Your pleasure matters.

1. Join the July cohort of  my 5-week online Power in Pleasure course. Check out details and enroll at dawnserra.com/pleasurecourse.

This week’s episode is just me and you.

First, I get on a soapbox about the bullshit that is “straight pride” and how it’s really just like white pride and men’s rights activists. We’ve got to call this stuff out and do better.

Listener Rick wrote in to share some changes he’s experienced in pleasure since really listening to his wife. AMAZING!

Next up, Confused Cookie has a problem. The love of her life keeps breaking their agreements and lying to her. This is not what ethical non-monogamy or polyamory are about, folks. If someone is breaking agreements, hiding things, and lying, that’s unethical regardless of the dynamic. CC deserves so much better and I have suggestions for what to do next (*cough* leave him *cough*).

Chuch has been having this new, bizarre sexual energy with a person in his life that isn’t lustful, but definitely exciting. What is it and what are my thoughts, he wants to know?

Will is 74 years old and he’s started posing as a 20-something lesbian in an online golf game he’s been playing. It’s just for fun, but he isn’t sure if he should tell his wife or not.

Finally, @homebodytherapy on Instagram shared a powerful post about diet culture and our body’s response to restriction. It ties so heavily to why so many of us struggle with pleasure. Let’s explore it a bit.

Patreon supporters, this week we’re talking about sex abuse inside of marriage and committed relationships based on a Vox piece that recently resurfaced. If you don’t yet support the show, every $1 means so much. If you support at $3 per month and above, you get access to weekly exclusive content (and there’s a huge backlog at this point!). Support at $5 per month and above and help me field listener questions. Details and bonuses are at patreon.com/sgrpodcast.

That’s it for this week’s episode. Have questions of your own you’d like featured on the show? Send me a note!

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook and Dawn is on Instagram.

About Host Dawn Serra:

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Episode Transcript

Dawn Serra: You’re listening to Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra, that’s me. This is a place where we explore sex, bodies, and relationships, from a place of curiosity and inclusion. Tying the personal to the cultural where you’re just as likely to hear tender questions about shame and the complexities of love, as you are to hear experts challenging the dominant stories around pleasure, body politics and liberation. This is about the big and the small, about sex and everything surrounding it we don’t usually name. The funny, the awkward, the imperfect happen here in service to joy, connection, healing and creating healthier relationships with ourselves and each other. So, welcome to Sex Gets Real. Don’t forget to hit subscribe.

Hey, you! It is time for another episode of Sex Gets Real! I am super excited to be here with you this week. Next week, great news! Sinclair Sexsmith (aka Sugarbutch) and their partner, Rife, are going to be here talking all about dominance and submission but this week, it’s you and your questions. Now, before I dive into your emails, I just wanted to get a quick moment to talk about “Pride.”

Dawn Serra: I’m having all the feels this week because it is Gay Pride in Washington D.C., my old stomping ground that I’ve been seeing all kinds of plans and pictures from my friends for attending the parade and doing all of their fun parties. I feel sad that I’m missing it. I’m also grateful that I’m in this very cool Vancouver weather, not the hot, humid summer of the mid-Atlantic but I hope everyone out that way and everywhere else who have Pride going on this weekend and also, this whole month – which is Pride month – have a phenomenal, safe time.

We need to talk for just a minute about this thing going around called straight pride. Now, there are some people – straight folks – who are trying to organize a straight pride in Boston. I think it’s spread to a few other places. Straight pride. White supremacy. Men’s rights activists. It’s all the same shit, just a different name. Essentially, it’s folks who have long had systemic and institutional privilege and access, feeling terrified of losing some of their power and feeling left out because, often, the dominant culture lacks the community that a lot of less dominant groups do. That’s because many of the less dominant groups need community in order to actually survive, I might add. So, folks who where in this more privileged, empowered groups in our society decide to take up even more space because they can’t tolerate the discomfort of not having it be all about them.

Dawn Serra: And, here’s the thing, white folks have to stop trying to make everything about them and for them. Men have to stop trying to make everything about them and for them on their terms. Cis folks – we need to stop trying to make everything about us and for us. It doesn’t need to make sense to us. We don’t need to be centered. The same with straight folks. Straight folks need to stop trying to make everything about them and for them. You’ll notice a theme emerging in this. It can be so uncomfortable to realize that you aren’t included or that something isn’t for you, but discomfort isn’t pain or harm or violence. It’s just uncomfortable. This is true in our intimate relationships, too. Many of us go to great lengths to avoid feeling discomfort or uncertainty or awkwardness. But, all of those things are a part of being human. Discomfort, uncertainty, awkwardness – that’s part of being in a relationship with other human beings.

Straight pride and the concept of it is, frankly, to me, incredibly offensive. It’s no different than white supremacist rallies. Privileged folks with the greatest amount of access feeling left out of something that was literally created to help those being oppressed by those people, even survive is just ugh.

Dawn Serra: Now, I also know that there’s been a lot of criticism for a lot of the pride events that are happening these days. I really, really agree with that criticism. Pride has become less and less about radical resistance, about politicizing the very systems and institutions that are causing the systemic violence. It’s been less and less about police brutality and social justice and more and more about big corporate dollars and mass appeal. But, pride is still really important, even as it loses some of it’s radical impact.

I just saw a statistic this week because another young, black trans woman has been murdered. The life expectancy of a black trans woman is 35 years. I wonder, how many of you who are listening are over 35 – that’s me – or nearing 35? Think about that. The average life expectancy of a black trans woman is 35 and that’s because of violence. That’s because of a lack of support, a lack of access, a lack of being believed.

Dawn Serra: Straight folks don’t need a pride. What they need is to be working to dismantle the very systems that gave them all of that unearned privilege and access in the first place. That’s what straight folks need.

If you didn’t see it, I’ve shared a really funny video on the Sex Gets Real Facebook page – it’s SGR Podcast, facebook.com/SGRPodcast – a couple of days ago and it’s wonderful. It’s a woman who created a video all about straight pride. If you haven’t checked it out, please do. She will definitely make you laugh.

Dawn Serra: I just wanted to mention this because it’s been a really hot topic and a lot of comment threads and a lot of places on social media that I‘ve been this week. Straight pride is not a necessity. What is a necessity is straight folks using their power and their privilege to dismantle the systems that give them that power and privilege. You can’t call yourself an ally. Allyship is really about action and not performance. It’s about the people who need the support labelling you an ally based on your behaviors and actions.

Let’s, all of us, no matter what intersections we operate at, use the privilege and the access  and the power that we do have to start shifting things. Even if that means we lose some access ourselves or things feel a little uncomfortable, that’s the only way that we really move the needle so that we can all have more free sex lives and more free access to services and medicines and community and more freedom with our body and all of the love that so much of us so desperately want. It’s not via straight folks or white folks or cis folks or able-bodied folks needing to have some type of pride parade.

Dawn Serra: Okay. I’m going to step off my soapbox and turn towards your awesome emails. If you have a question or a problem that you’d like me to field on the show, you can email me at info@dawnserra.com or you can anonymously message me using the contact form at dawnserra.com. First up, Rick wrote in and shared:

“Hello. I love your podcast. The idea that our experience of pleasure and the stories around pleasure is directly related to the amount of total freedom in society a person experiences was mind blowing. I would like to share a story I had around pleasure. I’m a mid 30’s male and I am married to a woman whom I love and adore. We have been together for 10 years. For the longest time we didn’t have sex or we had sex very rarely and it was awkward. We tried several times to have conversations about it. My wife said she didn’t enjoy foreplay and didn’t see the value in making a whole big production centering around her orgasm. I did enjoy foreplay and my whole entire life what I learned from Cosmo and the movies and from what other women have told me about their sexual experiences is to not be the guy who rushes things sexually, to not be the guy who’s in it for his own pleasure. Fast forward. After many conversations, I learned after actually listening instead of super imposing my own story that she derived immense pleasure out of ‘being used.’  I also learned that sex for her – or at least foreplay – was an all day long thing that looked more like fondling here and there, flashing me while doing household chores, a sexy text. Foreplay for her wasn’t just reciprocating parts and mouths for 20 minutes. All of this was mind blowing and I was very excited to uncover this part of her that I buried! The irony! We now have sex almost everyday and are exploring dominant and submissive dynamics. We’re at a point where we both feel sexually actualized and it feels great. Anyway, thank you.”

Dawn Serra: Rick! That’s amazing! I love that you were able to hear her and now you’re having all of this amazing sex and connection. I mean, it’s such a tricky thing, isn’t it? So much of the information we read in magazines or see in movies has some truth to it. But, that truth is really about averages and what’s culturally prescribed as normal, not what’s specific to an individual or the people that we might be engaging with.

Yes, slowing down is great because it takes many folks who have a vulva 15, 30, 45 minutes, in a minimum, to start getting fully aroused. And, flirting all day, sending sexy texts, being playful can be exactly the thing that gets someone the most aroused versus, as you said, hands and mouths for 20 minutes before moving on to something else. Thank you so much for sharing this. Thank you for listening and I wish you and your wife many more delicious adventures!

Dawn Serra: Next up, Confused Cookie wrote in with a subject line of “Poly and lies.” She says: “So, my bf and I have been ethically non-monogamous for 3.5 years. One year ago, my stepdad died and my boyfriend slept with a sex worker without telling me, which breaks an agreement of ours. Then, he admits that he did not use protection with one of the women he slept with. We talk it out. I forgave him and basically forgot that it happened. Now, he tells me, ‘I have something to tell you,’ and I started freaking out about what he had to say. He said that he has continuously not used protection with his sexual partners since a year ago. He promised that he would ask me first before doing that. Now, I am questioning if he is lying about other things. I truly believe he is the love of my life and in the past, they just seemed like mistakes. But, if someone consciously breaks our agreements, that’s not healthy. The first request I had of him was to get tested and I told him we‘re not going to have sex for awhile. I’m still totally in shock. What are some ways that I can handle this.“

Oh, Confused Cookie. I am so sorry. This is completely unfair and totally unacceptable. You deserve to have agreements respected and honored. If a partner wants to re-negotiate an agreement, to have them do that long before they actually take action, is what respect looks like. What I’m hearing here is a lot of betrayal and more than that, disrespect. And, while I don’t say words like these very often, I do think that behavior is what we should use when we’re evaluating a situation over someone’s words or promises and apologies.

Dawn Serra: What he says might be what he wants to be true or hopes to be true. He might even really mean it in the moment which is why it’s so convincing. But, it sounds like as soon as that moment passes and tough decisions need to be made, he’s demonstrating really different values. Based on what you shared, his behavior is one of continued and on-going betrayal and disrespect. How can you possibly consent to something if you don’t have the information you need in order to make an informed choice? His actions are taking away your autonomy and your right to choose what kind of sex you engage in.

What I’m seeing here, based on what you shared is a repetitive pattern that is really, really shitty. He’s either too cowardly to ask for what he really wants so he’s pretending that he’s okay with the agreement or he’s deeply manipulative and wants to keep you without respecting you and your needs. Regardless of what it is, you deserve better. You deserve much, much better.

Dawn Serra: I’m also worried about what he’s been communicating to the other people he’s been sleeping with. How honest has he even been with them? About you, about the agreements that you have, about his status, more? Every relationship has lots of nuance that only the people inside that relationship really know. I know the entire picture isn’t here and that all of this is up to you, Confused Cookie, to really decide what comes next.

But, I can tell you that if I was in your shoes, as devastating and utterly shattered as it would make me, I would end things with this person. With this much evidence of ongoing and consistent neglect of your agreements, it sounds like he has a lot he needs to work through and you shouldn’t have to put your life on hold waiting for him to do that. It’s not your responsibility to put in the labor of pulling him along to do the repair work either. Making him constantly have to apologize cause he’s clearly not okay with what’s happening.

Dawn Serra: I would say trust yourself. Trust the pattern of the behaviors you’re seeing, not what you want to be true or hope is true. Know that there are multiple loves of our life. In this lifetime, there are multiple loves of our life. I would also ask yourself, if your closest friend or a sibling or a cousin that you love so much wrote this email to you, what would you want to tell that person that you love about what they deserve? That’s probably the thing you should be telling yourself.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position. It is not okay for people to make agreements and then violate them especially consistently. It is not okay for people to make promises that they break the second desire pops up or the second something is inconvenient or challenging. Trust is built when we face those uncomfortable or those awkward or those disappointing moments with integrity. Not when everything is easy breezy. That’s not what this is about. This is about trust. This is about respect. This is about honoring the things that we create together and if someone can’t do that, then it’s probably not a relationship that you should continue putting time and energy and tears into. I’d say with total confidence, Confused Cookie, that you deserve better. I wish you all of the luck in the world. Again, I’m so sorry. It’s not right. It’s not fair. At this point, I think you need to do what you need to do – to take care of you.

Dawn Serra: Okay. On to the next email! Chuck wrote in with the subject line of “Sexual energy” and a message that reads: “What do you think about sexual energy? Every time I see her, I get this feeling. She’s about 10 years older than me and I’ve always appreciated older women. We aren’t going to get together because we are both in relationships. But, if we met one another earlier in life, I bet we would have. She jokes about me liking, marrying, being with her and stuff and I play it back, of course. It’s fun and we enjoy each other’s company. Our partners know we joke with each other. When I am around her, I feel a sexual energy of some kind. It’s not one that says “I’m horny” for this person. I definitely know what that is like. I find her attractive but it’s a different sexual energy of some kind. Not the typical lust. Any thoughts?”

Well, I post this question on Patreon (patreon.com/sgrpodcast) because folks who support the show on Patreon at $5 a month and above, I welcome your input on listener questions a few times per month. This was one of the questions I put over there. Autumn actually responded with: “While I don’t know a name for this energy, I can relate. I have a fun, flirtatious relationship with a coworker that feels very safe and also very freeing. Because while there is a spark of some kind, I don’t think we’d ever explore it if there was opportunity to do so. Does this energy need to be named? Can it just be enjoyed as long as nobody is being hurt, of course?”

Dawn Serra: If you want to support the show and help me field questions the way that Autumn did, you can go to patreon.com/sgrpodcast. Thank you so much, Autumn, for supporting the show and for sharing your thoughts. I totally agree with that question – “Does this energy need to be named?”

What if something feels good and we just let it feel good? I think there are so many rich, nuanced experiences that are just going to completely defy language and convention and that doesn’t make it any less delicious or interesting. I do think that sexual energy and sexual feelings exist on a spectrum. Just like romantic energy and romantic feelings. We can feel all sorts of combinations of intensity anywhere along the spectrum. We can move up and down the spectrum, too.

Dawn Serra: We might start off with a mild attraction to someone and over time, find that that attraction grows and grows as we move further along the spectrum of attraction. We can start off intensely, energetically turned on by someone and then find that it fades over time. I don’t know that there’s a specific name for this other than you[‘re experiencing some type of sexual energy that feels really good. It’s maybe not as lustful as other types of sexual energy you’ve had. But, I say savor it and delight in it. Enjoy it and just let it be what it is as long as it’s not violating any agreements you have with the partner and it feels good. Enjoy all those deliciousness, Chuck and thank you so much for listening!

Dawn Serra: Relief– Oh no, wait. Relieved sent a quick little note that just reads: “I’ve got a thing for pantyhose, stockings, knee highs, garters etcetera.  Thank you so much for sharing about the fetish on the recent show. It makes me glad to get this out, too and embrace it. Love you, Dawn!”

Yay for relief around our fetishes and fantasies. Thank you for listening, Relieved! I’m so glad you can embrace that delicious stuff that turns you on.

Dawn Serra: This next email is from Will who says, “I’m a 74 year old male. Married. Four adult kids. I love your show. It’s opened me to so much that I haven’t been aware of. My wife and I have rare sex. Sex has caused her pain. I have ED and often fail to ejaculate. I started playing an online golf game. I play real golf, so it was a distraction…” No, wait. It was a diversion. So, it was a diversion. “Then, I discovered a world of virtual sex there. I pose as a female in her 20s who is a lesbian and sexually active. During the game, we can chat and describe what we do to the other. I play it for hours – both getting better at the golf game and the sex text. My wife is amazed at how much time I spend with a juvenile golf game. I don’t mastubate while playing. I simply enjoy the sexual fantasies. I found your podcast when I was searching for information on lesbians. I imagine a lot of the girls on the game are guys also.

So, my question is should I let my wife know what I’m doing? I really see nothing wrong with it but I’m concerned she will. What’s your opinion? Am I misleading her if I don’t tell her? If I do tell her, how might I approach it?”

Dawn Serra: Hi, Will! Thank you so much for listening to the show and for writing in.  I thought about this question for a long time. I talked it over with a colleague to pick through some of my thoughts. They’re unfinished but here’s what struck me as I considered this.

Are you keeping this from your wife because you’re afraid she’d disapprove or because you don’t think she’d mind and you just like having this for yourself? My guess, from the tone of your email but I could be wrong, is that it’s more about being worried she wouldn’t understand or approve or that she’d feel hurt. I think that it’s important for us to hold that as we navigate this terrain. When we hide things from people we love because we’re afraid of hurting them, we often end up hurting them more deeply in the long run. The people we love aren’t dumb. Most people know when something is being withheld from them. We might not know what it is or have the words for it but, often, there’s just this subtle little sick feeling in your gut or these little invasive thoughts that pop up. When they’re really subtle, a lot of people don’t speak up about it because they’re afraid that they’re making it up and that can contribute to stress and this low-level vigilance. I do want to just mention that lying by omission is still lying.

Dawn Serra: That said, we are all entitled to having our own private sexual fantasies and a sexual relationship with ourselves. Our bodies are built for pleasure and there’s nothing wrong with savoring our bodies with masturbation, with nurturing our fantasies. In fact, it’s a healthy, normal way of staying in touch with our sexual selves which are so much bigger and more expansive than singular relationships that we’re in.

Based on what you’ve shared, I see this situation as rather different than say, the situation at the top of the shown with Confused Cookie. You, Will, aren’t seeking specific people out for a relationship. You’re not posing as yourself in the hopes that someone’s going to fall into lust or love with you. You’re posing as a 20-something year old lesbian, which I see is similar to playing any other roleplay game like “Second Life.” You know, where we get to actually move into alternate realities and just try on different types of people and living life in this made up space.

Dawn Serra: It doesn’t seem you’ve turned this role playing into a substitute for reality because you’re able to name that it’s probably a pretty high likelihood a lot of the other women that you interact with are probably men posing as women themselves. It doesn’t seem that it distresses or bothers you which, to me, also indicates that this is really just about fun and fantasy rather than rejecting or denying or running away from your relationship with your wife where you’re hoping this will become something more than it is.

I, as I was talking it through, likened it to writing erotica in an online erotica forum except instead of delayed comments and feedback on the story, you’re getting real time feedback and the fantasy builds through this collaboration in the chat in the game.

Dawn Serra: Each of us gets to co-create and co-define the nature of the relationships we’re in. Some monogamous couples feel deeply monogamous and feel that flirting with others, going to strip clubs, fantasizing about others is all within the bounds of monogamy for them. Other monogamous couples would see those things as a betrayal and would feel really hurt. Without talking to your wife, we can’t know how she actually feels about this situation because you haven’t given her the chance to explore it or to feel into it.

As you spend more time in the golf game, another thing that I’m curious about is how are you managing balance? How is this integrating into your life? Like any hobby? Whether it’s bird watching or filmmaking or porn or pretending to be a 20-something lesbian in a golf game, are you still showing up for your wife in ways that contribute to connection for the two of you? Are you still meeting her needs and engaging with your relationship the way you did before the game? Are you showing up in your life and using the game as entertainment, as a way to explore sexual fantasy when you have time? Or, is the game taking over? Are you neglecting your wife, your relationship, your responsibilities? Are you using it as a way to numb out or escape?

Dawn Serra: In the end, I think that transparency is really crucial to strengthening and deepening the bond that we have with the people in our lives. The more transparency, the more vulnerable we are, the more connection and trust and joy we often find. We also need to balance that with the fact that we are allowed to have our own experiences separate from the relationships we’re in. Things that help to resource us and nourish us and rejuvenate us so that we can show up better for the people in our lives. We need to find ways to do that within the agreements that we have with each other. If those agreements are unclear, getting clarity on the agreements is much more generous than making assumptions about it and then, finding out afterwards we’ve hurt someone we love.

We’re in this process. I’m curious, might there be space for bringing your wife into the conversation? If the game starts to take over, how can you recalibrate so that you find some balance? Is the game a substitute for things you’re afraid to bring up with your wife? Or, is it simply a delicious experience that you’re savoring from a very mindful place?

Dawn Serra: I keep coming back to thinking about healthy porn versus a more constricted or a compulsive porn relationship. There are healthy ways to use porn in relationships – both with a partner and without. We’re allowed to masturbate without having to tell our partner everytime we do it. We also don’t need to share all of our fantasies. We get to keep some things for ourselves. These relationships we have with ourselves and our bodies are really ours to nurture for our entire lives.

While that’s true, there’s an awful lot of toxic bullshit in the world that can taint that. I think that it’s important to continually ask ourselves if we’re not sharing something because we’re ashamed or maybe, we’re not trying something because we’re trying to control someone else’s reaction or because it’s covering up a deeper need. If we are, then, I think, that’s when we really need to start finding ways to connect and heal and open up in the constricted places.

Dawn Serra: One of the things, I’d like to ask is, would my partner feel betrayed or hurt if they found this out? If so, it’s probably something that’s important to discuss if you want to maintain trust. Am I not telling them to try and control the situation? If so, it’s probably something that’s important to discuss.

Or, am I keeping this to myself because it genuinely feels like something I want just for me? If a partner found out, it wouldn’t bother me a lot. It wouldn’t really cause damage to the relationship. They might be surprised. They might be a little disappointed or confused. But, we could talk through that and it would still be something that I felt good about..

Dawn Serra: I guess, in the end, Will, only you can answer a lot of these questions. If you want to share it with your wife, I do think it’s important to allow her the space to have her feelings. To move through any disgust or betrayal or shock or disappointment that she might have. It might feel like a surprise. It might feel like a betrayal.  Although, we can hope that she would be super supportive and not really mind at all. We hope that people in our lives want to help us celebrate our pleasure and all of us, having this connections with our fantasies and our sexual selves. Even if, maybe, physical intercourse isn’t something we’re engaging in.

You are doing something that feels good for you. It sounds like it feels really expressive. It also doesn’t sound like this is attempted replacement for your wife, for your marriage. I think as long as it’s not potentially going to change your wife’s life or impact your health, this is something you can feel into as you’re ready.

Dawn Serra: But, I do think that if you were able to be open about this and if she was able to see it for what it is – as a way to explore sexual fantasy and sexual expression – it could bring you two even closer. It might offer some new life or some new spark. You don’t know until you try. I want to wish you the best, Will and thank you so much for writing in.

There’s one last thing I just want to share and riff off of a little bit. There was a post on Instagram by @homebodytherapy. If you go at instagram.com/homebodytherapy. The image reads “Chronic dieting is stored as trauma in the body.” I just want to read their post and then talk about it just a little bit.

Dawn Serra: Their post says, “In the anti-diet sphere we often talk about the famine reaction to intentional weight loss, in which the body’s internal mechanisms kick in to fight against this perceived threat to its survival. These include a slowed metabolism, increased appetite to drive us to seek out food elsewhere and feeling lethargic in order to help conserve precious energy.

This is because the body doesn’t know the difference between you just trying to lose a few pounds and actual famine. It just knows it’s receiving less energy and nourishment and this could be a threat to its very existence.

Dawn Serra: Repeatedly putting the body through this process of fending for its life is traumatic. Therefore, any experience or stimulus that evokes the memory of dieting, such as diet talk or seemingly small changes to one’s eating in the name of wellness, amongst others, can trigger a stress response. This is often what looks like what we call a binge.

A trauma-informed perspective is critical to healing the relationship to food and body. Understanding bingeing as compensation for restriction invites compassion rather than shame to this process.

Dawn Serra: To anyone struggling with disordered eating, including a history of chronic dieting: ideally your therapist, dietitian, psychiatrist – whoever comprises your treatment team – will be trauma and HAES-informed (HAES stands for Health at Every Size) in order to fully support your healing. If your eating disorder’s professional is supporting or allowing your attempt at weight loss, they are complicit in perpetuating your body trauma.”

One of the reasons that I wanted to share this is because what so few of us understand is that the ways that we’re indoctrinated into diet culture, which means indoctrinated into cycles of restriction, of disconnecting from and denying our bodies’ hunger, into shaming ourselves for our want and also, for the ways our bodies change after diets, all of those have a significant impact on pleasure. On our ability to hear the things that we want, to know the things that we want. To be able to articulate and trust the things that we want. To feel into the amazing wisdom of our bodies.

Dawn Serra: When we are heavily involved in diet culture and almost all of us are because we are so desperately fatphobic in this culture. We are taught to look outside of ourselves for the truth. That someone outside of ourselves has the answers. We cut ourselves off from the cues of our body. When we cut ourselves off – just like with our feelings – when cut ourselves off from feeling the things that are hard, we also cut ourselves off from feeling into the depths of the amazing, delicious, good things.

When we cut ourselves off from grief and sadness, we also cut ourselves off from joy and pleasure. When we cut ourselves off from our body, denying our hunger, ignoring our hunger cues, our cravings, the things that we want,  we’re also training ourselves to ignore and deny and to be confused by all of the things that would bring us pleasure. That’s something that was so revealed through the Power in Pleasure Course that I just ran with the April cohort.

Dawn Serra: I just wanted to mention that so many of the people that come to me in my coaching practice, that attend the summit, who listen to this show have really complicated relationships with libido, desire. Being able to speak out loud the things that they want. Being able to say “This would feel so much better if we did this other thing.” or “I really don’t want to do that anymore.” It’s often deeply tied to the fact that we don’t know how to advocate for ourselves in those ways, also, around food which is directly tied to our survival.

I love that @homebodytherapy is mentioning how there is a trauma response that happens in our body to dieting. Because our body truly doesn’t know if it’s dying or not. Our mind knows we’re trying to change the shape of our body but all our body knows is “I’m not getting what I need in order to thrive.” That impacts how we do sex. That impacts how we’re able to sharpen relationships. That impacts our intimate knowing of pleasure and sensuality and enjoyment. It’s all tied together. It’s no wonder that it’s so messy and confusing for so many of us.

Dawn Serra: I would highly check out that post if you’re curious. Again, that’s on Instagram, @homebodytherapy (instagram.com/homebodytherapy), all one word. If that is something you’re trying to unpack for yourself then, you can either reach out to me for one-on-one coaching or I am now enrolling for the July cohort for Power in Pleasure – my online course that runs for five weeks. All about reconnecting with your body, your hungers, your desire. I’m shifting the dialogue and the story you have about pleasure. I would love to see you there. If you want to join me, you can check all of the details. There’s tiered pricing depending on your financial needs at dawnserra.com/pleasurecourse. All one word – Pleasure Course. I would love to see you there. I already got a handful of people lined up. I have a feeling it might sell out so if you’re interested, jump on it now. We start July 22nd and it’s going to be a delicious exploration of these various spaces around body, diet, hungers, hearing ourselves, trusting ourselves and all these stories we inherited that just made it so fucking messy and complicated and hard to tease out.

I also just want to mention, if you support the show on Patreon, this week’s bonus, I’m exploring and talking about an article that I read a while back but it just came back up in my feed a couple of days ago. It’s about sexual assault inside of marriage and having a partner that expects sex and how that’s actually sexual assault, in many cases, rape. We’re just going to explore that article a little bit and the nuance inside of some of that.

Dawn Serra: I would love your support in keeping the show going. If you haven’t already supported the show on Patreon, you can head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast, for Sex Gets Real. At $3 per month and above, you get exclusive bonus content each week and if you support at $5 per month and above, you can help me field a couple of listener questions per month! Every single dollar means so much. If you already support the show, thank you, thank you, thank you. You can head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast.to hear the bonus for the week. If there’s something you would love to hear me do in bonus content, like last week, I watched some porn and actually narrated it in real time, let me know!  Go to dawnserra.com and fill out the contact form or comment on a post in Patreon.

That’s it for this week’s episode. Until next week, I am Dawn Serra and I will talk to you soon. Bye!

Dawn Serra: A huge thanks to The Vocal Few, the married duo behind the music featured in this week’s intro and outro. Find them at vocalfew.com. Head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast to support the show and get awesome weekly bonuses.

As you look towards the next week, I wonder what will you do differently that rewrites an old story, revitalizes a stuck relationship or helps you to connect more deeply with your pleasure?