Interested in supporting the show? Well, now you can! Just head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast and you can pledge anything from $1 and up. I would ADORE the support.

This week it’s just you and me, working our way through some rad listener questions.

Dave wrote in with one of the best complimentary emails I’ve ever received AND threw a few bucks my way on Patreon.

Lala just found out she has HPV. She’s brand new to dating after divorce and spending many years focusing on her kids, and she wants to know – is her sex life over? Can she find romance and love and great sex if she has HPV? I have so many thoughts, including checking out Ella Dawson and Ashley Manta as rockin’ folks to follow who have amazing sex lives while navigating the world with an STI.

Lovely J listens to the show with her honey. They can’t remember the name of an author I recommended a while back (it was most likely Barbara Carrellas). Also, Lovely J is an inexperienced Dominant and her partner really wants her to dominate them. She’s read some books, but how can she get some hands-on practice at being a dominant? My number 1 recommendation is Midori’s Forte Femme weekend intensive.

It IS possible to be a very effective, very sexy Dominant without it looking like the standard trope of a Domme you see on TV or at kink events.

Jude is a white, middle-class woman who is new to learning about sex work. How can she learn more about why people choose sex work and what it’s all about?

It’s critical to turn to sex workers themselves for their stories, for the lived nuance. All my book recommendations to Jude are below in the resources area.

Frank wrote in needing help finding a way to get his wife to give him a blowjob. The advice will be disappointing, but it’s the best I can offer when it comes to wanting something sexually from another human being. You have to be willing to talk about it – openly and without expectation or pressure.

Kacey wants to know how common it is for women to have hair on their faces, cleavage and chest. Hirsutism can be caused by loads of things, and it’s relatively common. Plus, there are so many women who are unabashedly embracing their rad beards and body hair and still having amazing sex lives and finding love. The Go Ask Alice article I mention in the episode is linked down below.

Finally, K is having an issue with a butt plug. They can have anal sex just fine, but when you use an anal plug, it hurts on the out motion. What can they do? I have some thoughts. Yay butt stuff.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It’s true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

Resources discussed in this episode

“Ecstasy is Necessary” by Barbara Carrellas

“Urban Tantra” by Barbara Carrellas

“Coming Out Like a Porn Star” by Jiz Lee

“$pread: The Best of the Magazine that Illuminated the Sex Industry and Started a Media Revolution” by Feminist Press

“Truth, Justice, and the American Whore” by Siouxsie Q

TheWhoresOfYore.com by Kate Lister

Go Ask Alice’s response to a woman with a hair issue

About Dawn Serra

Sex is a social skill. I speak it. I write it. I teach it. I help you learn how to develop it.

I am the creator and host of the laughter-filled, no-holds-barred weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real. I lecture at colleges and universities on sex and relationships, too.

When I’m not speaking and teaching, I also work one-on-one with clients who need to get unstuck around their pleasure and desire.

But it’s not all work! In my downtime, I can often be found watching an episode of Masterchef Australia, cooking up something delicious, or adventuring with my sexy AF husband.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

1. Listen and subscribe on iTunes
2. Check us out on Stitcher
3. Don’t forget about I Heart Radio’s Spreaker
4. Pop over to Google Play
5. Use the player at the top of this page.
6. Now available on Spotify. Search for “sex gets real”.
7. Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.

Hearing from you is the best

Contact form: Click here (and it’s anonymous)

Episode Transcript

Dawn Serra: You’re listening to (You’re listening) (You’re listening) You’re listening to Sex Gets Real (Sex Gets Real) (Sex Gets Real) Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra (with Dawn Serra). Thanks, bye!

Hey you! It is time for another episode of Sex Gets Real. Today is the DC Pride Parade. I saw Dylan, pictures, and so many friends. Two very dear friends of mine got engaged today on Pride. So I just want to wish everyone who is celebrating Pride around the world, a very, very happy and enjoyable time. I am so sad to be missing out. But you know what I’m not sad about? The fact that it’s so fucking hot in DC. It’s a nice beautiful 66 degrees here in Vancouver. It was a perfect day to be hanging out at the park and going to the market, but I do so very much miss DC pride. 

Dawn Serra: I also just want to do a huge, huge thank you to Tracy, who pledged $20 to support the show, which is so very appreciated, as are all the pledges I’ve been getting from each and every one of you at every level, from $1 all the way up. It genuinely does make a huge difference. If you want to support the show, you can go to patreon.com/sgrpodcast. You can check out all the different pledge levels and decide how you want to help support me to keep doing the show. Of course, you can also get access to that super special extended edition chat that I had with Dylan a few weeks ago, all about her very sexy play parties and shenanigans. I’ve got juicy things down the road, additional special bonus episodes, and some live chats. So be sure to head over to patreon.com/sgrpodcast, and if you’ve got it throw a few bucks my way. 

I also just wanted to say I got the most amazing email from Dave. The subject line is, “Thank you for such a great podcast.” It says, “I am happy I can provide a little support via Patreon. I really wanted to find some place with information that would be useful and relevant to my wife and I, and your podcast is unique. There are a few people who sound like they have good ideas, but their inability to present them in a focused manner makes listening an exercise in frustration. There’s an endless number of podcasts which combine the least enjoyable elements of porn and radio DJs trying way too hard to be funny. I’ve listened to you a couple of times and holy crap, an adult who talks to people like adults without putting air quotes around words like fat, anxiety, trauma, as if they’re too dangerous to be used without those quotes to keep them locked up. Thank you, thank you, thank you for putting your podcast up. I hope that this small token of support I can provide at least let you know that there are probably another hundred or thousand people out there you are making such a difference for. So thank you again. P.S. Really, thank you. Dave.” Yay! Dave, thank you for the kind words and the thoughtful email and for supporting the show on Patreon. It’s amazing and I welcome it. 

Dawn Serra: Today, it’s just going to be you and me. I have a backlog of listener emails, so I wanted to get to a handful of them today. We are going to start with one from Lala, and the subject line is, “Death sentence, so to speak.” “I’ve been divorced for seven years, separated two years before that. I waited six years to start dating again because I wanted to be a mom, first and foremost, to my four wonderful kids. I’ve only had two partners since I started dating, and now I just got the news that I have HPV. My pap was clear. Thank god, no cancer. But still, I have this feeling of disgust and betrayal because I am a hopeless romantic, who had hoped to find love only to have this happen. I’ve done the research, but does this mean my sex life is over? Lala.” 

Dawn Serra: Oh, thank you so much for asking this. I know lots of listeners have HPV or are partnered with people who have HPV. This is not a death sentence. Your sex life is not over, and in fact It’s a wonderful thing that you know that you have this because so many people don’t. Lots and lots of people actually carry the HPV virus and either because they’ve never gotten tested for it or they’ve never had symptoms and thought to get tested, they don’t know that they’re carrying it. Which is one of the reasons why HPV is actually really, really prevalent. The likelihood that you are going to acquire HPV if you are sexually active throughout your adult life is something like 60 or 70%. 

Rates of HPV are incredibly high. It’s just part of being someone with an active sex life in this day and age. As long as you are aware of it and you can communicate that with partners, using barriers, totally not a huge deal. It’s something that’s really common. More and more people are becoming very, very aware of the different types of STIs that all of us have an opportunity to potentially acquire or already have. So having something like this is super common. More and more people are getting educated about it. 

Dawn Serra: What I would recommend to you Lala is just arming yourself with some basic information about the best ways to maintain your own health, the best ways to protect a partner, and also practice having the conversation with yourself of actually sharing with a partner that you have HPV. There are lots and lots of people out there who aren’t going to see this as a reason not to sleep with you. Now, that said, there are lots of people who potentially are going to be really shitty and potentially reject you. But there’s so many reasons we get rejected. I mean, from the way we look, to the way we smell, to the way we talk and our mannerisms, to whether or not we have something like HPV. 

So it’s not the end of your sex life. Because for all of the people who are interested and open to dating people who are in bodies with disabilities or who are in fat bodies or who are in other types of bodies that are outside the mainstream, there are just as many people who either have HPV or who understand what it means and are absolutely going to be open to dating you and sleeping with you. The important thing is just knowing that the first couple of times you go to have this conversation, it’s probably going to feel really terrifying, and also feel ridiculously awkward. But the more you do it, the easier it gets. It’ll just get to a point where it’s not a huge deal. In fact, if you ever run into somebody who does shame you for knowing your status or who treats you like crap and disrespects you, trust me, you’ll reach a point where, “You know, this is a human being, I, in no way, want in my life, much less potentially in my body, so FU. I’m finding somebody who knows how to have these types of adult conversations. And it’s clearly not you.” 

Dawn Serra: You should definitely check out Ella Dawson. She had a fantastic TED talk all about learning that she had herpes. She’s now become a herpes activist and advocate. She regularly speaks out against the stigma around having herpes and helps to educate people. She has all kinds of wonderful blog posts on how to have graceful conversations around disclosing. She’s gotten to the point now where if someone even gives her any kind of side eye about it, she just moves on because there’s lots of other people that aren’t going to give her grief or make her feel like shit. Also, sex educator Ashley Manta. She has done a lot of talking out about navigating sex with herpes. 

I think, turning to people who are sex educators and activists who have navigated this path now, who have found ways to actually have these conversations, both of them have very, very active, healthy, open sex lives. They disclose regularly, obviously, because they’re all over the internet educating. So use them as models for people who know how to have this conversation and who are in no way suffering a loss of love or sex or respect because of their status. And that absolutely can be you. 

Dawn Serra: Educate yourself, find some role models that can help you learn how to have these conversations, and just to know that you are worthy and lovable and sexy and desirable and wonderful, with or without HPV. This, in no way, changes your value, your worth, what you bring to the table. It does not lessen what you bring to the table. You do not need to compromise because someone is tolerating you and your status. You get to demand amazing, healthy relationships and sex partners who know how to have these conversations and aren’t scared off by it. 

I think it has to start with you and doing just a little bit of practice, giving yourself some time to grieve – if that’s what’s coming up for you – and/or to feel angry and betrayed, like you mentioned in your email. But know that there is so much hope. This is so common. It is not something that is tiny percentage of people out there are experiencing. Find Ashley Manta’s work. Definitely check out Ella Dawson. She is so unapologetic about all her rad work, and good luck. 

Dawn Serra: The next email is from a listener named Lovely J. It says, “Podcast info question.” “Hi, Dawn. First off, I fucking love your show. My honey and I listened to it yesterday in the car while we were on our way from Kernville, California to Fresno. I’m messaging you because we were driving, we were unable to write down the author you spoke of with a book. I know her first name was Barbara, and that the book was something about different orgasms or something like that. I’d love to know as we are always looking for new material to read together to continue our ten year sexual exploration. 

Also, I’m a very inexperienced domme and in the learning process. My honey craves this domme experience desperately, and I’m struggling to give this to him as a domme is not in my nature. I’m most definitely a passive go with the flow girl. Where do you suggest one get an education on the how of this? I’ve tried reading books, but I’m thinking I need some hands on because I’m just not getting it. Any help or suggestions would be most appreciated. I’m addicted to your show after just one episode, and being 45 now and having some fun out there, I’m learning a whole hell of a lot. So thank you. Lovely J.” 

Dawn Serra: Thank you so much for listening to the show. I love that you listen to this with your honey. Then it gives you an opportunity to get curious and talk about it together. I hope so, so many of you who are listening do that as well. Listening to something like this and sharing it with a partner can be such an amazing way to start having conversations that you never thought you could have. Because it gives you this third party talking about topics that you can get curious about. And that can be a lot less threatening to people, especially folks who are new to having open sexual conversations. It’s less about you and more about this other person who said this thing, and now you can talk about it. So I love that you listen to this together, Lovely J. 

The first thing I want to say is about the book. My guess is, if I said Barbara, that I was talking about Barbara Carrellas. Her last name is CARRELLAS. She has two different books. The first is “Urban Tantra,” which is a ridiculously inclusive approach to Tantra. It’s great if you’re trans or non-binary, if you’ve got body dysphoria, if you have… God, all kinds of different bodies or different disability, if you’re fat, whatever it is. Tantra tends to be pretty inaccessible. It tends to be just for folks who identify as male and female, who are very able-bodied, who are very flexible. And Barbara’s work is so beautifully inclusive. 

Dawn Serra: But my guess is the book that you’re asking about is “Ecstasy is Necessary.” That book is all about all these different ways that you can achieve ecstasy and pleasure. Barbara talks about thinking herself off and having mental orgasms and breath-gasms, and cry-gasms and laughter-gasms – all these different ways to have these enormous, explosive, pleasurable experiences that we tend to think of… Or rather, that we don’t tend to think of because we’re so focused on sex as the path to ecstasy. Of course, sex and BDSM and kink are certainly part of ecstasy and many people’s paths. But this book that Barbara wrote, “Ecstasy is Necessary,” is an awesome read, if you’re looking for just lots of different ways to tap into, creatively, ecstasy and pleasure.  

For your second question about being an inexperienced domme, something that I learned from Midori, who is someone I’m going to actually recommend to you, is you say, “I’m a passive, go with the flow girl.” The type of domination that we see portrayed in porn, in mainstream media is not the only way to be a dominant. It tends to be a very small sliver of what’s possible when it comes to domination. 

Dawn Serra: Domination can be any version of you being expressed in a very confident way. If you want to go with the flow and just let things unfold, there is absolutely a way to tap into that very powerful, grounded, shoulders back, centered version of yourself that is still your version of a dominant. I know one of the things that can be such a trap is when one partner so wants this one type of experience, they have a specific picture in their head of what kind of fantasy or experience they want. But when you add a second person or more, you suddenly now have multiple visions for how this thing could play out. The really creative place, which is also sometimes the place where people end up getting really stuck in in pain, is how do we make these different versions of this fantasy come to life? 

He might have a vision in his head of this very active, bossy, super planned version of a dominant, and your version of a dominant might be very go with the flow, let’s see what happens, kind of setting a loose container, and then playing within it. That is just as valid of a domination experience as the other kind. 

Dawn Serra: You get to find your way of stepping into what a dominant looks like and feels like. Then your honey gets to have their ideas and their fantasies and their desires, and they may not look exactly the same. Then you get to play in a space where you try to find where some of those things overlap, and then create something yummy. 

Now, if you’re looking for hands on experience or in-person experience, certainly any local kink groups or kink clubs may have some people willing to do mentoring. Midori actually has a weekend retreat. That’s three days, and it’s for women. I believe it’s trans inclusive, but it’s specifically for women. It’s called ForteFemme. You can go to fortefemme.com. I will have a link for this episode or on this episode for dawnserra.com. So ForteFemme. She has two that are already sold out, coming up in the next couple of months. But she’s got a three-day ForteFemme in San Francisco in August, and then a three-day in New York in October. That is an incredibly intense, beautiful experience with a group of people who spend the whole three days finding your way to teasing out your version of dominance and really stepping into your power, in your own way. 

Dawn Serra: That’s one of the things that I love so much about Midori’s approach. She is not trying to make everyone her type of dominant. She wants every single woman who attends to become her own version of a dominant. All of the people there might have very different versions of that. It’s about nurturing that and celebrating those differences, and bringing them to life and feeling confident about it. She said that it’s appropriate from folks who are brand new beginners, all the way up to people who have been doing pro-domme work for 20, 30 years and just need a refresh and to reconnect. So definitely check that out.

Also, if you are in a place, I have an idea that you’re in California. I know Andre Shakti, for example, is in California. Hiring someone like Andre to teach you or to co-domme with you in a scene could be absolutely fantastic. If you were to work with someone like Andre or another sex worker who specializes in domination, and you make it clear, either that you want to be mentored by them during your time together or that you would like to observe them or learn from them during the scene, all you have to do is negotiate that with them around their rates and how long it would be. 

Dawn Serra: But that is someone whose job is to do this. People pay them for these experiences of being dominated. That could be such a powerful, powerful way for you to actually be in the space, experience the energy, try it on a little bit, bounce ideas off of someone who you’re paying them for their time. That shows respect and also you respect their expertise and their experiences. 

I think those are probably the two best places. There are some other classes you can find around domination and submission. But what I would recommend for you Lovely J is finding a mentor or finding someone like Midori or a sex worker like Andre who can really help you find your version of bringing this out of yourself. That way, it’s not you putting on someone else’s costume. That’s never going to feel like it fits. It’s not going to be you trying to force yourself into something that you’re not. There is absolutely a part of you that knows how to step and breathe into that power. It might be very quiet and passive and look very, very calm. It might not be super rigid, but it can be just as intense or just as scary to come from that place than to come from that very active, forward version of domination. 

I hope that gives you some help. Definitely check out Barbara’s book. Thank you so much for listening to this with your honey. I love that so much. 

Dawn Serra: Jude wrote in. The subject line is, “References about sex work.” It says, “Dear Dawn, I just discovered your podcast a few weeks ago, and it’s been amazing listening to all the interviews, listener questions, and discussions. Your podcast has challenged me in many ways. So thank you for this. 

I’ve listened to quite a few episodes about sex work, and I’d love to dig into that topic more. Being a privileged, middle class, white woman, I’d like to become more familiar with this industry – why people go into sex work and their experiences. I feel like, so far, I’ve heard about very enthusiastic porn performers or victims of sex trafficking. I’d like to know more about other experiences and situations. I checked the references page on your website, but I didn’t find anything related to sex work. Do you have any good recommendations in terms of books or blogs where I could educate myself more? Thank you so much for your time and for being such an inspiring woman. Jude.” 

Dawn Serra: Yay for asking about sex work! The number one thing that I want to stress when it comes to learning about sex work, is making sure that you’re going to the source. So finding books by sex workers, finding anthologies filled with stories from sex workers. What we don’t want is to go to people who are talking on behalf of sex workers. I also think you might find Kitty Stryker’s interview on Sex Gets Real super interesting. She was on Episode 138. Kitty actually has some very nuanced views of sex work, capitalism, porn that I think you might find really interesting. 

As for books, I would definitely recommend checking out Jiz Lee’s anthology called “Coming Out Like a Porn Star.” That is an enormous anthology with collections from sex workers about coming out about their sex work or not. There’s so much nuance in the book. It’s a really interesting look into why people choose it, and then how it is to navigate coming out about it to friends to family, the impact that that has on them, the fears. 

Dawn Serra: I would also recommend checking out the book, ”Spread.” There was a sex worker-run magazine out of New York City for several years called “Spread.” All of the contributions to that magazine were by sex workers, for sex workers. There are lots and lots and lots of essays in that book about the highs, the lows, why people would choose it. It also talks about a great variety of sex work, from stripping and camming, to working on the street or being an escort and a pro-domme to a porn performer. There are literally thousands of different ways that you can be a sex worker. So finding a place that offers lots of variety, I think, is super important. 

Siouxsie Q just published a book, I think within the last six months, and checking out her book is a collection of essays from her weekly column in a San Francisco newspaper, where she talks a great deal about being a sex worker, and what it’s like to actually date while being a sex worker and why she chose to go into sex work. So that’s another place. 

Dawn Serra: But I would say definitely check out “Spread.” Definitely check out “Coming Out Like a Porn Star.” Melissa Febos wrote a book that’s about being a pro-dom at 19 and what that was like. Antonia Crane just published a book recently called “Spent,” that’s all about being a stripper and a sex worker. That’s a very intense story of her life and what that was like. So seek out books by porn stars, by sex workers. Definitely check out nonprofit’s like HIPS or Red Umbrella Project. Of course, Kate Lister, who is the “Whores of Yore” creator. She’s a historian from the UK that focuses a lot on sex work. She just started a new website within the past couple of months for “Whores of Yore” and all of the contributions to that website are by sex workers. So I definitely think that’s a great place to go. I have so many other ideas, but I think that’s at least a really good jumping off point. 

Then I would recommend for people like Andre Shakti, Kitty Stryker, Jiz Lee, all of the contributors to “Spread,” and then the enormous list of names that are in “Coming Out Like a Porn Star,” and Siouxsie Q, following these folks as they write and share their stories, and also see who they link to, the articles that they share on social media could be a really powerful way to also expand your knowledge and see what’s really relevant. What’s it like when things happen in politics in the news? What are sex workers saying about the actual lived experience of what that means for them? I think that can be a really, really interesting way to also stay on top of what’s important to sex workers from their own mouths, rather than allowing others to dictate for them their truths and the nuance behind so many of their lives. 

Dawn Serra: Thank you so much for being curious about this and for recognizing your own story, and wanting to seek this information out. I love it. And thank you so much for listening to the show, Jude. I hope that was super helpful. I would love to hear back as you do some learning.

Kacey wrote in with the subject line of “Hairy question.” “Hi, Dawn. I’m a longtime listener of your podcast. I would like to thank you for the great work that you do. I’ve learned so much about sexuality and I’ve shed lots of social expectations, thanks to your glorious content. My question is not sex related per se, but it’s something that I struggle with that makes me insecure when having sex or attempting to be sexy. I’m wondering how common it is for extra body hair on women – in the face, cleavage, and chest/breast area. What are ways that women actually treat this successfully – black, brown and white? What about women who embrace it? Are their kink communities where women are lusted after for their hairy bodies? 

Dawn Serra: Just a few days ago I discovered two women who are unapologetically hairy. They’ve embraced it to the point that they are both rocking beards. That’s right! Chicks with beards. I know a small percentage of the population suffers with hirsutism–” I hope that’s how you say that, but whatever I’m drinking wine. “But is that the only cause? It’s difficult to find more information on the topic because most women are silent sufferers. I thought I was the only one for years, and as a result was majorly depressed. I was relieved to learn that other women endure the hairy struggle, too. I hope you have some insight on this or are able to invite a fiercely, bold, hairy lady to roll around in this topic with you. Thank you for your time and attention. Best regards, Kacey.” 

Thank you so much for writing in with us, Kacey. I know lots of people in lots of different types of bodies have big feelings about their lack of hair or their abundance of it, and everything in between. I’m actually rocking some hairy legs right now. So there you go. I turned to a very helpful post on Go Ask Alice! for a little bit of help around this. I would absolutely love to have an expert who lives in a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful body that is also tremendously hairy and countercultural, and just saying like, “Fuck you, and, all of your hairy/non-hairy expectations and standards.” I will do my best to find a guest like that for the very near future. But in the meantime, I will link to this Go Ask Alice! article on dawnserra.com. So make sure you check it out. It’s a really helpful just jumping off point. 

Dawn Serra: There are lots of different things that can cause hair growth for folks who have XX chromosomes. It can be things like PCOS – Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome – which is really common, and it causes increased androgen production. Any kind of adrenal gland issue or ovarian issue that can increase androgen production. Anorexia can impact you if you have an underactive thyroid, which is known as hypothyroidism. There’s lots of different medicines that can actually cause increased hair growth. Then for a lot of people, it’s just how you are. It’s sensitivity to testosterone or having too much testosterone. Those are a lot of the things that are responsible for hair growth, especially if it’s more darkly pigmented. 

Of course, if you want to remove it, there are so many different options these days for hair removal. And it’s totally your choice if that’s something you want to do. You can do waxing. You can pluck it, depending on how much time you want to spend doing it. You can do laser hair removal, which is so popular these days. A friend of mine actually, he had this terrible, terrible beard growth on his neck that caused tremendous ingrown hairs and cysts. He had all kinds of issues just because of how thick his hair was. It was growing down on his neck and under his chin. He got laser hair removal and has not had to deal with that now for years. I mean, he’s really happy. Definitely things to think about. Of course, you can bleach the hair if it’s darker, to try and hide it a little bit if you’re lighter-skinned.

Dawn Serra: But I think one of the things you have to decide is, is this something you want to embrace? Is this something that you don’t want to spend a lot of time and money dealing with so that you can just appreciate how your body is, even if it’s outside traditional norms for folks who are perceived as feminine. There are so many people that I know that are in relationships with women who could give a fuck about their hair. In fact, a lot of the people that you mentioned who have big beards, and they’re women, and they rock them on Instagram, and in fact, they’re activists about body hair, they are so partnered and so desired and so sought after. 

A big part of that is because they just say, “This is me and fuck you, to social expectations, who tell me I need to alter my body.” You have to decide if that’s an attitude that you can adjust or adopt. Of course, it’s not like if you decide to embrace your body here, you’re going to have all good days. It’s just like people who are fat activists or people who are disability activists. They’re going to be days when you really do think, “Fuck you. I’m wonderful. I love my hair. It’s different. It makes me unique. It helps me find people who are actually interested in me as a human being and not just this very superficial outer shell.” 

Dawn Serra: Then you’ll have days when somebody says something really shitty or you see something shitty written in the media or somebody’s making fun of somebody who didn’t shave and feel like crap, and question everything, and want to give up and want to shave. And that’s totally normal. That’s just what happens when you’re in any kind of body living any kind of experience outside of that super, super, super, super oppressive, narrow body norm that none of us can actually achieve. It’s just exhausting and ridiculous. 

Kacey, I think, for you, you just have some questions that you need to really ask yourself Also, know that what you decide now doesn’t have to be the thing that you decide for yourself later. Now, yes, laser hair removal, if you decide to do that now, is going to have long lasting effects. But again, it’s not as permanent as a lot of them would lead you to believe. You have to get touch up treatments and go back and have it redone in little spots over the months and years. You get to decide right now how you feel about it and what would make you feel best in your body. Then you got to change your mind down the road. You can be hairy now, play with it, see how it is. Then try no hair, try bleaching, try waxing, and then try hair again. 

Dawn Serra: I think the important thing is to surround yourself with people who are embracing their body hair. To not turn to mainstream media. This is true for people in fat bodies and disabled by bodies and older bodies and all kinds of different bodies. But for you, specifically, find people who are celebrating body hair, who aren’t shaving their armpits and aren’t shaving their legs and are totally confident and beautiful and embodied. Find women who have these beautiful beards, but they just rock the fuck out of. Give yourself permission to look at their pictures regularly, to write to them, to ask for solidarity, to find groups, and then try it on and see if that’s something you want to do. 

Because let me tell you, if you’ve got some hair on your chest and your breasts or on your face, and you aren’t trying to hide it or apologize for it, but you just say, “This is me. I’m rad,” the people who you meet are going to respond to your confidence so much differently than if you show up and you apologize for being different, and you tell them that you hope it’s okay or you’ll try to keep the lights on. That makes people really nervous. I know because I used to do it all the time trying to hide my body. And it makes people nervous because they aren’t sure what to do. They can tell you’re uncomfortable – “I don’t really know how to navigate this.” Whereas if it’s just like, “Hey, this is me. So check it out. Guess what? My body’s capable of amazing pleasure. I’d love to get to know your body and try and help you find lots of pleasure,” I mean, that sounds like a pretty awesome setup. 

Dawn Serra: Definitely follow those folks on Instagram that you found. Try and find articles, try and find groups that are really embracing anti-oppressive body politics, where you can celebrate your hair and other people can celebrate the things that are awesome and different and unique about them. And then have a heart to heart like where are you right now? Know that that might change, and that it’s super okay to change. Then play with that space. It can be so hard to be different in this world or to feel like you’re different, even if you’re really not that different. But let yourself be creative and curious and see what happens. So I hope that was helpful. Thank you so much for trusting me with this, Kacey, and super good luck.

Sometimes I get emails that are very challenging to read. Sometimes that’s because English is not someone’s first language. Other times, it’s because I suspect that it’s a very young person, like a preteen or a teen, trying to pretend to be an adult. Other times, I think it’s because people are just super nervous when they write in, and they are trying to just get their question out in a rush and make lots of errors that make it a little bit difficult for me to read and/or give me as little information as possible before hitting send and rushing through. And this is one of those messages. I don’t have a lot of information. There’s a whole bunch of typos. So I’m hoping that I’m getting it right. To Frank, who sent this in, thank you for trusting me with your question. It’s a short little question. Hopefully, I get you what you need. 

Dawn Serra: But here’s what it says. Frank says that he’s been married for three years, that he loves to eat his wife’s pussy, but he would love to have his wife return the favor. He’s wondering, “How do I get her to give me a blowjob, too?” The simple answer, the answer that you don’t want is, you ask for one. You talk about what they mean to you, and why you would enjoy one. You don’t pressure her. You don’t demand it. You don’t give her an ultimatum about it. But you say, “I would really love to feel your mouth on me.” Or, “I would really love to experience XYZ with you. What do you think about that?” You have an open, honest conversation, where you get vulnerable and say you want something. If she’s not interested, you find a way to create a safe container to actually ask her about her experiences with it. Is there a reason that she hasn’t done it? Is there something you can do to make it more interesting or fun for her? 

It’s a fine line to have an open conversation where you ask honest, curious questions without the expectation behind it, versus trying to manipulate her into performing the thing that you want. Or, making it seem like you want this from her even if she doesn’t want to give it to you. Because let me tell you, a blowjob from someone who doesn’t want to be giving you a blowjob feels terrible for everybody involved. 

Dawn Serra: Frank, I think it just really has to start with, you’ve been married for three years, and being able to have a conversation like this now is really, really important. Because if you don’t do it now and you wait 10, 15, 30 years, one, you could have been having blowjobs that entire time, and two, the amount of resentment and stress and frustration that builds up from you not saying the thing that you want and asking about it and having those conversations, it’s going to be tremendously more painful. These are the little things that build up over time and create toxic behaviors and abusive behaviors because you’re feeling so frustrated and unseen and not desired. 

I think it just has to start with, “I would really like this. I’d love to know what you think about it. What can I do to make this fun for you or interesting for you? Would you like to learn more about it? Do you want to experiment and play? What’s your past experience with it?” Then allow her to decide for herself whether or not it’s something she wants. And she’s allowed to say no. If she says no, then you get to talk to her about other fun things that you might do, like her using her spit with her hand or watching porn together or getting something like a fleshlight that simulates oral sex from a toy. 

Dawn Serra: Don’t let that be the end of the story. Allow that to be the beginning of exploring and asking questions and getting creative, so that you can find ways to create new situations and circumstances with your wife that feel really good without demanding, pressuring, alluding. You don’t want to just drop hints that’s very passive aggressive. What you want to do is start practicing having these conversations now because that means years and years down the road as a married couple, you’ll be so much more skilled at having conversations about all sorts of things. I hope that was helpful. Frank. Thanks so much for writing in and good luck. 

1. We have time for one last question for this episode. But of course, there’s hundreds more of you waiting, so keep listening and stay tuned. This last one is from K, and the subject line is, “Anal play.” “Hi, Dawn. I listen to your podcast all the time, and I think you give really great advice on just about everything. My issue is that my husband and I are relatively new to anal play with toys and we have a problem. When removing the toy, it is uncomfortable and painful, to the point we don’t get excited to play with the plug and have considered giving up entirely. We do have anal sex and that is comfortable both in and out. For our butt plug, we use a very soft rubber plug with lots of lube, please help.”

Dawn Serra: Well, first of all, it’s really common for the out part to be intense or ouchie. For others, it’s the in part or movement at all. I know, for me, it’s like get in and hold still for a really long time. Generally, when I use a plug, it’s an insert and leave there. There’s lots of different ways to use these toys. 

One of the things that first came to mind is that maybe the shape of the plug and/or the thickness of the plug is just not a really good fit for you and your body. Perhaps having an Njoy toy that is all steel and has a nice weight to it could be a much better fit for your body. Potentially, a hard plastic like Aneros, their prostate pleasure toys are these very, very hard ABS plastic that’s non porous, so that might be a better fit. Plugs tend to be fairly affordable in the 20 to 60 dollar-ish range. If you have it in your budget to try another material or another shape, also another depth and/or width, that might be helpful. 

Dawn Serra: I’m also wondering about the positioning and how long you’ve got the plug in when you’re playing with it. Are you reapplying lube as you’re going? Are you being stimulated in other ways when you’re using the plug? Are you using clit stimulation? Or, are you doing any cock stimulation when you’re using the plug to keep lots of blood flow and arousal happening there. I think it’s wonderful that you’re having anal sex, and that it’s comfortable in and out. Perhaps finding a plug or a toy that’s shaped a little bit more in that general penis-type shape would be a better fit for you too. 

But I think the important thing is, one, give yourself a break from pulling with the plug. Stick to fingers, stick to the anal sex, and just allow yourself to relax out of feeling stressed about this. Then try a different type of toy. Try different positions. There might be a position that makes moving the plug a different experience – from being bent over, to being on your back with your legs in the air or even on your side with a knee on a pillow. I’m sure you’ve tried a lot of these different things. The hard thing about advice for something like this is our bodies are all so different, that this exact same plug you have, a thousand people might have it and have a thousand different experiences with what it feels like for insertion and holding it in and trying in and out. I would also check your plug just to ensure that there’s no miniscule, little ridges or anything that might be catching that could be causing the pain. 

Dawn Serra: I’m also wondering if you just insert the plug and allow the fullness to be part of the play. Instead of an in and out motion, what if you just are plugged, and then you do other things? Is that enjoyable? Or, do you still have the problem when it comes time to remove? And are you pushing a little bit on the removal? That can be really helpful. When you’re doing an out motion, if you push a little bit, that can often give you just a little bit of relief and a little bit of space on that motion on the way out. 

I would definitely give that a try, and then see if any of those little changes and positions toys, maybe even a different lube – if maybe your lube is drying up. I wish I had more information, but I hope that at least just gives you a little permission to try some new things. But also know you don’t have to have a plug. It doesn’t have to be part of the repertoire of amazing things that you do with your butt. You can use your fingers, your mouth, your penis, a strap on. You can just put a vibrator on the area without even going inside and have tremendous stimulation and pleasure. 

Dawn Serra: If the plug isn’t working for you, you also get to just say, “Hey, this thing that works for a lot of people doesn’t work for me.” And that’s also really super OK. So good luck and enjoy all of your anal explorations. I know there are lots of people out there who either wish they could go on an exploration like that with their spouse and/or have been there before, too. Thank you so much, K, and good luck with the butt stuff. 

So that’s it for this week’s episode. I have an interview coming up with Black Sex Geek Superstar who organizes Poly Dallas each year, which is a big poly conference, of course in Dallas. She will be on in a few weeks talking all about polyamory and being black and the conference. We’re going to super geek out about relationships. I have a fascinating interview with Wendy Strgar coming up. She is the founder and creator of Good Clean Love lube and pleasure products. We talk all about pleasure and emotional intelligence and women who struggle with fantasies. So that’ll be super fun. 

I’m so ridiculously excited that in a couple of days, I’m interviewing Amarna Miller, who is a porn performer that appears in loads of Erika Lust’s videos, and also does work lots of other places. But I am so excited to talk to her about working with Erika Lust and doing porn. She has some really great videos that she’s put out about body autonomy and how porn fans are not allowed to tell her what to do with her body, even though they might enjoy watching her. It is still her life and her experience. So I think that will be a really fun chat and loads of other things lined up. 

Of course, if you want to learn more or write in yourself, you can go to dawnserra.com. All the resources mentioned in this episode will be there as well as a link to the Patreon, if any of you are ready to support with a few dollars. So thank you so much for listening, and I will talk to you next week.