of these behaviors but if you were to end a relationship with them you wouldn’t have safe housing. In that case, your physical safety is going to trump leaving in this moment because of green flags or red flags. Or, maybe someone in your life is going through something really hard and so they really can’t show up for you in the ways that you need right now. But you know that it’s temporary and you can show up for them. So this is just a gem – a list for us to consider. It’s not complete. There’s lots of other green flag behaviors out in the world that can make relationships really nourishing and fun. But here are some that came from the meme and then a few others that I added on:

So there are twenty-four that I’m going to go through, and just have a couple of thoughts about each one.

1. Supports your personal growth. This means someone who understands and embraces you changing, which can be really scary when the people we love start growing in ways that we may not be ready to grow ourselves or start changing in ways that we didn’t expect. But, a green flag is the fear doesn’t hold us back from supporting this person that we love and care about. So, supports your personal growth. 
2. Practices self-care. You’ve heard me talk about we-care and community care a lot recently, so I just wanted to say that practicing self-care for me when I think about that as a green flag means understanding their own needs and desires, prioritizes rest and nourishment for self, while also understanding that sometimes caring for others needs to come first and knowing how to balance that or to ask for help and oscillate between the two. But, tending to self – not needing someone else to tell them to shower or eat or those kinds of things. And sometimes, again, because of our mental health, we might just be there for a while so that’s why we want to take a more holistic view.
3. Self-reflective. I think this one is especially important because so many of my clients come to me alone, frustrated, feeling like they’re between a rock and a hard place because their partner just isn’t willing to do the work to take a look at their own behavior, or to work with a professional or to reflect and honestly take stock of their lives. Some of the other behaviors on this list can only happen if a person is self-reflective, so I think this is a big one.
4. Long-standing friendships. Not all the time but it can really be really indicative… Do they foster relationships of all kinds and value others? Whether it’s working relationships or casual local relationships with baristas and Farmer’s Market vendors to friendships and even the way they speak about their exes – all of this offers insight into whether someone only finds people worthy if they are of use to them. This really boils down to respect and valuing connection with others, and do they have relationships they’ve nurtured over a long period of time. 
5. Empathy. Which is huge. Empathy is so important and if you’ve heard Kate Kenfield on the show, a couple of times, you know that empathy isn’t so much about putting yourself in another person’s shoes as it is listening non-judgmentally with curiosity and allowing another person’s experiences to be true. It’s not jumping to give advice or hijacking situations with their own stories to the point no one else gets to feel seen and held. So empathy, I think, is huge. 
6. Vulnerability. Are they always putting on their shiny, performative self? Are they always armoring up or do they allow people in? Do they let you see their flaws and feelings and their mistakes? 
7. Shares emotions responsibly. This is one that can be challenging for all of us because so few of us were raised in families and communities that valued all emotions, while also teaching responsible ways of sharing them and that’s a really important key. Because we have a responsibility to share our emotions in ways that don’t cause harm. That take the other person’s resources and capacity into account. Yelling, verbal vomiting, dumping things on someone as soon as we come in the door – demanding lots of time from someone without asking first are ways that we can share emotions in ways that aren’t responsible. I also think that responsible sharing is using a lot of I statements, asking if someone has the time and capacity for you to share, knowing that right now might not always be the best time, while still finding time and space for sharing rather than then denying their feelings or getting passive-aggressive about it. There’s one other thing that I want to note, this has come up with a couple of my clients recently. It’s not responsible to only share our feelings when something difficult or challenging is happening. If every single time you say, “Can we talk about something?” or “I really would love to share my feelings.” It’s about something you want changed or something that hurt or something that’s not going well. That can really erode trust and safety just as quickly as yelling or withdrawing. Sharing emotions responsibly includes sharing our feelings when things feel good, easy, exciting, happy, nourishing, simple, and content. If we only share our feelings when we’re disappointed, frustrated, angry, or hurt, it teaches the people in our life that sharing of feelings is a negative thing and that’s the last thing most of us want in the long run, is to only ever hear someone’s feelings when we’ve done something wrong or when something isn’t good enough.
8. Healthy hobbies. Healthy hobbies was on these meme and I kept it because I think the spirit of it is good. I don’t particularly love the word ‘healthy’ ‘cause that’s so subjective. But, what are their outside interests? Do these interests that nourish them, that offer them growth, other sources of connection, that bring them pleasure, that help them to feel more expressed and creative? That give them a way to have their own time and their own joy, and their own life and their own interests. That can be a really important part in having thriving relationships. 
9. Communicates openly. This one is similar to a couple of the others in the list, but I think it’s worth mentioning that communication is about so much more than just feelings. Do they make time for you? Do they ask for what they need? Do they work with you to coordinate schedules? Are they able to articulate hopes, dreams, desires without you having to do all the labor of pulling it out of them or chasing them over and over again? This also means being able to set boundaries. And I also think it’s important to note that this doesn’t mean making yourself available all the time to someone and it also doesn’t mean responding immediately. There is a trend that I’ve noticed a lot lately where people get really upset if they don’t get immediately a text response back or a message back or an email back. So communicating openly doesn’t necessarily mean immediacy but it does mean thoughtfulness. So, I would say being available when things are important, not ghosting you, not withholding information – that all fits in here too.
10. Honors their own boundaries and the boundaries of others. Many of us are practicing this space and many of us find that it’s a lot easier to set boundaries with certain people than with others, and to really honor the boundaries of certain people and not others. Family is a place where those can get messy. Does this person know how to say no to things? Do they accept your no and the no of others without trying to manipulate you out of it or coercing you to do what they want and same goes for you? Do they share their needs and wants and also makes space for co-creation and collaboration around those things? Or is it my way or the highway? Are they curious about your needs and desires? Do they work with you rather than against you in service to their own needs? So honoring their boundaries and the boundaries of others – big green flag.
11. Values interdependence. This is an important one because it means having the capacity to honor their own experiences while also honoring that no one around them exists in a vacuum. We impact those around us and we are impacted by those around us. There are some real toxic hyperindividualism that I see unfolding in some poly circles and some relationship anarchy circles. And of course, there’s a lot of toxicity built into traditional unevaluated monogamy too. Because we live in a culture that tells us that hyperindividualism is the way to be and it’s becoming this extreme where people don’t want to admit that the things they’re doing have an impact on those around them; and that they’re impacted by those that are in their lives too. So, I think it’s a big green flag to see someone who sees the value in offering help, in accepting help, in collaborating and creating networks of care that takes responsibility for not only their impact on the humans in their lives but also non-humans like animals, plants, the earth. I think another phrase for values interdependence would be relational responsibility, which you’ve heard we talked about that in the show recently.
12. Seeks accountability. Are they open to hearing when they’ve caused harm? Do they apologize and really work to change their behavior to minimize chances that it happens again down the road? Can they admit when they’ve made a mistake or they’ve messed up? Do they have people they trust that they can go to to help process things and get honest feedback from? I think that’s a beautiful green flag. I would also say that the opposite of that is true too. Can they hold space for you when you make mistakes? Can they hold space while you’re going through the messy process of apologizing and trying to do better? They don’t expect professionalism. They know you’re human.
13. Curiosity. This is one of my most favorite behaviors in the world. You hear me talk about it all the time. Genuine open curiosity. It’s such a playful, incredible way to connect and to attempt to understand others. Because it’s not about learning more so you can control or manipulate, but just genuinely wanting to know. To hear other people’s perspectives and to be in this space of not knowing without expectation or demand – huge green flag for me.
14. Values your opinion and is open to being influenced by others. When we’re in relationship with people who value us and see us as equals, we know that our opinions will be valued and factored into a person’s life. That’s part of sharing space, sharing life, sharing ideas, being interdependent. This doesn’t necessarily mean they always do the things in the way that we would’ve done them or that they implement our advice, but they want and seek your perspective. They allow it to change their perspective and their worldview. I think another way to say this is that they aren’t determined to always be right and to always know all the things.
15. Transparency. This one I learned from Shadeen Francis. Honesty is often at the top of the list of behaviors for we value in relationship, what we should want. And I would agree that we do want honesty. Honesty is really important because it’s a sign of respect and accountability. But, it’s worth noting that we can be honest without being generous with the truth. And I love how Shadeen Francis talks about transparency being about anticipating what’s important to someone and then offering the truth ahead of time; so that we have more opportunities to consent to things, to share our feelings, and to feel like our experience and needs are valued. 
16. The story that Shadeen around this is around French fries. So, I’ll share it even though you’ve probably heard it before if you’ve listened for a while. If you and I are sharing a meal at a restaurant, let’s say you’ve ordered French fries and they come to the table and you say, “I got to the restroom.” If, while you’re gone, I sneak a few fries, honesty would look like fessing up when you return. So like, “Hey, while you were gone I took a couple of your Frenchfries.” That’s honesty. I’m being honest about the thing that I did.” But transparency anticipates all of this and gives an opportunity for an exchange to happen. So, as you say, “I’m going to the restroom,” transparency might sound like , “I might steal a few fries while you’re gone. Is that okay?” or “Oh my god. Your fries smell really good. Can I have a couple?” This gives you both an opportunity to consent to the thing before it happens and to weigh in. So for me, transparency is a big green flag because it’s a huge part of creating and fostering trust and consent in a relationship. So I thought that it really did belong here.
17. Responds instead of reacts. This is one that can be so challenging. It’s one that I am practicing all the time and not that great at depending on the situation. But when we find people who are able to pause, to breathe, to let that initial rush of emotions move through them without immediately reacting so that they just have that moment to choose how to respond – that’s a valuable skill to have in relationship and it can foster such meaningful dialog when we are able to just take that moment to pause and choose. I was in a relationship with someone who only knew how to react and it was honestly really terrifying. I spent a lot of time in that relationship walking on eggshells because I was trying to avoid those big reactions and it was so exhausting. It caused a lot of damage. I was doing so much to just try to prevent those reactions that I was rarely ever present in myself. I never really felt safe. Someone who can take that moment – it’s not that they’re feeling that rush of anger or feeling that rush of sadness or disappointment or fear. It’s that they can actually just pause, “Okay, I just need a second.” And then they choose what they’re going to do or say or they ask for a little bit of space – that kind of behavior can give us so many more options, especially for imperfection, and multiple human beings being messy and imperfect together. 
18. Doesn’t punch down with their humor. I think this is just another way to say the person respects other human beings and doesn’t see others as a punchline. Whether it’s poor folks, disabled folks, folks who haven’t had the same kinds of institutional education, or you. I think it’s a green flag to find someone who knows how to be funny without it being at the expense of someone else. This does, for me, includes sarcasm and insults posed as humor. There’s a very grey space and a fine line in that area. So knowing when you’re around and when you’re not, that the punchline isn’t you or other people who are human beings with feelings – that’s a huge green flag. 
19. Listens to you. It’s a big green flag when we find people who want to know what’s going on in our lives, who want to know about our feelings, our day, our hopes and dreams, the fears we carry. Are they interested and eager to hear about what’s going on for you without it being about fixing you or rushing you through something or treating you like a distraction from their phone or their game, or their friends? 
20. Contributes to the maintenance of the relationship. I think it’s important to say without being asked all the time. Sometimes we do need to ask for certain kinds of support, for certain help. We are just going to notice different things in our lives because we have different perspectives. So, I may notice that the dishes are dirty a little bit sooner than someone else might. But they might notice that the laundry needs done before I do. We just have different levels of noticing things and things that bother us. That contributes to the maintenance of the relationship for me is about taking responsibility. Doing things around the house, helping with the chores that need to happen, mentally tracking what groceries you’re low on, knowing who needs to be where when. Understanding the ways that gender and class can really contribute to assumed roles around physical labor and emotional labor. So, it’s not about scorekeeping or splitting things exactly down the middle but it is about taking responsibility, having conversations about workload and fairness, reaching out and wishing people good luck on important days and remembering important days. There’s lots of different ways that we can contribute to the maintenance of a relationship. We’re not going to be good at all the things all the time but is there an attempt? Is there a reach? Is there a desire to stay in contact and to contribute?
21. Contributes to a sense of safety. In order to feel pleasure in our lives, we have to have a relative amount of safety. So does this person foster a sense of safety in sharing yourself, in allowing you to be imperfect, and make mistakes? Do you feel okay sharing your truth and knowing this person isn’t going to judge you?
22. Allows for uncertainty as well as ebbs and flows. All relationships experience highs and lows. There are ebbs and flows in all relationships, especially relationships that last past that honeymoon period. I think it’s important to remind you, I know I’ve mentioned this on the show before, the Gottman Institute has found in their 35+ years of relationship research that 69% of conflicts in committed romantic relationships are unresolvable. So that means 31% of the conflicts we get into will probably have a resolution and the rest won’t. And what separates relationships that are collapsing from relationships that thrive is that the people inside the relationship know when one of those unresolvable things come up, that it’s a thing they’ve survived before, it might be a little irritating or frustrating but they have ways to connect and to move one. Sometimes things are weird and unresolved for a while. So does this person have the capacity to still connect, respect, and value you even when things are a little off or a little weird? They allow for uncertainty and ebbs and flows.
23. They make your friends and family comfortable. This isn’t about everyone loving this person, but is this person able to show up in a way that there’s enough respect that everyone in your life that you really care about feels comfortable and at ease when you’re together?
24. Offers love in a way you like receiving it. Whether you’re using the Five Love Languages or something else, I think that it’s a green flag when someone gets to know the things that make me feel special and cared for, and then offers love in those ways. Because most of us offer love in the ways we like to receive it. So a really good example is my mom. She loves receiving gifts. For her, getting gifts – thoughtful gifts on her birthday or on Christmas are a big part of feeling loved. But she also feels like everyone else loves gifts and so she goes out of her way to send lots of small gifts because that’s what she enjoys. And it’s sweet that she gets so excited by presents. But for me, gifts is one of my least favorite Love Languages. I would much rather have a meaningful experience or a really yummy meal than get a bunch of little presents. So, a green flag is this person takes the time to get to know you and what makes you feel special and valued, and then meets you in that way. 
25. Finally, I’ve included this as a green flag although I think this is the lowest of the lowest of bars. It’s the baseline. It’s where we start from and then go up. They respect you. It really should go without saying that a relationship is about respect. But so many of us have entered into relationships with such low bars that sometimes we really aren’t being respected and don’t realize we deserve that. This can happen if we are terrified of being alone and we grasp onto to someone because we’re running away from loneliness rather than because this person genuinely nourishes us and respects us. But respect is, I’m calling it a green flag even though it’s probably not even a flag at all, it’s just the foundation upon which everything else stands. If you aren’t sure, I just want to make it explicit: You deserve to be respected and anyone who doesn’t respect you then doesn’t deserve your time. 

Dawn Serra: So that was 24 green flags for relationships. Again, we’re not going to hit all 24 of those green flags all of the time, but it is helpful to start noticing behaviors and asking ourselves if it feels good, what might need to change, what this other person is capable of, where we could level up and do something a little bit differently. This is also why it’s helpful to have a variety of relationships and people in our lives. Maybe one friend is fantastic about making us feel safe and loved, and where we share really vulnerable things while another friend is terrific at empathy. Especially around, maybe, a specific emotion. Both of these friends can help support us and bolster us maybe in our regular lives or especially if someone else in our life is going through a tough time and struggling to be there for us right now. Having multiple people we can go to is a really important thing for feeling supported and cared for and loved in our lives.

One of my favorite questions to ask clients I work with is how do you want to feel in your relationships? How do you want to feel when there’s a conflict? How do you want to feel when you bring this person to hang out with your friends? How do you want to feel when you wake up next to this person or when you walk into the office and see this person? When you start to find language for how you want to feel in your various relationships, then we can ask ourselves what behaviors help contribute to those feelings. And I’m willing to bet, a lot of the behaviors on this Green Flags list are going to be there. 

Dawn Serra: If you have other green flag behaviors that weren’t named, share them on Facebook on the Sex Gets Real Facebook page and leave a note. Leave a comment. What other behaviors for you are green flags that help tell you, “This is a person that is good for me. Their behavior feels really supportive.” Share. I’d love to hear from you ‘cause this list is not complete. But it is big and it is helpful so then we know some of the things to look for. We are going to dive into your questions.

This first email comes from AnderBear with a subject line of “Accountability for Organizers”. The email says:

“Hello, Dawn. I love the way you uplifted the survivor pod’s message around Eve Rickert and the other women affected in #PolyamorysMeToo moment. It gave me a lot to think about in my own communities.

Recently, I hosted a munch for kinky queer people and it was a huge success – twice as many people showed up than I or my co-organizers had anticipated and everyone had a great time. However, as the #MeToo movement is teaching us, it’s a lot easier for authority figures to cause harm whether intentional or not. Also, I feel like my biggest frustration with existing groups in the area is that they are desperate to pretend that “drama doesn’t happen here” or that they’ve succeeded in creating an absolutely safe community. I want to know if you have any advice on setting up a proactive accountability pod/circle for leadership in sex and kink focused communities. What are some ways to get the general membership onboard with the idea that a community can’t ever be free from harm, but can work to address it without always resorting to a strict punitive response? What resources would you recommend where I can learn more about the nuts and bolts of the pod framework and transformative justice? I’m definitely already exploring Aida Manduley’s blog, but I’d love to hear other perspectives too. Thanks again for putting together such a wholesome and earnest podcast. It’s a joy to listen to. AnderBear”

Dawn Serra: Hi, AnderBear! Thank you so much for the thoughtful note. I know lots of people are asking themselves questions like these right now so I appreciate the question. I also really appreciate that little note you put in the end about being wholesome and earnest. Earnest, for me, is a word that really resonates. It’s not for everyone but it’s definitely for me. Also, congratulations on that munch you hosted and how huge of a success it was. That’s great!

So, as far as your question, there’s a lot out there and I personally have only scratched the tip of the iceberg,. So I’m going to share what I know, which I acknowledge is very little and hopefully just give you some starting points where you can then learn more and more from people that are doing awesome work.

Dawn Serra: First up, if you aren’t already, I recommend following people like Mia Mingus, Kay Pranis, Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha, Mariame Kaba, Shira Hassan, and of course, adrienne maree brown. All of these people do work in transformative justice and community accountability. Several of them do workshops and are touring all of the time and have books.

If you are a person of color, I definitely recommend checking out the Emergent Strategy Ideation Institute. They have a program that looks so fantastic and it’s open only to people of color. So that’s worth checking out for all the POC out there. Also, Allied Media has some really rad stuff going on. Check out all of their work. There are a couple of books that I would recommend, too. Of course, the first one being “Emergent Strategy” by adrienne maree brown. There is a new book that came out this year called “Fumbling Toward Repair”. It’s a workbook about community accountability and transformative justice by Mariame Kaba and Shira Hassan. So check that out. It’s for people who are already doing TJ and community accountability work. But even if you’re not, there’s some really good resources and it’s worth just having on your shelf. And then, I also want to mention that in January of 2020, there’s a new book by AK Press coming out that I’m really, really anticipating called “Beyond Survival: Strategies and Stories from the Transformative Justice Movement” and it’s edited by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha and Ejeris Dixon. Kay Pranis has a couple of books on Circle Processes, which is very similar to community accountability work and pod work. I was told to check out Kay Pranis by Aida Manduley. Then there’s this free book that you can get online called “The Creative Interventions Toolkit” by Creative Interventions. That is a must-have and it’s free and online, so grab that.

Dawn Serra: There’s one other place that I would definitely recommend, especially for pre-establishing pods and pro-actively creating accountability measures, and that is transformharm.org. I’m going to have lots of links for this episode at dawnserra.com/ep283. So be sure you got there to check it out. But at transformharm.org, you can find a worksheet with some instructions on how to figure out who you’d like in various pods, as well as who can support those people in their podwork. It’s made the rounds over the years. But I recommend everyone download the worksheet and really seriously think if you were to experience harm, who would you want in your survivor pod that could support you and if you were to cause harm, who would you want in your pod that would help you with your accountability work?

On their website, transformharm.org, there are loads and loads of articles, resources, and curriculum, including a link to the Creative Interventions Toolkit, which is 500 pages. They have case studies, resources for survivors, guides by other groups on how they implemented accountability, and lots of other stuffs. I think, AnderBear, that’s probably the place you want to go. There is a lot. It’s the kind of thing that’s going to take time to move through, but that is the first place I would go, if I were you, to looking for action plans, strategies, and guidance, and what other people have done.

Dawn Serra: I also wanted to share The Pleasure Mechanics recently updated their website to include a page on their values and some accountability statements for places they would like to do better moving forward. It’s pretty amazing. It’s something I would like to build on to my site in the coming months. But I recommend checking that out, too, just as an example of someone that’s in this space of sex, kink, and the erotic. Doing accountability work really publicly. I’ll link to that page along with everything else I’ve mentioned at dawnserra.com/ep283 for episode 283.

The One thing that I think all of us should consider is, when we’re thinking about who we would want for our pod if we caused harm because harm is inevitable, it’s very human of us that the tendency is going to be to choose people who would side with us or validate us. But in ways that might not lead to true accountability. We’ve seen this with Franklin Veaux in that some of the people he has selected for his pod don’t, one, actually have training or experience in community accountability or transformative justice, but they’re also gaslighting the survivors, claiming expertise in behavior and interview techniques that are actively de-centering survivors, and they’re causing harm, which sucks.

Dawn Serra: My hope is that for all of us when we cause harm, the people that we surround ourselves with to help us do the work are going to be the kind of people who can do so with compassion and kindness but can really, really hold us accountable without contributing to further harm. So, who are the experts you’d want to reach out to for oversight? People like Aida Manduley, Mia Mingus, adrienne maree brown, and others. Who are people that can be with complexity and nuance, who don’t try to rush to certainty and answers ‘cause that’s a big part of these processes? Who are the people that don’t have a vested interest in you being right?

I also want to mention that Aida recently told me that they are working on a big resource page for their website that’s coming soon and it’s going to have a lot of the information that you’re asking about, Anderbear, so make sure you’re following them on Twitter to stay up to date on that ‘cause I’m sure it’s going to be great. You also asked about how to bring people on board. I think this is a really interesting question because that largely depends on the group dynamics and the types of people who are a part of the groups you’re talking about. Is it mostly white, straight, cis, middle class, able-bodied folks with a lot of unearned privilege, who aren’t involved in much social justice work? Is it a big mix of people including folks who do activist work for fat activism, disability justice, racial justice, trans equality, and the like? Are there people making money off the events or who are really invested in the celebrity of being an expert and centering themselves? Or are these events in the community a lot more about community collaboration and there’ve already been discussions about how to center the most marginalized or making spaces more accessible? People who know how to ask tougher questions.

If the group largely believes that harm is not possible, you might have more work to do in influencing change versus a group who maybe doesn’t have the language of transformative language or community accountability but already has started talking about patterns of harm, or recognizing past mistakes. So taking stock of where people are for the particular communities that you’re talking about, the access that they have to information around social justice and how much unearned privilege they have. Those kinds of things are probably going to tell you whether you have more work or less in trying to influence doing things differently. 

Dawn Serra: At the most human level, storytelling can be a really powerful way to bring people into a place of curiosity, so whether it’s starting a book club or bringing in some guest speakers who can speak to the work you’d like to see happen, that can be a really wonderful way to build empathy and to open people to new ideas without it being about lecturing or telling them they need to be different.

I also think you’re going to find lots of what you’re looking for on transformharm.org so definitely go there also, connect with others who are doing this work in other communities and trying to bring some accountability to their communities, too. Having co-conspirators and people who get it can ease some of the frustration and disappointment that’s inevitable in trying to move groups of people towards doing this differently. Because as soon as you start talking about community accountability and acknowledging harm, there’s this natural defense mechanism that comes up for a lot of people because they don’t want to think of themselves as ever being the ones who are getting called in or called out. And so instead, for people that are experiencing less harm or that are more privileged, it’s often a lot easier to just cover your ears and pretend like it’s not happening. So having other people that you can talk to about that can feel supportive when it feels frustrating.

Dawn Serra: If you are listening to this and have other ideas and resources for AnderBear, write in. Let me know, I’ll share it on the show down the road or share it on the Sex Gets Real Facebook page and then we’ll have a record on it there. So to you, AnderBear, thank you for this really thoughtful question. Be sure to go to dawnserra.com/ep283 for all those resources so that you can go down the rabbit hole of all these learning and hopefully finding some really great resources and ideas for your communities. And thank you for the thoughtful question. Best of luck to you.

This next email is an update from Not Asking For It about a question they sent in a while back about Play Party Etiquette. Their update says, 

“Hi Dawn, I wrote in a couple months back about play party etiquette. I want to thank you for your gentle advice and rich recommendations. I went to another play party recently and it was just like how you described a healthy one should be! We all had to be there by 9 and the first thing we did was all gather in the living room for introductions: name, orientation, role, pronouns, and what we were looking for. After that the host put on a PowerPoint presentation all about consent, safety, and house rules. That was a pleasant surprise. The party was really fun. After giving enthusiastic consent, I got eaten out in the dungeon room where there were others being flogged and playing as well. I felt so safe and so free knowing that I was being watched took the intensity up to a whole new level! I’m so happy I now know how to choose healthy play party environments and how to speak up for what I want and don’t want. Thanks for helping me get there!”

Dawn Serra: YAY! I’m so glad you had a chance to experience an event that was so thoughtfully planned and that you got to experience some yummy play, too! More of that for everyone! Organizers, if you’re listening, so much more is possible when you really take the time to consider power dynamics, privilege, potential harm, gender roles, the container that’s needed for people who maybe have trouble advocating for self to have ways to feel more spacious around their needs and desires. That stuff is so important. So thank you so much for the update, Not Asking For It! I wish many more fun parties are awaiting you and that are fun and delicious and pleasurable. 

Next week, I have this really sweet email from someone named Anxious Freshman who is writing in with some questions about intimacy and being able to share openly. They’re about to go away for college. I wanted to do it this week but we are out of time. So stay tuned. I’ll have that next week. There’s so much more that I want to share with all of you so keep tuning in. Patrons, head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast, I will have bonus for you on Monday. If you have a question you’d like me to help with, email me! I would love to hear from you. And of course, I will be recording some interviews that you’ll be hearing in the coming weeks while I’m on vacation. So, I will be next week and I will talk to you soon. Bye.

Dawn Serra: A huge thanks to The Vocal Few, the married duo behind the music featured in this week’s intro and outro. Find them at vocalfew.com. Head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast to support the show and get awesome weekly bonuses. 

As you look towards the next week, I wonder what will you do differently that rewrites an old story, revitalizes a stuck relationship or helps you to connect more deeply with your pleasure?