This episode is sponsored by HotelsByDay. Save 5% with code SGR5off.

You are the first in the world to know that enrollment for the 2017 Explore More Summit is OFFICIALLY open. The summit is free, runs for ten days, and features interviews with SOO many incredible thought-leaders. You can sign-up at exploremoresummit.com. It’s been incredible creating these talks, so I hope you’ll check it out. It all starts March 8th, 2017.

And…

Because I’ve been conducting so so so many intense, deep interviews, I wanted to take a break and make this week nice and easy – you and me, powering through a ton of listener emails and keeping it casual and intimate.

So, what are we talking about this week?

Mike ALWAYS gives his wife an orgasm and the last three times they’ve had sex, she hasn’t cum. Will it happen again? What can he do? Deb is a bottom but her husband wants her to top him sometimes. Can she find a way to enjoy being dominant? Ali wants more information on how people become strippers. I’m not a sex worker, so I can’t speak to this, but I do reflect on some previous conversations with folks like Andre Shakti, Madison Young, Kitty Stryker.

Big Vulva wrote in about how she feels about the way her labia look and it’s wonderful. Plus, I get called out for an ageist comment, someone wants to know how common CFNM fantasties are, Mary wonders about whether anal sex will ever feel good for her, and can a porn addict husband be trusted to watch porn with his wife?

Oh, and if you’re looking for the details on submitting a listener confession, I created a guidelines page for you. February theme is surprises.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It’s true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

In this episode, I talk about:

• Explore More Summit 2017 is officially enrolling. See the line up for this year at exploremoresummit.com. YAY!!!!
• Orgasm goals and the pressure to cum. A listener is stressed that his wife hasn’t cum recently, but what about the pressure he is putting on her to cum every time? We have to let go of the goal and instead focus on the experience. Yes, orgasms are amazing, but don’t require your partner to do it. It’s selfish.
• Big Vulva wrote in about how she used to hate the way her labia looked and now she knows that her big, luscious pussy is actually a great thing. Vulva’s do not need to look like the ones you see in mainstream porn.
• Randy calls me out on something that sounded super ageist. Do I think grandparents don’t have sex?
• Why people become strippers – it’s not my question to answer, but I do offer some suggestions based on previous guests who have shared their stories.
• A simple question I received about how common CFNM (clothed female, nude male) fantasies are. Which I do not answer because there is a better question that is more helpful. It’s around community.
• A sweet thank you email from Lady CC about being a 46 year old woman who is just discovering her sexuality.
• Mary wants to know if anal will ever feel good to her because her husband really wants it. I recommend taking my anal 101 workshop (link below). Also, Mary mentioned anal numbing cream, but those can actually make things worse – you WANT to feel the discomfort and any pain so you can set limits and listen to your body.
• Deb is in a straight, monogamous marriage, but she is a bottom and her husband is a switch. So sometimes, he wants her to top him. Can she ever find a way to get turned on by being dominant? I suggest some resources by kink expert Midori, plus check out Princess Kali’s episode of the show.
• Minka’s husband was secretly watching porn and jerking off to the point where he stopped having sex with her, so they cut all porn out. But now Minka wants to try watching porn together as part of their sex life. Is that a bad idea? I have feelings.

Resources from this episode

Erika Lust’s EroticFilms.com is a great place to find loads of feminist, ethical erotic films. (I’m an affiliate, too!)

Siouxsie Q’s podcast, The Whorecast, which is all sex workers talking about their stories, experiences, and issues.

Check out my Anal 101 online workshop.

Tristan Taormino’s “The Ultimate Guide to Kink” which includes an awesome essay by Midori on FemDomme, female domination and how to get started.

ForteFemme.com – Midori’s website for her weekend intensive on female domination

Midori’s Facebook Live video on female domination. Check it out on Vimeo.

About Dawn Serra

In a world hellbent on making us feel like we aren’t enough, Dawn Serra is on a mission to rewrite the stories we’re told about sex, relationships, and our bodies.

Dawn is the creator and host of the laughter-filled, no-holds-barred weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real. She also teaches adult sex ed workshops online and in person, and works one-on-one with clients who need to get unstuck around their pleasure and desire.

When she’s not podcasting, lecturing, or writing about all of the ways we relate to each other, Dawn can often be found watching an episode of Hoarders, cooking up something delicious, or adventuring with her husband.

Dawn’s epic Explore More Summit is unfolding again now.

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Episode Transcript

Dawn Serra: You’re listening to (You’re listening) (You’re listening) You’re listening to Sex Gets Real (Sex Get Real) (Sex Gets Real) Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra (with Dawn Serra). Thanks, bye! 

Well, hello, everyone. Welcome to this week’s episode of Sex Gets Real. I am, of course, your host, Dawn Serra. This episode is coming out two days before Valentine’s Day. For a lot of you, it’s the shittiest holiday ever. For others of you, it might be something that you look forward to, and that’s a fun excuse to do something a little out of the ordinary or maybe an excuse to splurge. Not that we ever need one. I will be alone on Valentine’s Day. I’m desperately missing my sweetheart and working so hard to birth this year’s Explore More Summit, which brings me to a little exciting news. So the Explore More Summit has officially been announced for 2017 and it is going to start on March 8. You can go to exploremoresummit.com to see what I have been sweating and bleeding and sobbing over the past couple of weeks trying to birth. There are some amazing speakers set up for this year’s talk. It’s a 10-day event that’s totally free. If you signed up last year, and you stayed on the list, then you will be of course getting the updates. But be sure to go and make sure you’re signed up, check it out, see what’s going on. Of course, if you want to support the show, and you want to help me to be able to continue doing this super fun, incredible work, and to continue connecting with you, you can go to patreon.com/sgrpodcast. You can support at as low as $1, which is amazing and lovely. I love seeing your names come in. 

Dawn Serra: Also, this episode is sponsored by hotelsbyday.com whether it’s Valentine’s Day, or maybe it’s an escape from Valentine’s Day, maybe it’s an escape from the family, from your job. Maybe you have some super delicious erotica that you’ve been dying to write, but you haven’t been able to find the time. Get your day stay at hotelsbyday.com, of course, with 5% off for Sex Gets Real listeners with code SGR5Off for 5% off. So be sure you head over to their website and see what’s near you, because they have actually a pretty good selection of hotels in most of the major cities in the U.S. I think they have a couple internationally too. But I tell you, I just bought a pass to some co-working space near me, just so that I can get out of my house and actually interact with other human beings during the day. I am so tempted, one of these days, to grab myself a hotel room and ordering room service, and dive in deep to some projects that I’ve been wanting to do. So check it out for yourself and head over to Patreon. 

Of course, newsletter subscribers already know, February’s theme for confessions this month is surprises. I’m going to skip confessions this week, just because it’s going to be you and me. I have so many emails in my backlog and I wanted to try and power through as many of them as I could today. Not really like a speed round but close to it, so that I can share some appreciation and help answer some questions that have been pouring in. So we are going to jump right in. 

Dawn Serra: The first one is actually a really recent email and it comes from someone named Mike, and it says: “Dawn, I love your show. My wife and I have a great sex life. I usually deliver her an orgasm 100% of the time. The last three times I haven’t. She was on the verge of cumming than lost it and couldn’t get it back. The first time was intercourse where I came first, my bad. The second time I was fingering her trying to make her squirt for the first time and she lost it. And most recently, I was using a dildo on her. She recently had a major health scare. My concern now is that these last three times are in both of our heads. I was thinking about just using my tongue on her next time to keep it really basic. I’m upset that I haven’t delivered, as I love her very much and I want to satisfy her. I fear the next time we’ll be four in a row. Thanks for your time. Love ya, Mike.” 

Oh, god. I have so many thoughts on this, but I have so many emails to get through. Okay. All of you know at this point that as much as I love orgasms, and as much as I love cumming, and I am a huge fan of it myself. I also don’t understand the obsession with orgasm. Because it sets us up exactly for this situation. When we rely on orgasm, to measure our satisfaction, and to use it as some type of goal that we need to achieve in order to be successful, then we feel like failures when orgasm doesn’t happen. That’s not to say you can’t be frustrated when orgasm doesn’t happen. But what about all of the other things that are happening?

Dawn Serra: So one of the times was you were fingering her to try and make her squirt for the first time. Anytime you’re trying new skills, and exploring new parts of the body, you should expect very different responses. Also, G-spot stimulation and squirting can feel really different for different people. For me, squirting isn’t always actually pleasurable. So even though it’s a thing that might happen, it might not be something that actually is super enjoyable for me and other times it is. So that might be something that’s happening for your wife. You cumming first? I don’t think that’s necessarily a terrible thing. Why does she always have to be the one that comes first? If you’re having intercourse and you cum first, then who’s to say you can’t continue the super sexy time with toys and fingers and mouth, and a really yummy erotic massage to raise the levels of arousal again? 

Yes, orgasms can be a head game. So if we’re stressed, if we’re worried, if we’re pressured, it’s much more difficult for an orgasm to happen. But feeling like you have to deliver one every single time, I wonder what kind of pressure must your wife feel knowing that you feel like the only way to “deliver” and knowing also that you are this upset, is going to be pressure that she internalizes. Because she’s going to feel like if she doesn’t cum, you’re going to feel upset, you’re going to feel like a failure, you’re going to feel like you didn’t “deliver”. And that’s tremendous pressure for anybody to be on under and then our bodies have trouble performing in that model. So I would encourage you, Mike, to actually take orgasm off the table. What are some ways that the two of you can connect and reconnect, and try new things and have some new sensations that are outside of your normal wheelhouse? If she recently had a major health scare, she may be relating to her body in a new way. So how can the two of you get to know that new version of her? Where are her fears and insecurities? What kind of stress is she under? Maybe a really long massage would feel really good, maybe showering together and using the shower head on her could feel amazing. Maybe she’s not ready to orgasm and she’s afraid to tell you that, because she knows how much you want it and expect it of her. Maybe she wants to just enjoy the pleasure without having to have an end goal. 

Dawn Serra: So I think the right thing to do here would be to have some really honest conversations with her about how you can maximize pleasure and connection without any of the pressure, the expectation, or the goals. Because to me, what I’m hearing is a whole lot of pressure and goals. And that when I think about sex, doesn’t sound very fun. So I hope that you and your wife use this as an opportunity to have some new conversations and to savor each other and enjoy each other without feeling like you have to perform at a certain level. I hope that for all of us. Let’s just take the pressure off and instead, do what feels really good. Even if it doesn’t fit our expectations. Thank you so much for listening, Mike, and for writing in. I wish you the very best of luck. I am going to keep powering through. 

I got an email from someone called Big Vulva. It’s not a question, but it is a share that I just wanted to make sure I got out there and it says “No more embarrassing vulva lips.” “Hi, Dawn. I love the show. Needless to say, you’re amazing.” Thank you. “You had someone write in an episode about a woman who hated her vulva lips and she was embarrassed by the way her vagina looked. I’m a 24 year old woman who’s been sexually active since I was 16. In these eight years, I’ve always hated the way my vulva looked, solely due to the fact that I have really big inner labia. My experiences with seeing other women’s bodies was simply from porn. And let me tell you, it was the worst thing to see these tiny teeny pussies that the men seemed to love. Having that image always in the back of my mind, I always hated the look of my vulva.”

Dawn Serra: “One of my exes even asked me why I had such big lips, to which I had no response. It made me feel even worse. I’ve been dating this guy for almost a year. When I told him about my emotions about my vajayjay, he was shocked. He said he loves the way my vulva looks. He loves my inner labia, and how meaty and juicy it is, and he can’t get enough. I want that listener to know from someone who has been battling this inner conflict – the person who loves you will love the way your vulva looks and feels too. Porn is not the norm. Love your body and the right person will not even second guess how good you look.” 

I couldn’t agree more. Whether it’s our labia or our penises, or testicles, or our boobs, where there’s hair around the nipples, or whatever it is. Our bodies are so diverse and rich and different. There is no normal. There is no standard. They are all built for pleasure and sensation. When we’re struggling to accept ourselves, it’s nice to know that there’s people out there who will accept us. And that can often help us find the acceptance in ourselves. So thank you so much for writing in Big Vulva. I love that your boyfriend adores your big meaty, juicy pussy. I know Dylan would very, very much approve. 

Dawn Serra: So I got an email from Randy. The subject line is “Did you really say that?” So let’s find out what I got in trouble for: “Hi, Dawn. First of all, I’m a huge fan and I’ve been listening to the Sex Gets Real podcast for a while. Please pass along my regards to Dylan.” I will. “I was listening to podcast 143, where you were talking with Sarah Pappalardo from Reductress and about a half an hour into the program you offhandedly said, ‘There should be a tag, ‘Not for grandma.’ Now, I understand wanting to filter information about our sex lives from our family, but I hope you weren’t slamming or excluding seniors about being interested in sexual matters. If so, I think you need to talk with my friend Joan Price again, just saying that as a person who is old enough to have grandchildren. I hope that wasn’t a backhanded dismissal. You’ll get to my age soon enough. Regardless, I continue to find your work and your podcast extremely valuable. And you are one of my favorite sex educators. Keep up the great work and thanks for letting me be a bit of a grumpy old guy.”

Thank you so much for writing in, Randy. I super appreciate it. I went back and I listened and You’re so right. That was absolutely within the context of Sarah talking about some of the super inappropriate things that Reductress puts out – like wearing your boyfriend’s cum inside you when you meet his parents for the first time, and not wanting your family members to come across some of this. So that was absolutely not a slam against folks of any age. Because we definitely know that you can have incredible delicious, nasty fucking sex into 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond – that’s actually something I’m so excited about.

Dawn Serra: I hope that’s my story. I hope that my story is that when I’m in my 80s or 90s, assuming I make it that long – that I’m still super connected with my body and having amazing pleasure. But I appreciate you sharing your concern with me because you’re right. We shouldn’t discount the sexual experiences and the desirability, and the yumminess that is being in a body of any age. I hope that listeners who are tuning into the show who are in their 60s, 70s, and 80s feel inspired to have all kinds of yummy sex and to have it be whatever kind of sex you want it to be. That’s true for any of us. So I definitely appreciate the call out and I’m glad I had a chance to clarify. Sometimes it can be awkward having those conversations with our own family members. But yes, I just want to make sure all listeners know that no matter what your age is – young or old – sexual expression and sex is something that I just hope for all of us if that’s what we want. So thank you so much, Randy. 

So I got a text message from someone named Allie, and it says: “Hey, Dawn. My name is Allie. I just wanted to say that I’m a huge fan of your podcast. I was wondering if you could elaborate some more on strippers. I believe that there are many misconceptions that are made in regards to how these men and women enter the adult industry, and sex work. Thank you and I look forward to your next podcast.” 

Dawn Serra: Thank you so much for listening, Allie. I certainly don’t want to speak on behalf of sex workers. But I know that from talking to sex workers, like Andre Shakti, and Madison Young, and Kitty Stryker, and so many others that haven’t been on the show, that like any job, people enter into various forms of sex work for lots of different reasons. But we live in a capitalist society where we need to be able to make money in order to survive. And sex work is no different from any other job. So some people go into it because it looks fun. Some people go into it because they don’t have any other choice. Some people stumble into it through a series of interesting events. 

Like any job, whether we’re talking about being a social media marketer, or a bus driver, or waiter at a high end restaurant or at a really cheap restaurant – there’s good parts and bad parts of any industry, including stripping and sex work. So of course, there are going to be places where abuse happens, and where consent isn’t really present. But they’re also going to be super amazing experiences. I know so many people who do burlesque and it’s literally a trauma healing experience to be able to share their body in a sex positive space, and maybe make a little bit of money from some tips. So I do think there’s a stigma around people who go into stripping and porn, and sex work that they’re somehow broken or traumatized or on drugs. It’s not to say that that isn’t true for some people, but it’s not the whole story. 

Dawn Serra: I can’t speak to the reason that strippers start stripping. Because that’s just this global statement. That doesn’t make any sense. But when we listen back to older episodes, and we hear how Andre and Kitty and Madison, and all of these other amazing people got started in their work of stripping or erotic modeling, or pornography, they all have really unique stories. So I think that’s the thing that we need to remember, is that there’s all different reasons that people end up in this. Some of them are very healthy and empowered. Some of them are kind of… I mean, shit. There’s abuse of conditions in most corporate spaces I know because I was there for 17 years and experienced lots of terrible things like misogyny and sexism. Some people are in horrible abusive conditions, but it’s a labor issue, and nothing more. 

So I would encourage you, if you’re curious about the stories of sex workers to check out the whorecast podcast, which is nothing but sex workers talking about sex work and their stories. So if you’re looking for a rich resource, where we actually get to hear from sex workers themselves, which is the only source we should be turning to for information about sex work, is sex workers – the whorecast is a really fantastic place to go. So I hope you’ll check that out, Allie, and thank you so much for listening. 

Dawn Serra: I got a very short and sweet email from someone named Gary. It says: “Hi, Dawn, I’m a nudist and I have a fantasy of being in CFNM situations. How common is this for males to feel this? Best, Gary.” 

I had never heard of CFNM. I just turned to Alex when this came in, and I said, “What’s CFNM?” And he knew, “Clothed Female, Nude Male.” I was impressed. So then I didn’t have to Google it, I just had to ask the husband. I’m not going to answer this question directly. Because I have no idea how common that fantasy is. I don’t think anybody does. For every self reported person who’s into that fantasy, there’s probably dozens more who don’t admit to it or share it. So, I think the better question isn’t how common is it for men to have CFNM fantasies, but instead, where can I find community around these fantasies? Because no matter what kind of a fantasy you have, there’s other people in the world who have that fantasy. It’s just a given at this point. I mean, whether it’s tentacled alien sex, or sacrificial fantasies around sacrificing someone, or vampire fantasies and doing blood play, or wearing diapers, or wanting stuff up your butt, or sharing a spouse with multiple people– I mean, it’s literally endless. 

There are so many different ways that our sexual selves get to express what’s inside these erotic landscapes that we have. So, I would encourage you, Gary, to get on to something like Fetlife or some of the kinky groups that are on Facebook now, where you can connect with other people who are nudists or who have an interest in CFNM. And if there’s an element of submission and domination, then you’ll definitely be able to find even more groups around femdoms and humiliation, and that kind of thing. But find community for the fantasy, because they’re out there. So it doesn’t matter how common it is. It doesn’t matter if there’s 100 other people on this whole planet that are into that. There’s 100 other people that are into that, so you’re not alone. If it’s a million, then there’s a million other people. But I can guarantee you that there are fantasies out there that billions of people are into. And they’re still going to be the naysayers that think that they’re weird. 

Dawn Serra: So we can’t gauge the validity of our sexual selves and our fantasies by how many other people are into it. Instead, just say, “I’m into this and I want to connect with other people who are, too, so that we can talk about it and I can find resources, and I can explore this side of myself and find erotica around it and potentially find partners around it.” So to you, Gary, and to anybody else who’s worried that the thing they’re into is weird or abnormal, the question isn’t whether it’s weird or abnormal. The question is, how can you find other people who are into it? Because there are other people who are into it. 

So I hope you find a space either on Fetlife or Facebook ,or any of the other amazing places that exist on this very huge interwebs to find some CFNM fans, and then start exploring what that looks like for you and ways that you can incorporate that into your life. Good luck, Gary. 

Dawn Serra: So I got an email from Lady CC. The subject line is “You!!!” It says: “I just wanted to tell you how very glad I am that I happened upon you and your website. I’m a 46 year old woman who’s had desires, but was too unskilled in bed to even know what I wanted. Now I have a start. Oh, there is so much out there that just blows my mind.” 

Yay, it’s working. Thank you so much, Lady CC. I love that this has given you permission to start learning and exploring. That’s the whole point of this. So thank you for writing in. I love getting emails like that. 

Dawn Serra: I got an email from someone named Mary in Arkansas, and it says: “First of all, I love the show and I’ve been wanting to email you for the longest time. But I’m so behind that I figured it wouldn’t be worth it. My husband wants to have anal sex so bad. Now we are working towards that. But does it ever start feeling pleasurable for me? It feels weird. Weird meaning something is there and starts to feel pressure, and I feel like I have to poop. I want to pleasure him because it really turns me on when he is so into something. So any tips on anal lube? We have brands that numb it but I don’t really like the feeling. So any advice would be appreciated. Thanks and have a wonderful day.”

Yay, anal exploration. I love that your husband expressed this interest and that you are being so willing to try something outside your comfort zone, because you love him being turned on. That is such a generous thing to do as a partner and a lover. So the first thing I want to say is that I actually have a class that’s all about anal. It was a workshop that I did live online back in 2016 at the end of the year, and I recorded it, so now you can actually take the class anytime you want from the comfort of your home. It’s me talking about the basics of anal pleasure, anal anatomy, and anal sex, and answering some questions from people who were in the class. It’s pretty basic. It’s a starter kind of course. But I think, Mary, this would be perfect for you. It’s 27 bucks and if you go to sexgetsreal.com/butts – with two T’s, BUTTS – Then you can read all about the class and what we cover which includes prostates and myths, the best lubes, and you can take a class. I think it’s 90 minutes 27 bucks, put on your PJs, grab a glass of wine or your favorite little snack. Take it and share it with your husband, and see what you both learn and then it’ll give you new vocabulary for sharing about it.

Dawn Serra: The two things that I want to say to you, Mary, are: One of my favorite lubes is Uber lube, which is a silicone lube that I really, really enjoy. If you go to uberlube.com or any of the feminist sex toy shops, you’re probably going to be able to find it. So Uber lube – all one word. I really love that for all kinds of sex. Also Sliquid Sassy Gel that is a water based lube, but it’s really thick like a gel so that cushion can be really nice for anal. The other thing I’ll say about anal is if you have a vulva and you are trying to do anal, it can be really, really, really, really critical to include clitoral stimulation when you’re doing the anal stuff. It can be super overwhelming to have new sensations in your ass, especially if you and your husband are going multiple fingers or his penis, which is not placed where I recommend starting from. But if you’ve got a lot of sensation going on in your ass, then stimulating your clitoris can be this incredible way to activate your pleasure network. I’m talking, even for me, I’m actually not like the biggest anal sex person in the world. So I shouldn’t say even for me, but for me, anal can be really overwhelming. 

I’ve had a lot of trauma. I’ve had people force themselves into my ass, so my ass carries that. And it can be really, really, really tough for me to relax. I might want it a lot, but it doesn’t always work. One of the things that I’ve discovered is that if after I’m really nice and warmed up, and really relaxed, and we go to do something a little bit more aggressive or bigger in the butt, like a couple fingers or a dildo or cock, if I have a vibe or a magic wand on my clit or even if it’s just my hand is down there, and my entire clitoral network is getting activated and engorged and throbbing with pleasure – it kind of moves all of the sensations from my ass into a new place where they’re not overwhelming anymore. They’re part of this larger symphony that’s happening. So I would highly encourage you to try that, Mary, but also check out the class. I think it’s important to know what your anatomy is like. Starting slow, giving yourself lots of permission around it, trying some toys that are designed just for butts. That can be a really good way for beginners to feel less intimidated around anal stimulation and an insertion. So definitely check that out and give yourself permission to just be awkward at this for a little while, right? 

Dawn Serra: We’re not always really good or comfortable with something because we’ve tried it half a dozen times. Sometimes it takes a couple of dozen tries and lots of different contexts, with different levels of arousal, in different positions, with different pillows and lubes until you find the combination that magically works for you. And that could look really different from the combination that magically works for me. So give yourself permission to play around, but I love that you’re being so giving towards your husband and wanting to explore this. I hope that you are able to find something that makes it feel yummy and delicious, and fun and pleasurable for you. So be sure to check that out – sexgetsreal.com/butts – BUTTS. You can also find it by just going to dawnserra.com and clicking on the workshops tab. There’s a little button there. So good luck with all your butt adventures, Mary. I hope you find something that makes your ass very happy. 

I am powering through those. I feel like such a rockstar I still have so many to go. But I just wanted to make a little bit of a dent in my backlog. I’ll just tell you really fast, I have been working so hard on getting the summit ready for this year. And between moving and feeling really blah about the world and politics, and knowing that Alex was going to be leaving – it was just really hard for me to get started on the summit this year and I kept procrastinating. So, of course, I pushed myself right up against a wall and I’ve been doing four hour long video interviews a day. To be on video where I have to be fully on, and pay attention to my face, connecting with people by actually making eye contact. I’ve just been so exhausted to the point where I was just laying in bed crying last night. So it’s so nice to just talk to you and answer questions and feel relaxed, and have fun instead of having to be on like I have to be sometimes with interviews. So I am so happy to just be here with you – you and me and these great listener questions and it feels like a really nice break.

Dawn Serra: Okay, so let’s dig in to some more. I got an email from Deb and the subject line is “Just Can’t Get to The Top.” “I am in a straight, monogamous marriage. I have some past experience with BDSM and I’ve introduced it to my husband. It has mostly been great except for one thing. He is a switch. I’m a bottom. So he expects us to take turns, but I just can’t feel it. I don’t even think I’m doing it well when I try. I’m even thinking about suggesting we find someone who can top us both. Even if he was willing, we are in a small community and I wouldn’t know where to start. So can I learn to be turned on by topping?”

Deb, I love this question, Deb, because I actually just interviewed Midori, who is amazing. One of the things that Midori is very well known for is her 3-day intensive called Forte Femme, and it’s a 3-day experience that helps women learn how to step into their domination and into topping. The program is for super, super, super newbies who aren’t even sure if it’s for them all the way up through professionals who have been pro-domming for 25 years and need to reconnect with themselves. She actually talks a lot about it in our talk for Explore More, so be sure to check that out. But between Midori and Princess Kali’s interview, which, Deb, if you haven’t heard that yet, I highly recommend you check out because Princess Kali had some really great suggestions for female domination, and that was on episode 121. 

Dawn Serra: I think there’s a couple of different avenues you could take here. The first is, I don’t think it’s a terrible idea for you to consider finding a top. I think that you could find a way to still be straight and monogamous in your marriage and have someone who offers a topping relief to you. So whether that’s hiring a professional, which many people feel is very different than establishing a personal relationship with someone. So, you know when you’re hiring a professional, you’re getting a professional result. So much like working with a massage therapist or a counselor, hiring a professional to dominate either your husband or both of you. You’re going to get to choose the circumstances and engage in something that really fits your needs, because the professional is there to show up and help create this fantasy for you. 

I think there’s also an opportunity – there are so many ways to do BDSM where it doesn’t have to be a sexual exchange. It can just be an energetic exchange or an experience exchange. So there’s certainly the opportunity to find someone who can top your husband. If sexual encounters with genitals and fluids, and nakedness and all that kind of stuff is something that doesn’t feel aligned with your relationship structure, then who’s to say you can’t have a really fun, rewarding experience if your husband is being topped by someone where the clothes never come off? Or maybe your husband gets naked as part of a humiliation or a submissive thing, and the top stays fully clothed. 

Dawn Serra: So I think there’s options for exploring you not having to top, and the two of you still being able to really work ethically within your current relationship structure without feeling like you have to upend all the things almost you want to. But I love your question, “Can I learn to be turned on by topping?” I’m not going to say yes, just because I don’t know you and there are some people who just can’t get turned on by certain things. I mean, there’s a long list of things that it would probably take a lot of work for me to find something erotic and certain things. I’m not going to say never and that I couldn’t. But there are definitely some things out there that while I might think that they’re really sweet, or fun, or entertaining, might not actually be an erotic experience for me right now. So that might be the case for you when it comes to topping. But if there’s one thing that I’ve learned from my experiences in topping, which have all been fantastically awkward, and from talking with Princess Kali, and Midori, and Andre Shakti and some of the other people that I’ve had wonderful conversations with; around being a pro-dom and a femme dom, is we tend to have this idea that domination looks a very specific way. I

If you go to Midori’s website, actually Midori just put a video up on Vimeo that is all about female domination. So I’ll put a link to that in the show notes for this episode. So make sure you go to dawnserra.com/ep148 for this episode, so you can look at that. One of the things that Midori likes to talk about is – I know I’m jumping all over the place but also, in Tristan Taormino’s book, The Ultimate Guide to Kink, Midori has a whole chapter in there around Forte Femme and tapping into your female dominant. And it’s a really good chapter that’ll give you some ideas. You can find a way to be dominant that is a very personal expression of what you have inside of you. By looking at women that you admire, that you feel close to, who have an energy that you appreciate – fictional characters and movies. I really like the energy of Lara Croft from Tomb Raider. She’s really sexy and strong and has this fighter element. But she’s not over the top cruel or ridiculous. So there’s just something about her that when I think about female domination, I really like the way she holds herself and she moves. So for me, that might be one of the energies that I would try to cultivate for myself. So there might be something in you, Deb, in people that you find attractive and characters in mythology. And this is all coming from Midori, that can inspire what your version of topping looks like. Keep in mind, your version of topping may not be your husband’s version of topping, and they don’t have to be perfect matches. 

Dawn Serra: Midori talks about this a lot in the interview that I just did with her around, your husband probably has 1000 ideas of the ways that he wants to submit and be topped, and what those fantasies look like. Your version of topping does not have to look like that. So you get to create what feels good for you. It might be really soft and subtle, but have kind of this cold steel undertone to it. Or it might be really loud and playful the way that Sunny Megatron is in the way that she tops, and there’s lots of laughter and silliness, but there’s no question whatsoever that she’s still your dominant in your top. 

So you get to first cultivate inside of you what might be possible, then you and your husband get to start playing with potential fantasies, where you’re coming from your power and your version. And he’s thinking about his fantasies, and now you get to negotiate. So don’t try and fit yourself into the version of dominant that your husband wants. Also don’t try to fit yourself into the version of dominant that you like submitting to since you said you’re a bottom. The type of dominant that you might like bottoming to may have nothing to do with the kind of topping energy that you’re able to actually channel. So when I have dominated in the past, which was not very much and was very awkward, but that energy, I hadn’t quite found the way for it to sit on me comfortably. It felt just a little bit like an ill-fitting suit. So I was kind of starting to find it but hadn’t really found the thing that just made it feel like I could relax into it. But my version of that was not like the type of dominant that I want to submit to. It’s not the kind of dominant that Alex is. So give yourself permission to play in that space and have fun with it. And if you just find out that at this point in your life, you’re super into being a bottom and being a top just super doesn’t feel like a good fit, it’s okay. You can find new ways to work around that and play in that space with your husband. It doesn’t have to feel like doom and gloom, and dread and failure, and frustration. So play in that space. See what you too can negotiate and try on and, and what the options are. But definitely check out Princess Kali’s episode. Definitely check out Midori’s talk for the Explore More Summit. Don’t forget, it’s all free. So you can watch it on the day that it’s released for 24-hours, for free, without having to pay for it. Also check out the Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino from Midori’s essay and go to Midori’s website, fortefemme.com. All of those links and resources are going to be on dawnserra.com/ep148 for this episode. So check that out, Deb. Thank you so much for writing in and I hope that helps some other people that were feeling kind of stuck around it. 

Dawn Serra: Minka wrote in and it says: “Hey, Dawn. I would like to include porn in my husband and my’s sex life. However, we’ve had issues in the past with my husband’s secretly watching and masturbating with porn, to the point where we hardly had sex. I was always initiating it or he’d make excuses because he had watched porn earlier that day. Currently, there is no porn involved with him or I after lots of discussion about it, would you recommend trying to include porn or not? I love your podcast. Thank you, Minka.”

I think this is a space where you and your husband get to talk about what this means. I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with your husband watching porn on his own time, and not involving you. I think that’s an okay thing to do. I also think it’s okay for him to have time to masturbate on his own, where he gets to be in his fantasy world and explore his sexual pleasure with just him and his body. But if doing that impacts your relationship, that of course that can be painful and problematic. It sounds like that’s the place where it got to. So there’s lots of different options. Of course, one of them could be hiring a coach or a therapist, and I’d be happy to talk to you more about this if you’re interested. But what would it look like if the two of you set up time at certain points to watch a little bit of porn together, and talk about it, and see how it felt? Maybe masturbate, do some mutual masturbation around it or to have porn on while you’re having sex. 

Dawn Serra: I don’t think that the answer is to tell your husband, “You can’t watch porn and you can’t masturbate.” I think what the answer is, is “I really like having a sexual connection with you and it feels best when it’s a couple of times a week. So what can we do to ensure that your needs are getting met and my needs are getting met?” So maybe he gets to watch porn before you guys have sex. So I don’t think the answer is to cut him off completely. Because that’s just going to drive the behavior further into shame mode and further into the closet, and make it even more enticing and dangerous for him. So that’s where we start to get into compulsive behaviors, is when we feel like we absolutely can’t do the thing. Now it’s all that we can think about. So, I think there’s a couple of different places where you need to start with this. 

One, have the conversations with your husband around, “You really want to include porn, you think it would be really hot?” And is that something that the two of you can do together? What are all the ways that you could do it? Would it be watching it and then mutually masturbating? Would it be watching it and then you take turns masturbating? Is it having it on while the two of you have sex? Is it putting it on and then not touching each other, just to build that tease and then hours later, you could consume each other? 

Dawn Serra: Something that a lot of people forget around porn is not all porn is the same. The porn that your husband likes getting off to might look really different than the porn that you want, Minka. So you might have to actually try some porn on, “Here’s three that I found that are really hot. Can you share with me three that you found that are really hot?” Then see where there might be some overlap so that you can share porn that you both find arousing. Because it might not be a given that what he watches, you would like. So again, that’s another place to play.

I also think it’s important that if your husband enjoys watching porn and masturbating to it, that he has an opportunity to do that. So how can you also create space for that to happen, where maybe he does watch porn and masturbate, so then his penis doesn’t get hard for you? But what if you still are able to have this really erotic, delicious sexual experience of him going down on you and using toys on you? And it doesn’t matter that he’s already cum three times that day, because he’s present for you and your pleasure and your experience. 

Dawn Serra: I just want to offer that there’s a couple of different things happening here. I think there needs to be some conversations and some negotiation, and trying things on. It might take some hits and misses, and some ups and downs to start finding a balance where both of you feel like you’re needs are getting met. And you both feel like you have the opportunity to explore your pleasure and be with your body in a way that feels really good. But I will say that if you’ve banned him from porn, the likelihood that it’s going to become a problem again or be compulsive again, is pretty high. Because that might be an important part of his sexual experience. It might not be. He maybe was doing that because he didn’t feel seen with you or maybe he felt really pressured around expecting his penis to be hard. So to escape the pressure of performance, he turned to porn where there is no pressure, because that’s a one way kind of thing. 

So give yourself permission to have some feelings around this and to continue having conversations with your husband. But I think the point is, if you’re going to incorporate porn, it’s about playing and having fun. So how can you turn this from a, “Here’s all the things that went wrong and this feels really bad, and I don’t know if I can trust him,” to “How can we make this like a game? How can we make this really playful and experimental?” “How can we get curious about all the different ways that we can experience masturbation and porn, and sex in our lives so that we both feel like our needs are getting met?” 

Dawn Serra: I hope that was helpful. If you need any recommendations for porn, please let me know because you know I always have lots of those. I’m actually going to put a link on this episode on the website for Erica Lust’s new website that has a whole bunch of lots of erotic films to choose from. So go to dawnserra.com/ep148 for episode 148 and scroll down to the resources. I’ll have a link there for this new website that Erica Lust is doing that has a lot of different types of erotic material for you to choose from. Thank you so much for listening, Minka. 

There are so many more questions to get to, but my throat is drying out. I actually have another Explore More Summit interview to do in a couple of hours. So I just want to leave all of you with this. Thank you. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for writing in with your questions. Don’t forget to submit your stories for surprises. The theme from March confessions is going to come out next week. So make sure you’re on the Sex Gets Real list for that. Please go to exploremoresummit.com and look at all of the amazing people I’ve been talking to and sign up. It is absolutely free to listen to all of these talks. Of course, if you’re on Patreon support patreon.com/sgrpodcast. Have a wonderful Valentines day and or totally boycott the fuck of that crappy capitalistic Hallmark holiday. Do whatever you need to around that. I will talk to you next week. I’ve got some really great interviews lined up for the next couple weeks. Reid Mihalko Madison Young, the owners of Self Serve, which is an awesome shop down in Albuquerque. So stay tuned and I will talk to you soon. Bye.