I know tons of you are either kink lovers or kink curious, so I have a feeling you’re going to enjoy this chat with rope expert and rope love Emily Bingham.

She recently published an erotic memoir all about her kinky, erotic bondage adventures. It is SUPER hot. So in this episode we talk about how she got into rope, some of the wild things she’s done as a rope model and rope lover, and why she decided to write the book.

We also geek out about teledildonics and a new strap-on that lets the person wearing the strap-on experience sensation. YES.

There are some amazing episodes coming up, too, so stay tuned and enjoy.

Plus, Patreons who support at the $3 level and above get weekly bonus content that NO ONE ELSE gets to hear. Of course, you can support the show at any level from $1 and up and it means so much to me. Literally, every pledge sends me into an excited squeal of delight. patreon.com/sgrpodcast

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It’s true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

In this episode, Emily and I talk about:

• How Emily got into rope. She was born wanting to be tied up, and found her way to rope and kink as an adult.
• Being an art installation at a kink conference and a fucking machine. Oh, the things that happen at kink conferences.
• Emily’s book, Diary of a Rope Slut, and how it unfolded for her, why she wrote it, and what it means to her to put these stories out in the world.
• Why it might look like everyone at kink events and dungeons look super confident, but it’s not true. Emily talks about how it’s less about getting confident and more about just doing it anyway.
• Kink as meditation and healing. Emily has beautiful thoughts on what happens for her as she surrenders to a scene, and why it’s also yummy how kink requires skills that keep you super present and plugged in with a partner.
• Getting vacuum packed into a bag and what it’s like to be fully sensory deprived.
• What Emily wants people new to kink to know, especially people who are leaning towards submissive.
• Consent and understanding boundaries. Also, why 50 Shades is once again failing newbie kinksters.
• Rape and how Emily’s rape got her talking about consent, writing the book, and adding more to her story beyond just that trauma.
• Getting shunned and kicked out of the Portland rope scene because she speaks publicly about her rape and who raped her. Portland has a big consent problem.
• Community growth and finding ways to be more consent and victim centric, especially as leaders.
• Tips for newbies to rope and kink from Emily. Primarily that rope is super easy. If you can tie shoe laces, you can do sexy rope.
• The sexiest and most rewarding sexual adventure for Emily considering all of the things she’s done.
• Netflix and rope – it should be a thing.
• Wearable dicks that actually provide the wearer with sensation.

Resources discussed in this episode

Emily’s book, “Diary of a Rope Slut” can be found here.

About Emily Bingham

Emily Bingham is a writer, kinky educator and consent activist.  The only thing she loves more than words is rope.  Her stories have appeared in a number of erotica anthologies and most recently she published an erotic memoir, Diary of a Rope Slut. When she isn’t writing she’s teaching folks how to have safe and sexy rope adventures in the bedroom. Follow her at www.emilyerotica.com

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Episode Transcript

Dawn Serra: You’re listening to (You’re listening) (You’re listening) You’re listening to Sex Gets Real (Sex Get Real) (Sex Gets Real) Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra (with Dawn Serra). Thanks, bye!

Hey, you. Sorry if I sound a little sleepy. It’s because I’m recording this intro when I’m sleepy. But welcome to this week’s episode of Sex Gets Real. We are going to be talking all about rope and kink because Emily Bingham is here, who is a rope lover and kinkster, out of Portland, Oregon. She just put out a book called “Diary of a Rope Slut,” which is full of these are really, really erotic stories, all about rope and kink and her journey into both. 

Dawn Serra: Before I jump into the interview with Emily, I want to remind you of two things. The first is your support on Patreon means so much to me. So many of you have been going and pledging $1 or $3. A couple of you have been really generous and offered a little bit more, which is making my heart sing. If you want to join their ranks, you can go to patreon.com/sgrpodcast to see all of the options. I’m going to be revamping my thank you page very soon to make it much more prominent on the site. 

Don’t forget, I’m also hosting those new bi-weekly calls. Every other week, I’m hopping on a live video call with everyone who has signed up for the “Sex is a Social Skill” group calls. Last time, we talked all about cherishing and what it feels like to be cherished, what it means to cherish others. Our next call is coming up super soon, and we’re going to be talking about respect. What does self-respect mean? What does it mean to respect others in relationship? We’ve got a call coming up on anger, on pleasure, on all kinds of super fun stuff. It’s a chance for all of us to just share and practice and talk about things where we don’t usually have a space to talk about. So if you want to join in those, they’re $13 a month, which means you’re only paying $6.50 per call, 90 minutes of just geeking out and learning and being in community. I would love to see you there. There is a link to those group calls in the show notes for this episode, and if you go to dawnserra.com/ep170 since this is Episode 170. So let’s get on with the show. 

Dawn Serra: Emily Bingham is a writer, kink educator, and consent activist. The only thing she loves more than words is rope. Her stories have appeared in a number of erotica anthologies, and most recently she published an erotic memoir, “Diary of a Rope Slut.” When she isn’t writing, she’s teaching folks how to have safe and sexy rope adventures in the bedroom. We are going to talk about how she got into rope. We are going to talk about the book which is very, very sexy. If you like kinky stuff and erotica, you’re probably going to love the book. Here is Emily and I talking about all the things.

Dawn Serra: Welcome to Sex Gets Real, Emily. This promises to be a rope-tastic conversation, and I’m super excited to have you. 

Emily Bingham: I’m so glad to be here, too. Thanks for having me.

Dawn Serra: I found you through your book, “Diary of a Rope Slut.” It is a book that is full of stories, all about you getting involved with rope and doing modeling and just fantastic adventures. All of the hits and misses and big feelings that you had. We love talking about kink here on the show. I just want to start with, for people who aren’t familiar with you or for people who are new to kinky conversations, what do you think is the short version of how you found your way to rope?

Emily Bingham: Well, it’s a funny story. I started out really early. I was one of those people who was into rope before you even knew about sex ‘cause I used to always want to be the bad guy. When I was playing games on the playground, I always wanted to get tied up with this little purple jump rope that I carried everywhere. Somehow kink has lodged itself into my brain really, really early on. The desire to get tied up was always there, so I was really excited when I started exploring my sexuality in college with lovers to find out that people actually did this, and they did it for sex. That it was fun. It was something that you can ask for him. But I grew up in the Midwest, so it was hard to find people that wanted to do that. Eventually, I moved to Portland, Oregon, and there is a huge rope scene here. Now, I’m a big part of the rope scene, and I get tied up all the time. That’s the shortest version of my adventure into rope.

Dawn Serra: I get lots of emails from people who are kink curious or who have fantasies and things that are kinky, but they feel ashamed to bring it up or they’re not sure where to get started. I can’t tell you how many emails I get from people who’s like, “Am I the only one that feels this way about nuns or whatever. This fear of, “There must be something wrong,” or “I must be the only person who wants this thing.” I know you grappled with that a little bit. What was it like for you to know you wanted to get tied up, but to not have yet found a rope community? What was it like navigating that weird, should I say something, space?

Emily Bingham: Yeah. It’s really frustrating. I think we’re a little spoiled now in the age of the internet, when you can Google, “Do people get tied up?” and you can probably find out that you’re not the only one. But even Googling it, you still feel alone because you’re just in your bedroom, trying to figure out how you’re going to get these fantasies fulfilled. So yeah, it’s a real weird space. Yeah, I grappled with it for probably five or six years. It wasn’t until I moved somewhere, where it was just an obvious thing, where you could just look in the newspaper and people were talking about, “Do you want to do rope modeling? Do you want to meet up?” that I was like, “Oh. This isn’t a thing that I have to be ashamed of.” 

Even when I was doing it, yeah, I still felt the shame. I understand, and I don’t know what the answer is for everybody out there who can’t find their community because I was spoiled by coming somewhere where it happened really easily. But no, you’re definitely not alone. And that was part of why I wanted to write the book. To have that out there, so you can at least find that on the internet and be like, “Oh. This lady went through the same thing that I did.”

Dawn Serra: My husband read your book before I did. It was really funny because there were a couple points when he was like, “What are you doing? I want to read you this passage.” Then he’d read me a really hot passage from your book. Afterwards, he said, “I think you’re really going to like this. It’s really hot and really interesting, and there’s lots of different dynamics and experiences that you’ve had.” And he was super right. 

So for people who haven’t read the book yet, it’s basically your adventures of being in the Midwest and being in different types of relationships and trying to acknowledge the ropey side of yourself. Then ultimately moving to Portland, and having a chance to do lots of rope and lots of different situations, including lots of rope modeling. Each chapter focuses on a specific partner that you’re playing with and what you learned in that moment. I’d love to know, for you, what is your favorite story that you got to reflect on and suss out as you were writing the book?

Emily Bingham: I mean, the first one is always interesting to think about – the adventure of going on the shady internet in the late 90s and being in a chat room, and trying to negotiate getting broke when I didn’t even know how to talk about that. So that’s a favorite. But I think other than that one, going to the big kink conference here in Portland called KinkFest., I had just moved to Portland, and I went to this big festival. There were hundreds of people getting tied up. I was part of this art for the opening ceremonies. The shy girl being a piece of art in front of hundreds of people, and then just getting dropped down into the sea of kinky people and trying to figure out how to negotiate rope and having all my fantasies fulfilled. So that one’s fun, too. Also, there’s a fucking machine that comes in so, that’s a great story.

Dawn Serra: Anytime a story involves a fucking machine, we’re probably on the right track.

Emily Bingham: Yeah, things get interesting when you get machinery involved.

Dawn Serra: That’s right. I went to kinky conferences, and I got to see this thing called Fistapalooza ones with Dark Odyssey when it was a room just full of people getting fisted. It was actually really hot. Seeing all kinds of rope stuff and just the whole gamut. But I have to tell you, every time I just hear the word fucking machine, something in me is like, “Whoo.”

Emily Bingham: It’s just so scandalous. Even though we talked about rope and fisting, it’s like, “Oh. A fucking machine. Oh, golly.”

Dawn Serra: Right. “What might happen now?” I love that scene of you being part of the installation at KinkFest and being on display. I thought one of the beautiful things actually about you and your story is you’re not an exhibitionist, and yet you consistently find yourself in situations where you are certainly on display, either as a model being photographed indoors or outdoors, surrounded by other people who are also part of the shoot, and being tied up at dungeons and places like KinkFest. How do you navigate that as someone who’s like, “No, I’m not really getting off on this, but I’m definitely into being in a rope, and if people happen to be around, so be it.”

Emily Bingham: Yeah. I do tend to get myself into a lot of trouble. I always joke that there’s two parts of my personality. There’s the shy introverted me that sits home and writes and just wants to hang out with her dog and not see other people. But then there’s this extroverted part of me who really gets off on doing all of this stuff. And there’s the negotiation between the two sides of me. Also, learning that in order to get rope, I’ve got to go talk to people. So I just deal with the exhibitionist part. I’ve kind of learned to enjoy it over the years in order to get roped, I guess.

Dawn Serra: Yeah, I love that. It’s like, “Well, I guess if I’m going to get tied up, I have to go socialize.”

Emily Bingham: I mean, I can tie myself up, but there’s just something missing from that. I can’t be a hermit all the time.

Dawn Serra: Yeah, yeah. I think that’s just so wonderful for people to hear. I remember the first time that I went to a dungeon, and I also remember the first time I went to a conference where kink was happening. This feeling of everyone just seems so comfortable, and that’s not me. There’s so many people who are just naked or have very little clothing on. There’s people who are getting tied up and getting fucked. And it’s just out in the open. I love seeing the body diversity, all the different ages and sizes, because I’m in a fat body. That used to be a huge source of shame for me. But also this feeling of, “Wow! All of these people must be so comfortable with themselves and so confident.” Because they’re just so out there and naked and feeling maybe it’s not for me because I’m not that comfortable. 

I love that like you gave yourself permission to go on that journey too of, “I never been naked in public,” or “I’ve never been fucked in public.” Then finding yourself in situations where you’re like, “OK. Maybe I can do this or maybe I can try this or maybe I will go there today because it feels good.” I just think that’s so important for people to hear. You don’t have to just be naked all the time and exhibitionist to be in kink space or to go to dungeons and play parties.

Emily Bingham: No, definitely not. I had the same experience. All of these people are super confident, I don’t belong here. But it’s all just a lie. Everyone’s just as intimidated and scared. You just have to put yourself out there to enjoy it, I guess. I love the same thing about the kinky community or the sex positive community. That you can go into a space and see bodies like yours or bodies that aren’t represented in mainstream culture. You can see fat bodies and queer bodies and people doing all of these weird things that you thought only lived in your head. But there’s people out there doing them. And they look like you, and they’re having fun. You can talk to them. You can play off their energy and learn how to be confident in the same way that they are. But yeah, we’re all just pretending when we’re playing in public. I guess that’s what I want people who are new to the scene to know. We’re all just as scared and fucked up as you are. Just come talk to us after the scene is over.

Dawn Serra: Yeah, yeah. Something else that I’ve found to be true in my experience, and certainly you can share yours, is I am not super comfortable being naked in public yet. I’m sure, at some point, that will probably be part of my story because I’m way more comfortable now than I was eight years ago. 

Emily Bingham: It takes practice, like anything else.

Dawn Serra: Yeah, exactly. What I’ve also noticed is once I get into the moment or the scene, the insecurities fall away. For me, I love being flogged, and my husband’s really good with rope so he ties me up. If I’m having a super insecure day, even if it’s just the two of us in our bedroom and he starts tying me up, all I can think about is how fat I feel and my tummy and, “Ugh! He couldn’t possibly find me sexy.” But then, as we move into and I start feeling the rope, I start feeling the rhythm of the flogger, it’s like those voices start becoming very quiet. I can really just become embodied and be so present with the sensation. It’s hard to be thinking all these other things when you’re feeling this movement and this rope and this scratch, whatever it is. It’s almost this wonderful meditation of like, “I might go in feeling really insecure and unattractive. But by the time I’m actually in it, that’s so not a part of the story anymore. And I lose myself.”

Emily Bingham: Yeah, that’s another thing that I love about kink as well. People laugh at me, but it’s like my form of meditation. I find it super healing to find someone that you trust and to do this scene, and you go in feeling all weird and uncomfortable. But by the end of it, you’ve gone into this headspace where the rest of the world doesn’t exist, and it all falls away. Your body is perfect, and you don’t have a terrible day job. Nothing went wrong that day. There’s just this super sexy thing that you’re doing with your partner. And I love that about kink. I don’t think a lot of people who see it in the mainstream as the big, evil dom that’s the bad guy, and formulaic cops and robbers shows. The kinky people never get to be the good guys. We’re seen as these evil sadists, but I don’t think people understand how healing and precious and beautiful kink can be.

Dawn Serra: Yeah, I love that word healing. I think you’re so right. Healing relationship with your body, with yourself, with the person that you’re playing with, be it someone you’ve played with for years or even someone that you’re new to playing with, and just having a chance to be super present with another human being. I think, for me, that’s one of the things that kinky activities have always offered. Unless you just really aren’t connecting with that person, and there’s just something not right about what’s happening. Which sometimes happens. But when you want to be there and you’re with someone who’s showing up in the same way, and you can both just surrender to this thing that you’re creating, you get so present, and so truly tuned in to this other person or these other people. I think that there’s not very many opportunities for us to really get lost in another person that way in our day to day lives. So it’s nice to have this little space where we do these activities, and then all of a sudden, we’re all feeling good.

Emily Bingham: It’s a super rare space that we don’t allow ourselves very often. Even in regular so called vanilla sex. You do it enough times, and you forget to be present. But kink, you’ve got to remember how to throw the flogger or how to do the cuff on the rope. So you’ve got to be present because you’ve got to remember how to find these skills in your head. And I like that about kinky sex. It kind of forces you to be there with your partner.

Dawn Serra: There’s a scene in the book – and I’m probably going to get the specifics a little bit wrong – where you essentially got vacuum packed inside of a bag. 

Emily Bingham: Yeah, yeah. 

Dawn Serra: Can you tell us a little bit about that? Because I was like, “Whoa! That sounds terrifying, but amazing all at the same time.”

Emily Bingham: Yeah, that was another, like the fucking machine. It’s like, people never see that. It’s one of those scenes that everyone sticks to. And it was a really hard one to write about, too. Because it was super sexy, but there’s no way to write about a latex bag and getting zipped into it and make that sound sexy. That was one of the hardest things to write about. For people who didn’t read the book, I went to this strange house party that was happening in a basement. There were different rooms where things were happening. People were playing with a violet wand in one, and people doing rope in another. I hear from this other room all these people squealing and a vacuum. So I had to go investigate what was happening there. It was a huge latex bed. Maybe you’ve seen people wearing latex costumes. Like that super sexy latex, not like the white latex. That’s a condom. I mean, that can be sexy too, but it wasn’t that kind of latex.

So people would just crawl into the bed, and they would zip it up. Then they just had a Shop-Vac that they stuck on to the tube that was around the bed. It sucked all of the air out of it, and then you were just vacuum sealed in this bed. The latex is just touching every part of your body and holding you in. It was super erotic but also very, very scary because you only had breathing tube to connect you to the outside world.

Dawn Serra: I don’t know. The first thing that comes up for me when I think about that is, “Oh, fuck! Claustrophobia. What if I freak out?” But then behind that comes this, “I wonder if that just feels all warm and swaddled, and like you’re floating.” I don’t know. What was that like for you?

Emily Bingham: Yeah, it was both of those sensations at the same time. It was definitely one of those times where the introvert and extrovert me had to have this argument of, “Well, I don’t want to do that because claustrophobia, and I might die in there.” But extroverted me was like, “When are you going to get this chance again? You should go try it.” That’s usually when I get myself into the most trouble when I’m like, “Oh. Well, I might as well try this for the first time and see if I like it.” Once I got in there, and I was zipped into it and I didn’t have any other choice but to enjoy it or freak out, I decided to enjoy it. But yeah, the claustrophobia was real.

Dawn Serra: OK. I’m so glad you talked about getting yourself into trouble. Because I think one of the things that I really love so much about your book and your stories and the way you shared yourself, that would be so amazing for people that are new to kink to read is, you had a series of near misses of things that could have gone horribly wrong and didn’t. Things that were awkward, and things you didn’t know you were allowed to ask for or boundaries that you didn’t know you were allowed to set for yourself. 

You very much made it clear of how, over the years, you’ve stumbled your way into realizing you deserved to set boundaries and to say no. That you were allowed to say yes to things that intrigued you. To telling people that you didn’t want to work with them or that you did and taking that risk. There’s this kind of element of stumbling your way towards consent and stumbling your way towards, “I have worth and I am worthy and I deserve.” I think that’s such an important thing, especially for newbies to kink, to understand and to read about and to learn you’re allowed to say no, and you’re allowed to say yes. I love so much that you shared yourself and the mistakes and that oops and the, “Woo! That could have gone bad,” stories.

Emily Bingham: Yeah. I definitely wanted to be very honest when I wrote this book because I feel like we don’t get to read about or hear about people making mistakes. I’ve definitely made a lot of mistakes. Some of them were my fault, and some of them were because I didn’t have boundaries or I didn’t have the words. That’s the thing that I want people to know when they get into kink, especially people who think they want to go towards the submissive side, to learn boundaries. And to learn that you can say yes or no. That just because you’re the bottom doesn’t mean that you have to do whatever the top wants you to do. That was something that I just thought – the top gets to do whatever. I got into a lot of situations that I wasn’t fully comfortable with. 

Now, looking back, I’m like, “Why was I putting up with that thing that I didn’t like. I could have saved both of us a lot of time by just saying no.” But it’s so hard to say no, especially as a feminine-presenting person, where we’re taught to say yes and to smile and to take everything. That was a definite journey. It is really important to learn consent. I’m really glad that there’s so many sex educators out there now, and so many articles on the internet and books about consent coming out. So that people can read about that, and maybe not go through as many of the awkward and terrible situations that I got myself into, where it was like, “Whoops. That could have went really bad.”

Dawn Serra: Yeah, there was this part of me as I was reading some of the stories, especially earlier in the book, where I was like, “Oh, god! This could go so wrong.” Then I’d turn the page and be like, “Whoo! OK, she made it.”

Emily Bingham: I made it because I wrote the book, but there are a few times when even I am writing it, I’m like, “Oh, why did I do this? Do I really want to tell people how stupid I was?” But yes, I felt it was important to let people know what an idiot I was at one point, so that once again, kinksters that are coming into the scene know that they’re not alone. People make mistakes. It’s OK.”

Dawn Serra: I just think it’s so important to stress over and over again that if you are interested in submission or bottoming, and if you were socialized female and/or just femme and presenting that way, there’s this cultural expectation that means you’ll just let people do things to you or that you have to let your dom do or your top, do whatever they want once the scene starts. We know that’s such a damaging and dangerous narrative, that’s not at all true. 

But I want more people to understand that as the submissive or as the bottom, you have equal negotiation power. You made that so clear in your book because it was you stumbling your way towards that realization, and allowing us to see you didn’t just know that, you actually had to learn that and arrive there. So giving all of us the opportunity to read that and arrive there a little bit sooner because of you sharing your story is a beautiful thing.

Emily Bingham: Right. I actually made a discovery after going to some submissive-only groups here in Portland, and talking to all these strong, fierce women that like to give up their control and be controlled in the bedroom. It’s that tops don’t want me to tell you this, but the bottom is actually the one that’s in control of the whole scene because they get to be the one that says no or stop or do their safe word. Learning that thing and integrating it into my mind while I play, that was super empowering. Like, “Yes, I’m going to let someone hang me upside down and flog me until I cry. But I’m in control this whole time. I get to stop this.” And just remembering that has been super empowering. I like to tell new people that little secret whenever I can. Like, “You’re in control. Just don’t let the top know that you know you’re in control.” It’s sexier if you let them feel like they’re in control. But you always get to say no. We forget that, especially feminine people who don’t get to say no a lot.

Dawn Serra: Well, I think also just because we have all of these cultural narratives, especially if we’re talking about the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon. It’s “sexy” when the top pushes you or questions your boundaries or asks more of you than you were willing to give. We, as a culture, try to romanticize that manipulation and coercion, so that I think a lot of people see that as normal and as part of the game. But that’s really not OK, and that’s really not the way that it is supposed to be. Unless you specifically negotiate a manipulation and coercion scene, your boundaries are always supposed to be respected and your nos mean something.

Emily Bingham: Absolutely. That’s what has been so frustrating about people learning about kink from 50 Shades of Grey is, no, the person who is stalking you and borderline raping you, that is not sexy. You can do so much better. You can be with someone who does the things that you want to do and not try to manipulate you into this weird crap.

Dawn Serra: One of the things that is so sexy about your stories is the times when you did have experiences that were super mutual, and where the person that you were playing with really did respect who you were as a person and what you wanted. Then the delicious, enormously, just kinky stuff that came out of those mutual scenes was so friggin hot – the sex that you had, and the ways you got tied up and pushed. The way that you two created this ridiculously sexy scene, I think it just reinforces that when we both show up and we both really want it, and we’ve created this framework that we’re going to play within, it can be so freaking sexy. 

Emily Bingham: Oh, yeah. Once you understand consent and everybody showing up for the scene with the same expectations, there’s no way to go back to the creepy – I don’t even know what his name is in 50 Shades of Grey – that are coercing you into things and telling you what you’re going to like. Once you’ve had that really juicy, delicious, consensual kinky sex, you can’t go back. I wish more people could have that without having to go through all over the creepy stuff first.

Dawn Serra: Because we’re already talking about consent, and consent is a big part of the work that I do. We talk about it constantly on the show. I know it’s something that you teach and that you’ve written about extensively. Let’s talk about the impetus for why you wrote the book. There was something that happened to you that then made you want to share your stories and actually write all of these things out.

Emily Bingham: Yeah. Even for people who haven’t read the book, it’s not a spoiler because it’s in the description on the back of the book. There was a really bad, non-consensual thing that happened to me with a community leader here in Portland. I had a lot of shame surrounding that. The only way that I could find my way out of that non-consensual badness that had happened was, I wanted to sit down and remind myself of all of the happy rope times that I’d had. So I wrote this book in 30 days. I sat down and wrote the 30 stories of the times that I’ve been tied up up to that point. And that was super healing and freeing for me. There was one really bad time, but he doesn’t get to control all of the good rope and the good sex that I had. So that was where it came from. I definitely wanted to share that to let people know, once again, if something non-consensual has happened to them, that they aren’t alone. And that they can speak up, if they feel like they can.

Dawn Serra: Listeners have heard me talk about my experiences, and they know that I was raped. I don’t know that I’ve ever mentioned that it was with a community leader in Portland, too. But they’ve heard my story. I think one of the wonderful things about people sharing their story and about you creating this book is, we can experience trauma. And it can change us in fundamental ways. But it doesn’t mean it’s the end of the story, if we don’t want it to be. You’ve gone on and had these beautiful experiences since that violation happened. And there’s more to the book. There’s more into what’s happened to you since then. You still have these delicious experiences and these things you look forward to, and all these ways you experience your body, and this thing happened.I want people who have been raped or who have been sexually assaulted or have been molested to know it is part of your story. But it doesn’t have to be the end or the whole story, if you don’t want it to be. I think you articulated that so beautifully in the way that you shared your stories and what came after.

Emily Bingham: Yeah. I’m so glad that you talked about consent and about sexy times following rape and assault. I love that people are out there doing that, and that you were definitely one of the people. I love listening to your podcast when you are trying to empower people to have sexuality after bad things that happen because it’s definitely not the end. There’s this narrative in our culture of, you’re broken or you can’t do anything because you’re traumatized after a bad thing has happened to you. But I feel like it’s a story that happened to us. It’s not the whole story. I wanted to tell all the good stories and the bad story to let people know that there is life after a consent violation. And yeah, it made me get a lot more serious about consent and negotiation. I don’t want to say that I’m grateful that I got raped.  That’s not what I’m trying to get at. But it definitely opened my eyes and made me get a lot more serious about doing kink the right way, and negotiating and making sure, absolutely sure, that this is never going to happen to me again. 

Dawn Serra: Yeah. I think, for me – and I’d love to hear if this is true for you – it not only made me get so clear about the importance of boundaries and communication and being respected as a human being. But it also made me ridiculously passionate about getting that message out to other people, so that it wouldn’t happen to them or so that if it did happen to them, they would know they weren’t alone. Using that pain as a way to start reaching out to others and to educate and to amplify these super important messages that so many of us just don’t get until it’s too late.

Emily Bingham: Right. We’re super privileged to be able to feel like we can talk about our experience, like, “Oh. I feel like a lot of people just don’t have the headspace or the life where they can talk about it.” I’m so grateful to be able to talk about consent violations. I don’t want people to think that if they’ve been raped or abused, they’re doing something wrong by not talking about it. But I want to. I, like you, have been super motivated by it, and I want to make sure that it never happens to anybody that I know ever again. And I work as hard as I can. It’s been motivated in that way. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But this is what I’ve taken away from having my consent violated is, I want to be out there fighting and telling people about consent, and making sure everyone is as empowered as I am now. So they don’t have to go through these situations.

Dawn Serra: Yeah. I think one of the things that is so beautiful is in you sharing your story. You mentioned in the epilogue that so many other people came forward and said, “Oh, my god. Me too,” or “That really sucks. He did that to somebody that I know.” Also, just being very visible like, “I’m sexy. I’m into rope. I’m here. This thing happened. No, I’m not going to shut up about it. And guess what? I still can be a part of this community, and I’m still going to have amazing sexual experiences. I’m still going to connect with other people and hold space for other people’s stories.” It’s like this beautiful space of just showing up and being open about it. ‘Cause you’re right. There’s so many of us who have survived something like this that can’t be out and vocal and share and be relentlessly open about what happened. And just reminding people, “No, this happened, and it happens. It’s going to keep happening, unless we all level up.” I love that you’ve become this beacon of permission for others to also say, “Hey, that happens to me, too.”

Emily Bingham: Yeah. It’s not a fun job to have, to be out and talking about rape when I’m at a play party. People will see me, and there’ll definitely be times when I’ll have just got done with the scene, and someone will be like, “Can I talk to you about this thing? Is it this person who did it to you?” They’ll definitely take me out of the happy headspace. But it’s such important work that I don’t even mind being out and having to be the person that people know that they can come to. It’s been pretty traumatic. The same here, it took me about five years after I outed the guy who raped me for the rope scene to be into me again. I’ve just been welcomed back into the scene. Even people who believe in consent are afraid of me because there’s this idea that if you play with Emily, she might out you. I’m like, “I’m not going to out you as a rapist unless you are a rapist.” There are things that come with being out and it’s not always fun. But it is so important. And I will keep doing it. Because Portland, unfortunately, has a bit of a consent problem. I’m sorry to hear that it got all the way to you.

Dawn Serra: Yeah. Well, I want everyone to hear this, too. Unfortunately, because of the way communities are currently structured – and this I know this happened in Baltimore, this happened to Chicago – that when it becomes public knowledge that someone in the community, especially an organizer or a leader, has violated someone’s consent, the community doesn’t know what to do. So the victims are the ones that end up not being able to show up to spaces or to parties. They’re either uninvited or it’s just like, “Well, we’re not going to ask this problematic person not to come so then the folks who have been victimized by him can’t come because they don’t want to be in the same space.” 

It’s this really fucked up dynamic that happens, I think, in not only kink communities, but poly communities and all sorts of communities. To just name, “This is not OK.” When we are organizers, educators, leaders, we need to be centering the folks who have come forward and to do what we can. Like a true community centers the victim, centers the folks who have suffered the abuse and asks, “How can we show up for you?” Even if that’s really uncomfortable. It’s ridiculously unfortunate that you got ostracized for five years, and you’re now just finding your way back in, when all you did was say, “This really shitty thing happened to me, and it’s not OK.”

Emily Bingham: Yeah. I’m not the only one that’s had this experience. And it’s really upsetting. I don’t think that the community means to do what they’re doing. I don’t think they mean to ostracize the victims. I think that they just want to hold on so hard to these people who are group leaders. It’s really hard to hear that your friend or somebody who has taught you classes or you’ve learned things from can be super nice and charming to you, but also, in their spare time, they’ve assaulted someone. We want rapists to be monsters, to be one dimensional, and that’s all that they are. It’s hard for people to understand that you can be two things. 

I don’t think people are doing it on purpose, and that’s the saddest part. We don’t really have a way to talk about what to do when things like this happen. There isn’t a book or a pamphlet written about, “What to do in your community when someone is outed as a rapist.?” We don’t have the steps. I don’t think anybody knows what to do. So that would be a really important thing if someone has the magic steps down for how not to shun victims. But let people know that it’s going to be OK when someone outs a rapist. I don’t know what those steps are.

Dawn Serra: Yeah. I think that’s the thing. I’ve talked to so many people who do like transformative justice and who work with trauma folks. I think what I just keep coming up against is, we know what not to do, and we have some ideas around ways we can do better, but we don’t actually have the answers yet. I hope that more communities are willing to go into that super awkward space of, “Here’s what we don’t want to do. We’re not quite sure what to do, but we’re going to do our best.” 

I think most communities don’t want to be in that very ambiguous space. So they just do what’s comfortable or easy and keeps people coming to events. I think the only way we’re going to actually find, “these are the ways that we do best by our community,” is going to be for some communities to get brave enough to say, “We don’t know, and we’re going to have to stumble for a little while.” Then report back and say, “Here’s what didn’t work. Here’s what the mistakes we made. Here’s how we actually moved forward.” And have that repeated a few times. It’s complicated work.

Emily Bingham: It is. I think we’re getting closer to finding answers. There’s forums on FetLife for talking about consent violations. People that are in there moderating discussions between somebody who’s had their consent violated and the violator, and trying to find a middle ground and talk about it. So I feel like we’re getting closer. We’re not there yet. 

Dawn Serra: I’m wondering for people who are listening and they’re curious about rope, but they’ve never actually tried it or maybe they’ve just dabbled, what are some things– I know you’re teaching classes now. So for anybody who’s in the Portland area, if you want some private rope lessons, you know now that Emily does that. So woo-hoo!

Emily Bingham: I’ll teach you how to tie your lover up. It will be fun.

Dawn Serra: There you go. You don’t even have to want to be fully part of the kink community. Just learn some fun little rope tricks.

Emily Bingham: Right. You just do it in the bedroom. You don’t have to be an extrovert.

Dawn Serra: Yeah, exactly. But what are some things that you want more people to know about rope, especially when they’re in the newbie stage.

Emily Bingham: What I want everybody to know is that it’s super easy. You see all of these pictures of people tied up in this super complicated shibari stuff, and they’re tied to a tree and tied upside down, and there’s candle wax. And that’s certainly fun. I’ve done a lot of that, and I enjoy it. But that’s not the only kind of rope. You just need four pieces of rope that you bought from Home Depot. You need to know some safety stuff because rope is dangerous. You can hurt people very easily and very quickly with rope, so I don’t want to make it seem like there’s not any danger. I just want you to know that you can go buy some cheap rope from Home Depot and learn one knot – the knot that you probably already know to tie your shoes – and you can have all of this fun. That’s what I tried to teach people. That it doesn’t have to be complicated, and you don’t have to be intimidated.

Dawn Serra: Yeah. I remember… Oh, god. I don’t know. It was probably two years ago now. Alex, my husband, and I were sitting around talking about sexy stuff. He has lots of experience with rope. I have very little experience with doing it. I’ve been on the receiving end quite a bit. But I can maybe just roll you up in it and call it a day. 

I remember he asked me if I would be willing to do a chest harness on him, and then for us to have sexy times with him in the chest harness. In that moment, I was so flooded with shame, that I didn’t know how to do it, and that I would probably fuck it up, that I was like, “No, no,” and I changed the subject. That was such an amazing moment for me to look back on and see all of us, even when we’re experts, can have shame responses or be embarrassed by things we don’t know how to do, and want to make our lover feel impressed by us. 

Dawn Serra: But I love that your core message is it’s not super complicated, and you can actually do lots of really, really, really sexy things without knowing all of these very complicated techniques and designs and things like that. Because I want more people to know that. Even if you just want to feel rope on your skin, you’re allowed to just wrap yourself up in it or wrap someone else up at it. And just keep safety in mind, and know a few basics. But you can start there and end there if you want. I love that.

Emily Bingham: Yeah, it’s so easy. A lot of people who really enjoy rope, just wrapping them up in really messy rope bundles or just putting the rope on their skin and dragging it across their skin, a lot of times, that’s enough for a person who’s really, really into rope. You don’t have to do this big complicated thing. Just learn how to tie a rope cuff, and learn where the nerves are in the arm and in the neck, and don’t ever put rope there. You’re pretty much good. You don’t have to learn how to tie someone upside down to a tree.

Dawn Serra: You’ve had an opportunity to try so many yummy things, from being vacuum packed in a latex bed to being suspended over a waterfall and to be a part of all these different photo projects. I’m wondering, for you, what are some of the yummiest things that you’ve had an opportunity to experience or to try in all of your adventures?

Emily Bingham: There’s been so many. It’s hard to pick one. 

Dawn Serra: What a great problem to have.

Emily Bingham: I mean, it’s such a boring answer, but all of those big exciting things aren’t really that sexy. They’re fun to experiment with, but I don’t really get off on them. The most rewarding thing has been finding a partner that wants to combine sex and rope, and have really consensual hot sex alone in our bedroom, like boring committed people. That’s been the most rewarding thing because after reading my book, you will know that I spent a long, long time not having anybody to be my regular rope partner. Now that I found one, I know how sexy that is.

Dawn Serra: I love that. I love that… Honestly, that would be my answer, too. For all the things I’ve seen and the things I’ve learned and the places I’ve been and tried, for me, sometimes the hottest sexiest thing is to just be seen by someone else who wants to be seen, too. Then to create from there and to have that connection. I love your answer. It’s so sweet and charming and real. 

Emily Bingham: It seems so boring and disappointing to people who want to think that kink is this big, exciting scenes all the time. But no, the most satisfying ones are just like the boring, stay at home, “get-tied-to-the-bed” things. 

Dawn Serra: Yeah. I don’t know. For me, it’s like, “Oh, fun. Exciting. Let’s have all these stories to tell.” But when I really truly just want to experience my body and have lots of pleasure and be super present in it, I think you’re right, that it’s those quieter moments where we can really tap into that. And we can enjoy all of it. It doesn’t have to be a hierarchy. But just to know these things are where it feels yummy, and then these things make for great stories. Like, “Let’s do all of it.”

Emily Bingham: A more extroverted person might find more enjoyment going to big sexy play parties. I still enjoy those, too. It just takes a lot out of me. So I don’t do it as much anymore. But yeah, I will still go to play parties to get the weird stories and meet new people and have new experiences. But yeah, it’s more satisfying just to stay at home and tie up my fella.

Dawn Serra: I love that. “Oh, we’re just going to Netflix and rope.

Emily Bingham: We do that a lot. We’ll turn on Firefly and I’ll be like, “Can I practice a chest harness on you. Just sit on the floor and watch Captain Tight Pants, and I’ll just tie you up.” That’s what we do on our Fridays. I just practice rope while we watch nerdy shows. That’s my life now. 

Dawn Serra: Oh, my god. That sounds like heaven actually.

Emily Bingham: It is. I love it.

Dawn Serra: For people who are curious about getting into coaching and who have had these fantasies, but haven’t really had the courage to express them yet, what do you think are some of the best places for kinksters to actually start connecting with others and to start even finding the words for the things that maybe they’ve been feeling for a long time, but haven’t yet actually shared with anyone? What do you think now, considering our technology and online communities, what are your recommendations for people who are really just starting to try and find the language?

Emily Bingham: FetLife can be a good place to start. Then you can see that you were not the weirdest person in the world. You’ll start looking at people’s profiles and be like, “I didn’t even know that that was a thing that people did. Oh, yeah. Me being into rope is nothing. I’m fine.” That’s a good place to go and lurk and see people. If you want to try to find communities, I think it’s one of the best places to go and join some groups and see where people are meeting in real life, and email with some people that you think might be fun or safe, and see if they’re going to go to an event and meet them there. 

I’ve been really spoiled by living in places where there are kink communities that are pretty open for a while, so I don’t really know what the experiences in other places. But I think FetLife is a good place to start. There’s a lot of books out there, too. You can just cruise around on Amazon or Google, whatever your fetish is. You can probably find someone who has a blog or a book about it.

Dawn Serra: Yeah, I think that that’s something that I find really fascinating is, I just recently got a question from someone – “Is it common for people to have fetishes about nuns and priests?” My answer was, if you go to any porn site and you put it in nun or priest, and more than one video shows up, then the chances are there’s lots of people who are into this. Just as a baseline. I had someone else write to me and say, “I get super turned on when my girlfriend where’s my hoodie, and I can pull on the laces. Is that weird?” It’s like, “No. I mean, if you can find erotic films or porn about it or erotica written about it, if people are talking about it on FetLife, the chances are, there are other people who are into no matter what it is.” Even something similar. It might not be the exact thing because some people have super specific fetishes and fantasies, but similar things. You’re so right. Just start poking around the edges of the internet, and you’re going to find people into all sorts of wonderful things. 

Emily Bingham: Yeah, what is the rule that if you can think about it, someone’s made porn about it on the internet or written fanfiction about it? It’s true. You can look up anything.

Dawn Serra: It totally is. God bless the internet for if nothing else is showing us, all of us have some type of interesting, weird thought and fantasy, and someone else has written about it.

Emily Bingham: As long as no one is being hurt by it, it’s not weird. If you want to watch porn about nuns and priests or playing with your girlfriend’s hoodie, that is fine. You’re not the weirdest person in the world. I promise. Unless you want to be in your personal world, then you are very weird, and go let your freak flag fly.

Dawn Serra: Exactly. For all the adventures you’ve had, all the modeling you’ve done, all the people you’ve met, are there any things that are still on your wish list that you haven’t tried yet or anything new that’s been interesting you lately that you haven’t yet had a chance to actually live out?

Emily Bingham: I mean, I would like to experiment more with fucking machines. I’ve still never ridden a Sybian. I’ve heard about those. I see those in porn, and I go, “I wonder how I could get into trouble with one of those.” So I think mostly just the high tech stuff, like all of the different electrical play and machines, and the weird high tech stuff I see in porn. That might be the only thing that I can think of that I haven’t done that I’m curious about.

Dawn Serra: Yeah, I’m super intrigued by fucking machines. Some of them these days are so elaborate and do so many different things. Of course, the Sybian, it’s what I’ve talked about wanting to try many times on the show. But I really think that Teledildonics and technology is going to be taking us interesting places. I’m looking forward to… I got a vibrator that syncs with your phone app. Then if your partner is in a different location, they can actually operate the toy. We’ve experimented with that a lot. But I have a feeling that’s just the beginning and that over the next 5, 10 years, we’re going to start having all kinds of yummy machines and toys and tech that can sync across distances, and we can start having all these really yummy sexual experiences anywhere. 

Emily Bingham: Yeah. We got to put all of this technology to use somehow. I actually talked with someone and helped them experiment with… They were doing Teledildonics for trying to get a strap on that could make you feel like you had a dick if you didn’t have a dick. So for gender queer people or women who wanted to know what it feels like when the strap on is actually in someone. There’s someone out there working on that, and I got to work on a prototype. That’s an adventure that I don’t think I have out on the internet. But yeah, I’ll tell you about it here. Exclusive, yes. They are working on Telendildonics for strap ons so that you can actually feel like you have the dick.

Dawn Serra: That would be amazing. That would be so freaking amazing. Oh, my god. I would want to try it.

Emily Bingham: Even with the prototype, where I just had this weird probe inside of me, and it was programmed so that when different parts of the vagina got stimulated, it would go on to the strap on. I don’t understand technology. I’m not into that. I don’t understand how computers work. I’m very basic. I understand rope. But he was trying to explain this whole thing to me. I was like, “I don’t know just keep touching my dick.” It was amazing how after 20 seconds of wearing it, you just get used to it. You start to understand the sensations, and your mind just lets you know that you now have a dick even though you know you don’t. So it’s super fascinating. I’m so excited to see where we go with all of this technology because I would love to have a strap on that actually felt like something.

Dawn Serra: Oh, my god. Me too. That would be so hot.

Emily Bingham: I might never stop trying to stick my strap on into things consensually.

Dawn Serra: “Well, hello sexy partner. I know you’re doing the dishes, but guess what?” 

Emily Bingham: I will rub this on you.

Dawn Serra: That’s right. ‘Cause I can feel it.

Emily Bingham: I already to that and I don’t have a dick. So yeah.

Dawn Serra: Oh, the trouble we could get into. 

Emily Bingham: Hopefully, in a couple of years, we can talk about all of the trouble we got into with our Teledildonic dicks.

Dawn Serra: Yes. Oh, my gosh. I hope that is a future episode.

Emily Bingham: I would listen to that.

Dawn Serra: Well, we are almost at the end of our hour. I would love it if you would share with everyone where they can find the book, and how they can stay in touch with you online, and potentially get in touch if they’re in the Portland area and want to get some rope lessons.

Emily Bingham: My website, which I just updated and made all super fancy and pretty again, is emilyerotica.com. You can find all of the anthologies that I’ve been in. A lot of them from Cleis Press. Those are all listed there. My book, unfortunately, is in the Erotica Dungeon on Amazon, which is not as exciting as it sounds. You can actually search for it on Amazon. So the link for my book is also on my site, and you can buy it on Amazon or on powells.com. And yeah, if you want lessons, you can learn more about that there, too.

Dawn Serra: Well, I will have links of course to the book, and also to Emily’s website at dawnserra.com for this episode. If you have any thoughts, questions or stories you want to share, you can use the contact form to send those over to me. Emily, thank you so much for coming on the show and talking about your experiences and your book and our mutual hope of feeling strap ons because that was amazing.

Emily Bingham: I’m so glad you have me, and I love to be in here. Thanks. 

Dawn Serra: You’re welcome. So to everyone listening, thank you so much for tuning in. I can’t wait to talk to you next week. Be sure to go check out all of Emily’s deliciousness including “Diary of a Rope Slut.” I will talk to you soon. Bye.