Support the show on Patreon!

Also, if you’re looking for a unique holiday gift, check out all of my online workshops and DIY goodies. They can make amazing gifts and they’re all around $5-30 each. Pop over and see what’s available now.

And away we go…

Brandon wrote in because he used to find it super hot to spy on girls, like the scene in the movies Porky’s. But now, as a father and adult, he finds it creepy and repulsive. What gives?

Kev is lost and needs guidance and acceptance. He thought he was straight, but just started having sex with men and now he can’t get enough. He wants to end up with a wife and kids, but he isn’t sure if he’s gay or bisexual. Is there a way to find a queer woman he can test things out with?

I have lots of feelings about the homophobia in this message, and I also have thoughts about the need to find a label and to cling to certain identities, even in the face of other information and experiences.

A young queer woman wrote in asking how she can find information about safer sex for queer teens in Dallas Texas. What does safer sex look like? Who can she trust?

I recommend checking out Scarleteen, first and foremost. Also, Planned Parenthood is a go-to resource, especially for sex positive care and sex ed info for teens. Once she’s over 18, there’s also the SW Sexual Health Alliance and a sex positive shop in Austin called QToys. And of course, Allison Moon’s “Girl Sex 101” is a book everyone should have on their shelves.

Dan wants to know where to find sex positive therapists. I recommend starting with the Open List by Tristan Taormino and also AASECT.

Jack wrote in with lots of love. THANK YOU JACK! Also, how can Jack up their sexting game? They aren’t very good at it. Check out my free Sexting Made Easy handout to get you started.

Three cheers for uberlube. Random unless you listen!

A 23-year-old wrote in. He just had sex for the second time but he couldn’t cum. Is he just too used to his masturbation technique? Is something wrong? Let’s talk about orgasms and goals and the pressure we put on ourselves during sex.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It’s true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

About Dawn Serra

I am the creator and host of the laughter-filled, no-holds-barred weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real. I lecture at colleges and universities on sex and relationships, too.

When I’m not speaking and teaching, I also work one-on-one with clients who need to get unstuck around their pleasure and desire.

But it’s not all work! In my downtime, I can often be found watching an episode of Masterchef Australia, cooking up something delicious, or adventuring with my sexy AF husband.

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Episode Transcript

Dawn Serra: You’re listening to (You’re listening) (You’re listening) You’re listening to Sex Gets Real (Sex Get Real) (Sex Gets Real) Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra (with Dawn Serra). Thanks, bye!

Hey, you! Welcome to this week’s episode of Sex Gets Real. You all have been writing me with so many emails and questions. So just in the spirit of this being towards the end of the year and people being very busy – in fact, I am getting ready to go away for a long, romantic relaxing weekend to Vancouver Island – this is going to be you and me again and more of your questions. I have some amazing interviews lined up for 2018 that I cannot wait. We will also be celebrating some huge milestones for the show. So thank you, thank you, thank you for listening and for supporting. Thank you to all of you who are supporting on Patreon. If you want to support the show, you can head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast. You can support as little as $1 all the way up through $5 and $10 a month. People at the $10 a month option not only so help the show, but also get a chance to weigh in on listener questions. 

Dawn Serra: Let’s dive into all of the deliciousness we’re going to roll around in today. Brandon wrote in with a subject line of, “Something sexy is now gross and creepy.” “Dawn, love your show. I enjoy listening to your show with my wife. Recently on cable, I came across an old film called ‘Porky’s.’ When I was a teenager – I’m 39 now – the scene when some of the male leads peep on girls in the locker room shower was sexy and titillating to me. But when I watched it a week ago, I found the scene to be creepy. Maybe it’s because I have a teenage daughter now and if I found out some horny boys were peeping on her and her friends in the gym shower, I’d lose my shit. The scene turned me on when I was younger. But now it’s sort of repulsive. There’s nothing about that that turns me on at all. Why the change? Best. Brandon.” 

Well, I think you already answered your question, Brandon. The things that turn us on change and evolve just like we do. We have so many life experiences and things that happened to us over the years as we fall in love, as we experience different kinds of pleasure, as we meet new people, as we move new places. All of these things influence our erotic landscape, the things that we find arousing and titillating and hot. 

Dawn Serra: When we’re younger, we have so little experience and a much different kind of access to sexual information and bodies and pleasure. There were so many movies that I found romantic and sexy when I was younger. But now when I watch them as an adult, it feels completely different to me. I see how they were actually really creepy or manipulative or problematic or those things just plain don’t interest me anymore because I have a whole new interests and all kinds of new permission. 

Of course, our tastes are going to change because we’re super complex. We have all kinds of experiences as we age. I’m sure the things that you find arousing now could potentially be different when you’re 59 or 79. Because for those of us who are sexual beings and experience sexuality as something that’s pleasurable and that we engage in, it is constantly changing. We are certainly not static in what we find hot. I think that’s a reason to celebrate. Of course, we want to change and grow as we learn more things and try on new experiments and experiences. I would celebrate the fact that this thing that you used to find hot – that was actually pretty problematic – is now something that you find repulsive because that shows that you’ve grown and questioned yourself and had new experiences and more context for things that you find arousing. So have fun with that. It happens to all of us. Thanks for listening to the show, Brandon. 

Dawn Serra: I also just want to mention, if this is something that’s interesting to you, I am going to be doing weekly live streams every Wednesday evening starting in January with O.school. You can go to O.school. It’s free and it’s live, where I’m going to be picking apart all kinds of movies and television shows and talking about the things we used to find hot or that we still find hot and how it then formed our relationships. If you want to be able to interact with me on my live streams and geek out with me about television shows and movies, then be sure to check out O.school because I am one of their pleasure professionals providing entertainment and sex education all at the same time. 

Someone wrote in that says, “Please keep me anonymous. I just wanted to give you a shout out. I adore your podcast. I’m binge listening and I’m currently on episode 117. I have a two-hour car ride to work, so I get four hours a day of listening to Sex Gets Real. I’ve had an extremely rough, unconventional life. Your podcast has been a lifesaver for me. It’s helped me keep my calm amongst the storm of this past year between a divorce, moving back home with my parents and a very interesting dating scene. It’s been memorable. I literally am reevaluating my life and rebuilding every aspect of it. I just wanted to say thanks for all you do. Keep up the amazing work. Lots of love.” Thank you so much Anonymous for writing and for listening. And holy crap! Four hours a day of Sex Gets Real. I can barely tolerate myself for that long. So thank you for listening and for being a fan of the show. I so appreciate it. 

Dawn Serra: Kev wrote in with a subject line of “Lost, guidance, acceptance.” “Please keep in mind that I’m not good at writing and English is not my first language. Hi, Dawn. First of all, I want to say congratulations on the wonderful job that you do and also, for being an incredible person. Your podcast is amazing. I think it really helps people that want to explore or dealing with hard situations. Please keep going. Now, a little about me. At this point, I consider myself a masculine, cis, bisexual top – no pegging for me, sorry – male living a double life because I’m discreet. Until a year and a half ago, I thought I was straight and curious. I used to date girls and have friends with benefits kind of relationships. I’m not a fan of being fully committed to someone. Sex was really good. Hot. And I’ve always been open-minded and interested in everything about sexuality because I like to learn in order to try new things and to be a good partner to my partners. 

So even though I like girls, I was curious about doing things with guys. I used to jerk off on Skype with other guys from time to time and also watch gay porn, but I never thought about having any real sexual interaction with a guy because I didn’t want anybody to know about it. And I still don’t. Also, I was scared. But that changed after my ex-girlfriend and I broke up. I decided it was time to try the male on male thing. And guess what? I fucking love it. 

Dawn Serra: A few weeks after the breakup, I was relocated to another city for work, a place where nobody knew me. I had to take advantage of that. So I went for my first gay experience. My first encounters were just okay, but once I figured out the things that I like, my encounters got better and better. Right now, I have an addiction to Grindr. I have the app open pretty much all of the time in order to find new people to hook up with. It’s important to mention that I don’t see myself romantically involved with a guy. Not at all. I just like having sex with them. 

On the other hand, I do see myself with a girl. I would like to have a “straight life.” I want to have a wife and kids. But here’s the thing. When I’m having sex with girls, I struggle to have an erection. At the beginning, I thought it was because I was with girls that weren’t the kind of girls that I really feel attracted to. But after having the choice of being with one and also struggle, I started thinking I might be gay. I know there could be a lot of factors for me not being able to perform the right way. One of the most significant being me not being totally honest about my sexual orientation. Don’t get me wrong. being gay is not bad, but for me being bisexual seems better. 

Dawn Serra: Here’s my situation. I want to find a queer girl. I know that there’s plenty. I just don’t know where to find them, so that I can be 100% honest and tell her what I like and figure out if I’m really gay or bisexual. If I realize that I’m gay, I would accept it. Let my family know and I guess, make some changes to my current lifestyle. In case I continue on the bisexual spectrum, I would like to pursue the straight life I mentioned before. All that being said, the bottom line is, I’m not really sure about my sexual orientation. So I’d like to know what you think about my situation and what you would recommend that I do.”

Well, Kev, thank you for writing. It sounds like you’ve been on quite the adventure. The first thing I want to say is, I want to commend you for deciding that you want to try something new and trying it. Not only trying it once, but trying it multiple times to find what worked for you. I think a lot of people, especially when they’re scared or nervous to try something, only give it one shot and it’s a make or break, which is a lot of pressure to put on any given situation. So the fact that you said your first encounters were just okay, but you gave yourself an opportunity to figure things out, and then it got better and better, is a wonderful quality to have. A lot of us could learn from that.

Dawn Serra: What I will say though is I’m hearing an awful lot of homophobia in your message. There’s a lot that I think you still need to confront about what it means to be gay or bisexual. Certainly, you don’t have to decide and label your sexual orientation right now. It’s not like there’s a time limit or a goal. It’s not like you have to have some label that fits just right. It can be helpful for people who want to find community and support to have that label. But it’s certainly not required. You can call yourself queer or bisexual or pansexual or whatever you feel is your identity. You don’t have to try things with different people in order to prove to yourself that you’re one or the other. And that’s also not very fair to other people, unless you let them know going in, “I just want to have sex with you is an experiment to see if this something that I might like,” then, it’s not a very ethical exchange. I also think that it’s not very fair to want to find a queer girl that you can just use as a way to try and prove just how gay or bi you are. I would instead of focusing on other people and their gender, just focus on you and what makes you happy. 

Our identities are a lot more fluid than we like to admit. Certainly, our culture doesn’t give us that information. Just because you’ve had sex and relationships with women in the past and now, you’re feeling super into having hookups and sex with guys, doesn’t mean that you have to label yourself as gay or that you have to label yourself as bisexual. You can just explore these things and try them on. And if you meet a guy who seems like a really good fit, give yourself the opportunity to actually explore that. But maybe at some point, you do meet a queer woman or queer trans person or a non-binary person that’s interested in having a variety of experiences with you. 

Dawn Serra: I think it’s less important to have the label and more important that you’re just really, really honest with yourself and with the people that you’re having sex with and entering into relationships with about what you want, what your fears are, what you’d like to experience at some point. I also think it’s nice for us to know we would like to settle down, at some point– I hate that phrase, but it’s the first thing that came up. If it’s important to you to have a family at some point, just know that there’s so many different ways to have that these days. You can co-parent with someone that you don’t have a relationship with that’s sexual. You can have kids with someone and be in an open relationship or a poly relationship. You can co-parent with another couple who already have kids and have this delicious triad going. I mean, there’s so many options available to us. You get to create that and decide for yourself what kind of a life you want to lead. 

So much of what I’m hearing in your email, is you being really rigid with the things that you’re trying to define and nail down. Why is it so important for you to have a “straight life“ with a wife and kids? Is that even for you? Or, is that a performance because you feel like your family expects that of you? If it really is for you, then ask yourself, does the gender of the person you end up with even matter? Maybe it does and that’s okay. But it sounds like there’s some rules and some boxes that you’re trying to force yourself into without really understanding why or where it’s coming from. 

Dawn Serra: Also, maybe giving yourself a chance to not have to figure it out right now. Maybe what feels good right now is just having these random hookup and having these experiences. You don’t have to label yourself one thing or the other. Also, if you do decide that you’re gay, you can totally have a different identity later on down the road. It doesn’t invalidate the gayness. You can decide that you’re bisexual, but that, right now, you just really want to fuck a lot of guys. That’s okay, too.

I would let go of the need to try and define these things and also, to force yourself into some kind of predefined box and label with expectations. Because that’s just going to set you up for failure and also potentially hurt people that come into your life. So just accept where you are and let that be where you are. Then, as you have more experiences and you meet more people, perhaps that story will change. But I would definitely confront some of the homophobia that I’m hearing in so much of your email. You get to make choices for you. But the important thing is that you’re able to communicate it clearly with the people in your life, so that they can decide whether or not they want to opt in or opt out to that particular exchange or that particular relationship, so that it’s fair for everyone. Thank you for writing in. Allow yourself to be exactly where you are right now and have fun. 

Dawn Serra: Let’s pause for a super quick and fun – of course! – commercial break. Looking for a delicious snack to keep in your bag for post hookup nibbles or pre-date satisfaction? RXBAR is generously sponsoring this episode. Their bars are these super tasty, little bars that print the ingredients right on the front of the package. You’ll see things like egg whites, almonds, cashews, dates. And they’re gluten-free, soy-free and dairy-free. They sent me a sample pack, so I could try all of the flavors. Of course, my favorites are chocolate sea salt. They have a peanut butter chocolate that’s delish. I’m taking a stash with me on my romantic weekend getaway to Vancouver Island this weekend because sometimes putting on clothes to go grab food is just too much work. I, actually, am really enjoying these tasty little bars. 

If you want to get 25% off your first order, just go to rxbar.com/sgr for Sex Gets Real and enter promo code SGR at checkout. That gives you 25% off and it lets them know that you headed there after hearing about it here on the show, which, of course, then helps support me. So check out RXBAR. They are delicious and easy and quick and sometimes you just need that little nibble before you get it on.

Looking for a really unique holiday gift? Well, if you head to dawnserra.com/courses, you can check out all of the online and DIY products and workshops that I have, between the relationship charter and the sex mapping game, to my “All About Anal Workshop” and my brand new “Hands Down Workshop,” all about porn, you can find something either to level up to reconnect or to surprise a partner or a lover with something that can help the two of you find new ways to have conversations and to get unstuck. You can also find out about my latest O.school streams. So just head to dawnserra.com/courses and keep an eye out because over the next few months, I will be adding several brand new workshops.

Dawn Serra: Ready for another listener question? This one says, “Hi, Miss Serra. I was listening to your podcast and realized how much I just don’t know about safe sex. More importantly, LGBTQ safe sex. To give you some info about me, I’m 16 and a female. Pronouns she, her. I’m bisexual and I live in a small town near Dallas, Texas. My parents are generally accepting. My uncle is gay and he’s like a father to me. They are aware of my sexual orientation. But I also feel like I can’t ask them about certain things like toys or how to approach different types of relationships. Also, I have no clue which professionals would be experienced in helping someone like me figure out things like how to tell what is safe or legal in the LGBT community? What I should be wary of? 

I don’t plan on having sex anytime in the near future. I don’t even know what the heck I’m really even into. But I recently went on a date with a girl and I want to at least know that there’s some professional near me that I could contact and feel like they wouldn’t be judging me. Can you recommend anyone in my area? Also, I should be going to a GYN soon and it’s my first time. If there’s anything specific I should know, let me know. Thank you so much for reading this. I’m sorry it was so long.” 

Dawn Serra: Okay. I am so glad you wrote in and you’re asking such wonderful questions. Thank you for sharing with me your pronouns and for telling me where you live. That’s super helpful. For people– I mean, any person of any age, I think should know about scarleteen.com. It’s specifically for younger folks who are trying to learn about safe sex, who are trying to explore their queerness, who want to ask questions exactly like you just asked me. There’s some amazing forums. I highly recommend going there because there are thousands and thousands of questions, just like yours, that are on Scarleteen and have been answered by really fantastic sex educators and people who specialize in working with teens and young folks. I will have a link to that in the show notes. 

Also, it might be worth noting that there is a group called the Southwest Sexual Health Alliance. They offer classes in the Dallas area. Now, I’m fairly certain you have to be 18 or older to attend the classes. But just knowing about the Southwest Sexual Health Alliance – I will have a link in the show notes as well – might be a really good place to turn to if you have questions or you need advice. Because people there are certainly going to be sex positive and are going to have access to all kinds of educators and information. 

Dawn Serra: There’s also a sex shop in Austin. Now, I know that’s a little bit far from Dallas, but it’s a sex positive shop and it’s the only one that I could find in Texas called Q Toys. Again, I’ll have a link for that, too – Q Toys Austin. They have events and all kinds of toys and brands and safer sex tools. You probably have to be 18 to access that as well, but just file it away for down the road. 

In the meantime, I know it’s Texas. Sometimes access to sex positive information and centers in Texas can be tough. There is a Planned Parenthood of Greater Texas that’s based in the Fort Worth and Dallas areas. There’s also one down in Austin, I think. They have all kinds of health education, specifically for teens and also for parents, if any parents are listening. They can give you medically accurate information. They can help you find the safer sex tools that might be helpful for you, whether that’s gloves and dental dams or condoms and also how to use them. 

I would also highly recommend checking out Allison Moon’s book, “Girl Sex 101.” That will give you all of the basics that you need to know about how to navigate sex, how to have safer sex, how to use all the tools, how to masturbate, how to talk about it all, how to navigate potentially open relationships. It’s such an amazing resource and it’s got these fun cartoons and pictures throughout. It’s one of my favorite books to recommend.

Dawn Serra: So check out Planned Parenthood. Check out Scarleteen. Grab Allison Moon’s book if you can or see if your local library carries it. And then, once you turn 18, you can definitely attend workshops at the Sexual Health Alliance and at Q Toys. But I think those resources should get you started. I love that you’re thinking about this well before you actually need it. It means you’ll have a chance to practice and ask huge questions. 

Also, when it comes time for you to talk with a doctor about your sexuality and your sexual health, just make sure that you’re really open about what you’re interested in, what you have and haven’t done and ask about any recommendations that they might have for you. Now, some GYNs aren’t sex positive. So I would recommend going to Planned Parenthood, if you want to have someone who’s super up-to-date on all the latest information in talking about risks and pleasure when it comes to queer sex. Have fun exploring and thank you so much for writing in and for listening. I hope that the adventures that are awaiting you are fun and feel safe and pleasurable and open. Definitely check out all the resources in your area.

Dawn Serra: Dan wrote in with a super simple, straightforward question that says, “Therapy.” “Dawn, love your show. What is that list of sex positive therapists you’re always telling people to check out? I can’t think of it for the life of me.” 

There’s a number of places that you can turn to if you’re looking for a sex positive therapists. It’s so important to make sure that any therapist you’re working with, if it’s around sexuality, is specifically sex positive. Tristan Taormino has a website called openingup.net. On that website, you can find the open list. This is a list of all kinds of professionals from psychiatrists and therapists to counselors and coaches and educators who are specifically interested and willing to work with people who are either polyamorous or open, kinky or are at some other intersection of sexuality that most people maybe wouldn’t know about. So people who are kinky or swingers or queer or some other kind of sexual minority. These are professionals who have specifically opted in to this list because they want to serve these communities. 

Dawn Serra: Another place that you can go is aasect.org. That’s two A’s. It’s A-A-S-E-C-T dot org. Now, I’m going to put a little caveat on this. AASECT is a place that does certifications for both sex educators and for sex therapists. That said, there are definitely people who are certified as a sex therapists, who are not the most open-minded, informed or inclusive. Therapy, as a general rule, is a field that is not the most cutting edge when it comes to liberation work and intersectional work. There are some amazing therapists out there like Meg-John Barker and Megan Devine, who have done all kinds of phenomenal work around inclusion and trans issues and kink. 

That said, there’s also a whole lot of therapists out there who are trying really hard, but they’re still pretty problematic. Even if you head to something like aasect.org and you find a professional in your area, you’re still going to want to try them out and see if they’re a good fit for you. You don’t want someone who’s going to shame you for your sexual behaviors or interests for the things that you want to experiment with or the things that you’re most ashamed of. You want to find somebody who is very informed and very open to working with you. 

Dawn Serra: Now, I have had luck on Talkspace, which is an online therapy option, where you get connected with a therapist and you communicate with each other through an app on your phone. You can pay for video chats, but most of it happens through a chat feature. They offer therapy by chatting with you back and forth as you explore your issues and questions, and then they pose questions back or offer resources. If you stay upfront in your application that you’re specifically looking for a therapist who’s informed in the specific areas of sexuality that you need support, I have had good luck with finding people who maybe weren’t the most informed about kink, but who were certainly very open and welcoming to talking about those things. So that might be another place to turn. 

I will reach out to my networks and see if anybody else has any really juicy lists that I can include. But, of course, I will have links to everything that I’ve mentioned for this episode in the show notes and also at dawnserra.com. Because having a therapist or a counselor who can support us, both when we’re feeling like we really need support and when we’re feeling really good and we just want to make sure that we stay mentally nourished is such a wonderful thing. So please check it out. Anybody who’s interested, grab yourself a really helpful and open sex therapist or just a therapist who knows about sex.

Dawn Serra: Jack wrote in with a subject line of, “Just a whole lot of love.” “Hey, Dawn. I just recently stumbled on your podcast a few weeks ago. Let’s just say I’ve been hooked since the first episode. I’m extremely appreciative of what you’re doing. I never realized there was such a large community of people tapping into their sexuality. As a 20-year old woman, who was never given the sex talk and has had a sex ed teacher in high school who took it as a joke, I want to say thank you for helping me embrace and understand so much. I’ve always been an extremely sexual person, but always thought it was looked down on. I also used to think I was categorized as a freak for liking the things that I do in bed. There have been so many things I’ve been wanting to try, but didn’t know how, who to ask or how to tell my partner. But now I do. The only question I ask of you – and hope one day you can do a hickey on – is sexting. It’s something I absolutely suck at. It’s either wrong timing or I don’t know how to respond since normally the person initiating isn’t that great at it either. So let me know. Much love. Stay kinky. Jack”

First of all, thank you so much, Jack, for writing in and for listening. I love your question and I also love all the love. I’m so glad that this show is helping you. That’s the whole point of the show is to make all of us just feel a little more open and relaxed and easy and curious about stuff that we’re not told we can just be open and easy and curious about.

So sexting. I’ll say I think sexting is a little bit easier than dirty talk. Just because with sexting, you have a chance to actually edit, reread, delete, all before you hit send. One of the things that I’ve found to be such a wonderful tip when it comes to sexting is using the past, present and future to guide your conversations. I’m not the first one to talk about this. In fact, Kate Kenfield and I just did a live stream on O.school talking all about keeping things sexy in long distance relationships. And we were talking about sexting and dirty talk. We brought this very thing up. 

Dawn Serra: The past, present, future works both for dirty talk and for sexting. To do the past, you can either talk about what has happened in the past with the person that you’re sexting with. You become nostalgic about the stuff that’s happened that you found really hot like, “I’m just sitting here right now thinking about that thing that you did with your fingers last week and how much it turned me on.” So you can make statements about the things that turned you on and why you still like thinking about them. If it’s with a new partner, you can still use that, but you can just talk about things you’ve done with yourself that you found really hot or movies or scenes that you really enjoyed and why you found it hot.

The present tense option is describing what’s happening for you right now. That can be really hot during a sexting scene, where you talk about how you’re feeling in your body, what part of your body is feeling tingly or hard or wet or what part of you is starting to feel super aroused. You can describe the sensations and how you’re touching yourself or what you’re wearing. Using all these present tense statements to keep that banter going of like, “Ooh. That gave me a little shiver up my spine.” Then, you can talk about what you want to do because of that sensation or where your hands are lingering. So that’s the present tense that you can play in. And that’s endless. Because our sensations in our bodies and the thoughts that we’re having are constantly changing. If you’re basically just narrating that and just giving a little sexy, flirty wink, that can be super hot. 

Dawn Serra: And then, future. Also, super hot because that’s what you talk about what you want to be doing. What you wish you could do. What you’re going to do the next time you see someone or what you want done to you the next time you see someone. So, “As soon as I get home, I want to rip my clothes off and XYZ,” or “The next time we have a date, I would so love it if we–” You know, fill in the blank. Using that past, present and future – and you can interchange them – it gives you just this endless opportunity for having content that can be playful and hot. 

I am also a super huge fan of sending sexy little Tumblr links or gifs. Alex and I use ladycheeky.newtumbl.com endlessly for this where we build whole scenes up. One way that you could do that is like, “Sitting here thinking about you and I found this. This is something I definitely like us do the next time we’re together.” And then, you send a little link and it’s something super hot from ladycheeky.newtumbl.com, and then they get it, and they reply. You can do that without the other person being very good at replying. It just takes a little bit more work and a little more patience. 

Dawn Serra: Also, sexting can be super hot if it’s just a one-time text, where you just say, ”Hey. Thinking about you and getting really turned on.” Then, do a little, “Here’s what I want to do to myself later. Have a nice day.” If you want to do the back and forth too, then you can build whole scenes. You could create an entire erotic story together. That can be really fun. Just ask them how they want to play and try things out. Sometimes it’s just going to land flat. Also, sometimes when you’re sexting with someone, someone walks in or they’ve got a meeting. So it’s super important that we’ve let go of expectations and that we don’t expect someone’s going to reply right away the entire time or it falls apart. 

We have to be able to maintain that arousal over the course of time, especially if we’re doing it in the middle of a day or while one of us is traveling. Let there be some ease and some space around it. It’s not all or nothing. Like if we don’t keep texting this way constantly for the next hour, then it falls apart. Sometimes it’s three or four texts on the little burst, and then someone takes a phone call. Then, half an hour later, they get back and you just read back through the texts to get hot again, and then send more. 

Dawn Serra: There’s so many opportunities when it comes to sexting and there’s some really great workshops and courses in sexting. I know Ashley Manta has a course or a workbook or something like that on sexting. I also have this really quick little handout that’s called “Sexting Made Easy.” I made it a couple of years ago. It’s free. I will include a link in the show notes, so everyone can go grab it. If you like things like that too, just make sure you’re signed up for my newsletter list because I try to send goodies out with my newsletter every once in a while, in addition to just talking about the latest episodes of the show and the big thinking thoughts that I’m having all the time. But a link to the “Sexting Made Easy” PDF that I created a couple years back will be linked. So head to dawnserra.com for this episode or check the show notes and grab it. Then, start practicing and see where you end up. 

So good luck. Have fun. Even if it’s a little awkward or clunky, you can still have so much fun with that. It doesn’t have to be perfect or not hot. It can be in the middle, where someone says something that gets there, and then you just build on it and turn it into something sexy or vice versa. Be generous with each other and have fun. That’s the point. Right? Thank you so much for listening and for writing in. Good luck. 

Dawn Serra: Katie wrote in and it says, “Dawn, I had such a funny moment today. I felt like you’d appreciate the story. So here we go. I’m a 31-year old cis female in a three-year monogamous, straight relationship. I found your podcast recently since my boyfriend and I have become long distance and it helps pass the time when I’m driving. I binged like crazy as it seems so many do. I’ve shared your podcast with my siblings, my mom, my friends. I studied human sexuality as part of my sociology degree in university and I loved the topic. I didn’t end up pursuing my degree in sociology. I now have my own dog walking business and I love what I do. But your podcast has helped me see so many things more clearly, as well as it’s given me so many tools and resources to help me make my own relationship stronger and sexier.” Yes! 

“Anyways, about today, I was in an upscale condo high rise in the city I live and work in. I have many clients in this building. So I’m there Monday through Friday, usually with lots of dogs in tow. People totally recognize me and tend to strike up conversation. Today, I ran into a man I’ve seen many times before. He seems about mid-50s, usually with people I assume are his daughters and wife. But today he was solo. As we were waiting for the elevator, he asked me which dog I was picking up and where we were headed. I said I was seeing a few dogs and that we had a playdate planned elsewhere. Without missing a beat, as we got into the elevator, he says to me, ‘Man, I wish someone would just come and leash me up for a playdate. I mean, just tell me what to do. I wouldn’t even have to think. You know? it would be so fun.’ I was half-stuttering over how to respond to him. Half-listening to Sex Gets Real. So I just smiled and said, ‘Haha! Have a great day,’ as the elevator chimed to my clients floor and I went about my business. It wasn’t until I was walking out of the building and saw him drive out of the parking garage that I thought, “Oh! He was totally telling me he wants to be dominated.” Now, every time I see him I’m going to have to bite my tongue and resist the urge to offer him a leash and a spot on the dog park trip that day. P.S. Thanks for suggesting überlube to your listeners. I recently bought some and tried it out. Both my boyfriend and I are obsessed with it. He loves the way it feels.” 

Dawn Serra: First of all, yay, überlube! One of my favorites. I go through so much of that stuff. It’s definitely my go to for almost all my situations these days. And yay for awkward, funny, ridiculous comments about being leashed up and walked on a playdate. Part of me is like, “Was he saying he wants to be dominated?” and part of me is like, “Is he just so tired of life that he wants someone else to just be like, ‘Alright. You get to go have fun and not worry about anything, but I suppose that is an element of being dumb. Now, isn’t it?’” Thank you so much for listening and for getting so much out of the show. It touches my heart and I appreciate you writing in. 

Before we dive into our last email of the week, I just want to send another very huge thank you to RXBAR for sponsoring this week’s episode. Seriously, I’ve tried a lot of those little bars by lots of different companies and this one’s super tasty. If you’re just looking for a quick little snack you can carry in your purse or have with you on the go whenever you’re running errands or as I mentioned earlier, something for your little hookup bag, RXBARs are delicious. 

Dawn Serra: As always, I also love hearing from you. So if you have questions or you need help finding resources, head to dawnserra.com and use the contact form. You can send me anonymous emails or share your name if you’d like to. I may feature your question on the show down the road. Here’s the last question. “Hi, Dawn. I’m 23 and I recently just had sex for the second time. Only, I literally couldn’t come. Nothing. I at least got hard. Should I be worried? Am I so accustomed to my hand from years of masturbation? Help.” 

I love this question and I love that you’re asking it because there’s a lot of places where we feel like we have questions and we can’t actually ask them. There could be so many things that happened. Of course, longtime listeners of the show are probably going to know where I’m going with my answer. Not being able to orgasm can be super frustrating, regardless of what kinds of genitals or gender we have. One of the reasons is because we’re told that orgasm should be the thing that we’re all striving for. 

Dawn Serra: My first advice to you is going to be you just started having intercourse. It’s a lot of pressure to put on yourself to expect yourself and your body to perform a certain way every single time you have sex. That’s just not how some bodies work. Also, the more pressure you put on yourself, the less likely it is to actually happen. The first thing I would do is let go of that as a goal. Have fun. Feel good. Explore pleasure. If you come, great. If you don’t, no big deal. There’s so many delicious, yummy things you can do. You’re not going to die of blue balls, like the cultural stories tell us. It’s not going to kill you. It’s not going to be some terrible thing that happens to your health. In fact, there are people in the tantra community who spend months and years intentionally not orgasming because they think it’s good for your health. But I understand the distress.

Dan Savage talks a lot about death grip masturbation and I know that the Pleasure Mechanics also have some tools and resources around this very thing. Giving our bodies an opportunity to experience pleasure in a variety of ways is so important. Because we can train ourselves this is the only way that we can get off. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s lots of people who have one way that they like to come and it’s reliable. And so, that’s just what works for them. Sometimes it’s with a toy or with their hand, but they like knowing there’s just this one thing. Other people want lots of different options for being able to experience pleasure and a variety of releases. 

Dawn Serra: Barbara Carrellas was just on the show. She likes to talk about all different kinds of gasms that aren’t just genital-based. In addition to genita-based orgasms, she can have breath gasms and rage gasms and giggle gasms. All these other ways of experiencing these big releases in our bodies. 

If you feel like it might be something to do with the way you’re masturbating, then I would invite you to start experimenting with other kinds of touch, other kinds of stimuli. The thing is, it can take time for us to find new ways to experience and understand our bodies and the ways that we’re touching them. The first time that I really settled into masturbating with my hands because when I started masturbating, it was always with not my hands. I just didn’t touch myself. I did a lot of penetration masturbation, and then I got toys and I use toys exclusively. It wasn’t until I was in my mid-20s that I actually really started experimenting with my hands. And making myself come with my hands was a whole different ballgame. It took a lot of time. It took a lot of attention to just adjust to all the sensations and I had to slow down. Sometimes I didn’t orgasm and sometimes I did. But when I did, it was a totally different experience in sensation than when I used toys. 

Dawn Serra: So if you’re worried that your death grip on your cock for when you’re masturbating is impacting you when you have sex, then you can start experimenting with masturbation using something like a fleshlight or a tenga egg. Maybe letting go and just using the tips of your fingers and seeing what happens. It might take time. It might be frustrating, but it’s your body. And you get to play with it and try different techniques. 

I do think though, it’s so important to just take the pressure off of coming. I think it’s also important to take the pressure off of having a hard dick. I mean, there are so many amazing sexual experiences we can have without our genitals needing to be a very specific kind of way. It’s hard to let go of those stories, especially when sex is new to us and we’re so excited to be having it and to be connecting with these other people, who probably subscribe to the same stories we do. But just know, the more that you can have curiosity, the more that you can tease your body and experience different sensations, the more you can let go of those goals, the more opportunities there are for all kinds of creativity and connection and pleasure and delight that maybe never would have occurred to you. 

Dawn Serra: So this is a brand new thing for you. Your body is going to do all kinds of things over the course of your life. Give yourself permission to just have new experiences. Don’t focus on that goal and see where you end up. Because, let me tell you, if this is only the second time you’ve had intercourse and you want to do it again, you’ve got a long road of delicious new experiences and experiments to have between you, your body and any partners that you might have. Thank you so much for writing in and good luck. 

That’s it for this week’s show. Of course, I will be back next week with a whole new episode. I’ve got all kinds of fun interviews lined up with some amazing sex educators and authors and porn folks for 2018 and some huge celebrations. So please stay tuned. Again, I love hearing from you. Head to dawnserra.com. Also, support the show, Sex Gets Real at Patreon. You can’t search for us because we’re sex and Patreon doesn’t let you search. So you actually have to type in patreon.com/sgrpodcast. I will talk to you soon. Bye!