This episode is sponsored by HotelsByDay. Save 5% with code SGR5off.

Did you hear the announcement about listener confessions being part of the show? Scroll to the bottom of this page to check out details, examples, suggestions, and how to get them to me. It’s time to make you part of the show!

I am so so so excited about hearing your voices and stories.

Anyway, back to this week’s episode. I have a ton of listener emails in the queue, so I was happy to get to a few this week on munches and online handles, pubic hair trends, and finding a sex position therapist.

Plus, if your wife says she can get a bunch of sex toys for super cheap, does that mean they’re bad? I weigh in on how to find affordable sex toys that are body safe.

Then, I chat with Lora Ivanova from myLAB Box, an at-home STI testing service for folks in the United States. She has soooooo much information on STIs, tests that doctors often miss, and ways to reduce stigma around something over 30% of us experience in our lives.

You can get 20% off STD and HIV test through myLAB Box until December 31, 2016 using code GIVETHANKS16.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It’s true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

In this episode, you’ll hear me chat about:

• What name you should use when you go to a BDSM munch – your online handle or your real first name? This listener question made me giggle because I did NOT think about having to say my screen name out loud to people and ended up super embarrassed at my first munch.
• Advice I gave on the blog about a wife who hates her husband’s cum and his desire to enjoy oral sex with her. Check it out here.
• A listener email asking if a bulk sex toys for cheap might be dangerous. I talk about feminist sex toy shops and JoEllen Notte’s amazing resource list, in addition to the podcast’s new resource list.
• Sex positive and kink positive mental health professionals and where to find them. A listener who is an abuse survivor would like help in working through his trauma, but he doesn’t want to work with someone who is sex negative. You can find amazing folks at openingup.net by Tristan Taormino and Kink Aware Professionals Directory on NCSF.
• The importance of trying on different therapists/counselors until you find one that is a good fit for you. It can take several tries to find someone who’s approach and disposition feel like you can go deep and feel challenged in a helpful way.
• Rachel wrote in asking if bush (or pubic hair) is back in. Last she heard, it was all about being bald and shaved. So, I weigh in on pubic hair trends. Yay body autonomy and doing whatever the fuck you want with your damn hair.
• Lora Ivanova’s quest to make at-home STI testing accessible to folks throughout the U.S. (since universal healthcare still isn’t a thing in this country). myLAB Box is a tad pricey, but what it offers is an incredible service that can make knowing your STI status easier and more private than ever.
• Rates of STIs in the U.S. and why it’s so important to reduce stigma and fear around these conversations and knowing your status. If testing is expensive, awkward, difficult to do, and potentially shame-filled, people just aren’t going to do it – which means STIs spread to folks who never even had the chance to opt-in or opt-out of that risk.
• Doctors can stigmatize STI tests and many have zero comprehensive sex ed as part of their medical training. Being able to test at home and get prescriptions and support sounds amazing.
• Different ways STIs are spread, which many people don’t know. We talk herpes, hepatitis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, HIV, and more.

About myLAB Box

myLAB Box is a first-of-its-kind service that delivers STD screening solutions to your doorstep allowing you to keep private things private. Best of all, you can enjoy FREE prescriptions without setting a foot outside if you ever test positive. Uncomplicate your life and get results with a click!

We’ve worked with some of the best experts in the U.S. to design a program that allows you to screen anytime and anywhere. Each test can be completed in less than 5 minutes (including reading the instructions) with no need to drive, schedule appointments or wait in line. We will remind you when it’s time to test again so you will never have to worry or keep track. And best of all, our revolutionary system is so affordable, you won’t believe you ever lived without it.

Check them out at mylabbox.com and follow them on Facebook.

Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real

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Hearing from you is the best

Contact form: Click here (and it’s anonymous)

LISTENER CONFESSION DETAILS

Are you ready to be part of the show with your juicy, awkward, fun, sad confessions? Now you can be!

January’s theme is FIRSTS, so if you have a story to share about a first in your sexual or romantic history that was meaningful, transformative, disappointing, surprising, or something that you hope to experience soon, I want to hear from you.

Here are the guidelines:

• Subscribe to the Sex Gets Real newsletter (there’s a box in the upper right) because that’s where I’ll be announcing future themes.
• Record your story using your phone, your computer, a recorder, or whatever you have at your disposal. It should be no longer than 7 minutes.
• Don’t want your voice heard? Type up your story, email it in, and I’ll read it for you.
• Email your MP3 file/story (make it as high quality as you can – both in sound and content) to info(at)dawnserra.com.
• Submission does not guarantee your story will make it on the show, but every submission will be reviewed and considered.
• Deadline for January’s confessions is January 20, 2017.

What should your story be about?

• I want stories that are real – I want to hear the awkward, the disappointing, the surprising, the reality versus the expectation, how the experience changed you or how it didn’t even though you wanted it to. This isn’t about being as explicit as possible, and it’s not about writing erotica. I want your real, true, humanity-filled story including your feelings, thoughts, and the impact it had on you.
• Include a beginning, middle, and end so we have a complete picture of this event you’re sharing.
• It MUST include the theme of the month, though it doesn’t have to be terribly literal. For instance, a “first” may be the first time you felt pleasure or the first time you realized your sexuality was changing or the first time you gave yourself permission to talk to a partner about your past.

Need examples of great personal storytelling?

Listen to The Moth, This American Life, The Heart, or check out the confessions at Erika Lust’s XConfessions.

I can’t wait to hear from you!

Episode Transcript

Dawn Serra: Hey everyone! Dawn Serra here. It’s Sex Gets Real. This episode is split into two parts. The first half is me fielding a couple of questions that came in from all of you that I’ve been eager to get to. The second half is an interview with myLAB Box co-founder, Lora Ivanova. We talk all about STIs, and stigma, and tests that most of us don’t even know we’re supposed to be getting, if we want to be totally aware of our status. And options for now testing at home if you’re in the US. Because, of course, universal health care and access to tests isn’t as common here as it is in a lot of other countries. I hope you enjoy the entire hour.

Also, this episode is, of course, sponsored by the amazing, the sexy Hotels by Day. As we move towards the holidays and towards New Year’s, if you either just need to get away from all of the family hubbub, you need to get away from the kids for a day, you just want to spend the middle of a day taking care of you or you’re looking for a super sexy, hot place to rekindle some of that intimacy amid all of the family obligations, you can go to hotelsbyday.com. They’re offering 5% off to Sex Gets Real listeners. All you have to do is use the offer code SGR – for Sex Gets Real – and then 5off. So SGR5off. You can treat yourself to a daytime hotel stay at many major cities around the world, and give yourself that chance to, either just be blissfully alone and unplugged or naked, hot and sexy. 

Dawn Serra: I’m also starting something brand new with 2017 – listener confessions. That means I need your confessions to be part of the show. Each month, there will be a single theme, and I’ll be looking for confessions from you on that theme. January 2017’s theme is going to be firsts since we’re just getting started with this. I want confessions from you that are vulnerable and awkward, that are about failures, about surpassing expectations, about the reality versus the fantasy, about something you never thought that you would experience, but that was a first of some kind. Or, a first that you’re really craving. 

You can record it in any way that makes sense for you, either on your iPhone or your Android, with headphones or using a microphone and your laptop. Then you can email the mp3 file to me. All of the details for how to do that are on dawnserra.com for this episode, which is Episode 139. I also want to let you know that moving forward, each month’s theme will be announced in the Sex Gets Real newsletter. Make sure you go to dawnserra.com and get on the newsletter list so that you can hear the theme for February, which will be announced in a couple of weeks. All of the rules around how long the confessions need to be, ways that you can submit confessions if you don’t want it to be your voice, and some samples of the types of confessions I’m looking for are all at dawnserra.com/ep139 for Episode 139. I can’t wait to hear all of your confessions. I hope that at some point, some of them involve our amazing sponsor, Hotels by Day, because of something delicious and naughty that happens. I hope you enjoy this two-part episode with listener questions followed by my interview with myLAB Box. 

Dawn Serra: The first one is all about names and going to munches. I love it, because I, myself, did not think through this when I was new to kink. So here’s the email. It says, “Dawn, thank you so much for your podcast. The information, the candid discussions, and the positivity are fantastic. I haven’t attended any munches, events or scenes yet, but I’m hoping to at some point. I think I’ve read enough about general decorum. I’d like to start as a viewer only to get a feel for protocol. My question is this, do I introduce myself with my given name or my handle? Most sex podcasts use people’s handles as identifiers. Is this how people are addressed initially in person as well? Thanks again.”

I will tell you that the times I’ve been to munches, people tend to first introduce themselves by their handles if they have established themselves online as such. So if you are for instance, on FetLife, and you have people that you talk to online and folks know you by your handle, and then you show up at an event or a play party, introducing yourself by your handle is how most people are going to be able to Identify you. 

Dawn Serra: Now, I did not think that through. I had created what I thought was a really playful and fun and cheeky handle on FetLife that involved the word my pussy. I went to my first munch after having talked to a whole bunch of locals and had gotten an invitation to meet up with a few folks for drinks. As I walked in the door and I went to introduce myself, it occurred to me that I was going to have to put my hand out and say, “Hi, I’m blank, blank, my pussy.” It was actually rather embarrassing for me. I hadn’t thought about the fact that this name that I was really known for online, I was ending having to say to strangers face to face. People got a good laugh out of it, as did I. 

But I will just say think about your handle when you’re creating something on a kinky website or in a forum where you may end up doing an in-person meetup. You’re welcome to introduce yourself by your real first name, especially if you haven’t really been part of the online community, and people probably don’t know who you are. I think, at that point, it’s just really your preference. There may be events you go to where names are forbidden for safety purposes or for anonymity purposes. But that’s usually in the rules of an event, when you log in to sign up or buy tickets. 

Dawn Serra: I think that it really just depends on how established are you online? Would people know you better by your given name or by your online handle? If you have been all over the forums and introduced yourself via your handle, then starting that way in person is a good way to just let people know who they’re talking to. But that’s definitely up to you, and also if your handle is something you even want to say face to face. Because I realized very quickly mine was not one that I wanted to be saying face to face with people. It was just something for me that was funny and online and anonymous. When I finally moved into the real world of kink and interacting with people, I had to give that another thought because it wasn’t really working for me. 

I think that’s a wonderful question. I hope that you get out to some events and report back on what they’re like. I think that for things like munches, handles are probably going to be a lot more common than say something that’s a little more intimate and personal, like a play party. Your name is something that may feel more comfortable for you for people to be calling you, if there’s going to be any kind of physical interaction going on or more personal or intimate discussions. So, depending on the place, go with what feels good for you, and then have a blast. 

Dawn Serra: I’d also love to hear from any listeners if you’ve ever picked a somewhat funny, questionable, embarrassing, racy handle online, and then gone to an in-person meetup and realized your mistake when you had to actually introduce yourself to someone. I think that would be really funny to hear from folks. So if you’ve got a story like mine, then please write in.

The next email is just a thank you email from a listener named Dutch Husband. It says, “Wow. Thank you for your advice.” “Hi, Dawn. Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. There is so much for me and us to take away from what you said. I’m happy to keep you informed, if you like. Keep doing what you do. Thank you so much. Dutch Husband.” 

Dawn Serra: For those of you that don’t know, most weeks– I will say most because I have not been very diligent about the blog the past couple of weeks in packing up my house and preparing for a huge move. I’ve been in this house for 15 years, so moving is no small feat. But normally, every Wednesday, I update the blog for the podcast. It’s called “Wednesday Words.” If you go to sexgetsreal.com/advicecolumn, I take listener emails that I haven’t had a chance to get to on the podcast or that I just really want to go really deep in, and I know I’m not going to have time in ten or fifteen minutes on the show to do it. 

Dutch Husband had written in about his wife really hating his cum and being really turned off by it. That’s something that he really eroticized, and he was looking for advice. So a couple of weeks ago, I answered that on the advice column. If you ever write to me and you haven’t heard me respond on the podcast, then there’s a chance that it might be in the advice column that I’m writing each week over on the Sex Gets Real website, under advice column. Nice and easy. So thank you so much for writing in, Dutch Husband. I’m really glad that my advice was helpful. I hope that you and your wife find some really fun ways to both feel supported and heard, and also really yummy and erotic. 

Dawn Serra: Another listener named Gerp. I hope I’m saying that right. Gerp wrote in, and it says, “Hi, Dawn. My wife wants to try out some sex toys. She just sent me a message saying she found a place to buy lots of toys for $200. My concern is the quality of the toys. Can you point me to a place where I can get good quality toys? Thanks. Gerp”

I would be suspicious, too. Now, you can get high quality, body-safe toys that aren’t super expensive. There are some toy manufacturers out there that use medical grade silicone or hard ABS plastic or toy materials that aren’t toxic. Some of the toys retail for 20, 30, 40 dollars. There is a chance that you could get a couple of dildos and a bullet vibe and a cock ring and a couple of other things for around $200 or less. 

Dawn Serra: But I think that it’s really wise to be skeptical of the materials that are going to be going on and in your body. So if you’re ever looking for resources on high quality sex toys, which usually come from ethical sex shops or feminist sex shops, the first thing you can do is the podcast website actually has a resources page where I list books that I recommend, lube types that I recommend, dildo and vibrator manufacturers that I recommend, and other toy manufacturers. It’s a list that just got started, so of course, it’ll be expanding. You can find that at sexgetsreal.com/resources. 

But the best place to go is JoEllen Notte’s website, redheadbedhead.com. She has a really extensive list of all of the sex shops that she knows and has been to that have body-safe materials, high quality products, sex education in shop. These are stores that are really committed to making sure that products that they are selling to people are body-safe and ethically-produced. Her sex shop tour, her Superhero Sex Shop tour is online. I’ll have a link for this episode so it’ll be nice and easy to click to. But if you go to redheadbedhead.com/the-superhero-sex-shops-tour. Or, if you just Google “Redhead Bedhead Superhero Sex Shop Tour,” you’ll get to the page where for Canada and the US, she’s got an extensive list of all the shops that she’s been to or knows of. These are all shops that I would recommend. There’s Lotus Blooms in Northern Virginia, Secret Pleasures in DC, Sugar in Baltimore, Maryland, She Bop in Oregon, Self Serve in New Mexico. 

Dawn Serra: It’s a big huge list of shops and a lot of these shops do sell online. If you aren’t in a city that has one of these feminist sex toy shops, then you can still shop and get super awesome stuff. Often on sale or see if they have grab bags. A lot of the sex toy shops will occasionally offer grab bags. I know that Dirty Lola works at Shag in Brooklyn, New York. She said they’ve got a really nice selection of both affordable and the higher end luxury toys. So definitely check that out, Gerp. 

I think that asking questions about the materials the toys are made of is super important because it’s better to spend $45 on a well-made, body-safe toy that’s not toxic than $20 on a toxic toy that isn’t well-made and/or is going to give you rashes or breakdown and smells terrible. So that’s a great question. I do hope that you and your wife end up finding something super fun. Check out those shops, and then support one of the shops because they definitely need our support so that they can keep doing what they’re doing. 

Dawn Serra: The next email is from a listener named Greg, and he’s asking for advice. It says, “Hi! I found your podcast about a month ago, and I’ve listened to about 25 episodes. I’m a 42 year old male, and I’ve been married for 16 years to an amazing woman. I’m struggling with some past abuse that I’ve kept deep inside me for all of these years. I was molested by my stepfather from the ages of five to 15, when I was finally big enough to fight back. My wife and I really want to get some help, but I don’t know where to start. We are a kinky couple and have a great sex life. I think I need someone who knows about kink and a sex positive. I’m in Florida, and I would really love help with where to start. I don’t want to ask a therapist because I suspect they’re going to tell me what I want to hear and not send me to someone who’s kink-friendly. Thank you so much for your time and your podcast. It’s helped me realize that I need help.”

Well, first of all, Greg, thank you so much for trusting me with this and for writing in. I really appreciate it. I also want to say, I’m so sorry for the abuse that you went through. That’s something that’s completely horrible and deplorable, and something you never should have gone through, and you certainly didn’t deserve. 

Dawn Serra: I love hearing you’ve been married for 16 years to an amazing woman, and that you’re kinky and you have an incredible sex life. It sounds like there’s some wonderfulness in your life now, so working on some of the issues that you’ve gone through in the past and your abuse, I think, sounds like a really wonderful thing to do. You have a support network in place. I love that you’re asking this. There are some really, really wonderful resources available for all of us when it comes to therapy, and being sex positive and kink inclusive or inclusive and understanding of non-monogamy or gay, lesbian, bi, asexual, trans issues. Let me share those resources with all of you. 

The first is Tristan Taormino has a website called openingup.net that came out of her non-monogamy book, “Opening Up.” If you go to openingup.net, there is an option for the Open List. The Open List is a list full of therapists, coaches, body workers, people in this help field – I’m actually listed on it as well – who are inclusive and understanding of kink, sex positivity, non-monogamy, that kind of thing. I actually was able to pull up two folks for Florida. Greg, specifically for you, there is a therapist in St. Petersburg and a therapist in Jacksonville. The Jacksonville therapist also has an office in Wilton Manors. There’s a couple of options on openingup.net under the Open List for some board certified therapists and some family therapists. That would be a really good resource for everyone to check out. 

Dawn Serra: Then also the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has a Kink Aware Professionals directory. I’m going to link to this. The URL is quite long, but you can Google “Kink Aware Professionals Directory by the NCSF.” I will have the link at dawnserra.com, but it’s a comprehensive directory of folks who are kink aware professionals. Things like lawyers, counselors, psychologists, health and wellness practitioners, accountants, doctors, spiritual advisors, wedding officiants. It’s a really, really great resource for people who are kinky and want to be able to work with professionals who understand kink and kink relationships. So Greg, this also might be a really great place for you to go. 

I searched for Florida, and there are 62 results for Florida. Now, keep in mind, that’s all of the professionals. That’s not just therapists and counselors. But just on the first page, I’m seeing a psychologist in Boca Raton, a counselor and a therapist in St. Petersburg. There is another counselor in Longwood. This might be another fantastic place to go, where you can find a professional. 

Dawn Serra: Now, these people have asked to be on the openingup.net website and the Kink Aware Professionals directory with NCSF. They are kink-aware or kink-inclusive. They know about these things, and they’ve asked to be part of these directories. It’s not like people are putting them in, and they actually don’t know what they’re talking about. These are people who want to have these types of clients and understand these specific needs. I know there’s other directories out there. Jerome Stewart Nichols has a directory of folks who are people of color. They’re therapists and sex workers and coaches, who work in all kinds of different fields. I’m positive that the people on his list are all sex positive and kink aware as well. So that’s something else to check out. 

But I hope that this gives you a jumping off point, Greg, because I think that giving yourself the opportunity to explore this and heal around it is a wonderful, beautiful thing. I also just want to remind you and everyone else listening, it’s super important to find a mental health professional – be it a counselor, a therapist, a psychologist, whoever it is that you’re seeing – that’s a good fit for you. 

Dawn Serra: And just because someone is a licensed therapist and has tons of amazing reviews, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re the right fit for you. It’s like any relationship. It might take a couple before you start finding someone who just really feels like a good fit. You might find someone, and that first phone call gets you into someone’s office who feels really good. But you might have to try a couple on. So give yourself permission to go a couple of times, and see if it feels safe, if it feels like a good fit, their temperament and their way of doing therapy or counseling works for you. If not, move on and try someone else. 

And give yourself that permission to be selective. So that when you finally decide this is the person I want to work with, you do feel safe enough to really go to dark places and places where you don’t have to have it all together. You can be messed up, and upset and scared, and have the big feelings, and make mistakes and backtrack – all those things where you can just really be yourself and be open about your hurt and your mouse. I really hope, Greg, that you find someone great. I hope to everyone else listening, if you’re interested in finding some support or some professionals who are aware of sex positive stuff, that those resources are a really good place for you to also check out. 

Dawn Serra: Rachel wrote to me today. It’s so hard because I have questions from six months ago. But some of them are just are so special and important that I want to make sure I get someone in. Like the question that I did with Alison Moon, who can help me go really deep. So to those of you who haven’t heard from me yet, who haven’t heard your question read on the podcast or seen it in the blog, just know that, for the most part, I’m either sitting on it on purpose or because I’m still marinating on it. 

But this email actually just came in a couple of days ago, and it cracked me up. I felt like it was such a perfect time for this email because of the horrors of your episode with Kate Lister. Rachel writes, “Bushes come back.” That’s the subject line. It says, “Dawn, is the bush making a comeback? I’m 46 years old, and I have two daughters. One is a sophomore, and the other is a senior in college. Recently on a family trip to the lake, I was changing out of my bikini with both of them in a bathroom, and I noticed that they both have a lot of pubic hair. Are guys into that again? 

Dawn Serra: When I was in high school in the early 90s, I knew guys were into hairy pussies, but I thought it was all about being trim. I thought trim or bald is in now. My husband likes the landing strip, so I’ve always kept it that way because that’s how he likes it. Perhaps my daughters’ boyfriends prefer bush? I know they’re getting laid because I hear way too much sometimes. But I’m curious, is the bush back? Rachel.”

This makes me happy for so many reasons. I mean, first of all, to have a relationship with your daughters where you’re hearing about their sex lives is fantastic. Also, where you all feel comfortable changing and showing your bodies. There are a lot of families where that is not the case. I love that you are so open with your daughters. And this is a fantastic question. 

Dawn Serra: I think that there is a shift happening. I don’t think that it’s a big enough shift, but I think it’s starting, where instead of trying to conform, people are starting to really ask, “What is it that I want?” I think for young people who especially are really aware of social justice issues and feminist issues, there has been a big shift in realizing that your pubic hair doesn’t define your sexiness. Your pubic hair also doesn’t define whether or not you’re worthy of someone who’s sexy and hot. I’ve seen a huge shift in the variety of pubic hair and the way that people are grooming themselves or not, in a way that feels really good. So I’m excited to hear that your daughters are using their bodies in a way that feels really good. 

I would just ask you, Rachel. It says that your husband likes the landing strip, and so you keep it that way. What would you like? Would you like to go full bush? Would you like to shave it all off or have it waxed completely? What would feel really good for you if you are touching it and experiencing it? It’s really great that you like doing what your husband likes, but now I’m really curious. What would you like? What would you like to try? What have you never done with your pubic hair? It might be fun to try some time because it’s your body, so you get to decide. 

Dawn Serra: I think more and more people are being aware that they have that choice. I am super open to changing mine. I love the way that I feel when I’m completely shaved. But that’s just not where I am right now, and that could change tomorrow. Who knows? I might just get a wild hair and decide that I would want to shave again. But it’s all about me and my experience of my body. 

I also just wonder maybe your daughters are watching some feminist porn or some queer porn because pubic hair is super common in the more ethically-produced pornography than the more mainstream pornography. So it also could just be an indicator of the kinds of porn and erotica that they’re being exposed to and watching. But I’m excited to hear that there’s some variety out there. Because I think that that makes for a really fun experience when we all are having fun with the color and the cut of the hair on our head, and that we can have that same liberty with our pubic hair and bushes. 

Dawn Serra: So are bushes making a comeback? I think they are, and that more and more people are realizing that it’s totally OK to have a bush. It doesn’t mean that you’re dirty or filthy. It just means that that works for you. I totally love the way you phrased everything. Thank you so much for writing in with Rachel because it made me giggle. 

Here comes the second part of the episode: my interview with Lora Ivanova at myLAB Box. I also noticed on their Facebook page that between now and December 31st 2016, they are offering 20% off their at home test kits, if you use offer code GIVETHANKS16. You can head over to their Facebook page, which is linked on this episode, to get that 20% off if you want to do that at home test. 

Dawn Serra: This week, one of the very special treats that we have is the co-founder from myLAB Box, which is Lora Ivanova. Welcome to the show, Lora.

Lora Ivanova: Thank you for having me. 

Dawn Serra: I am constantly talking about STI awareness and reducing stigma on the show. I’ve had experts on talking about herpes and living with herpes, and talking about STI results, and how we can make this a conversation that doesn’t really have any shame. So I’m really excited to have you here because I know myLAB Box is actually a really wonderful unique service. You’ve had some huge developments in the past couple of weeks. I would love it if you could start by just telling everyone who’s listening a little bit about what myLAB Box is.

Lora Ivanova: Hi everyone. I’d love to. Absolutely. myLAB Box is, in a nutshell, the first and only service that is able to offer at home STI testing nationwide. Not tasting. Testing, definitely not, actually spreading the infections. No sample STIs. But let’s start from the beginning. 

myLAB Box is the first and only service that is able to offer you at home STI testing nationwide. We were founded with the belief that things like STIs and STDs shouldn’t be stigmatized. They shouldn’t be marginalized, simply because not only sex is natural, but 1/3 of our US population today is living with a sexually transmitted infection. Many individuals don’t know that. But I think 110 million US adults speaks volumes of how important it is for us to start having those conversations. Not only just talk about it, but actually start getting tested and frequently. 

Lora Ivanova: We were inspired to create this service to really address an issue that we were shocked, had spread so wide, especially considering obviously a lot of the work of various organizations and nonprofits in this area now for hundreds of years, trying to curb the spread of infections. 

It seems, however, that those efforts are not simply succeeding. What we believe and what we’ve seen in terms of our experience in this area is that if you make the screening process difficult and complicated and expensive, just like anything else in life, people are just not going to do it. I mean, imagine with brushing your teeth, something that should be done periodically, just like STD testing, how many times – I mean, if you ask yourself – would you actually brush your teeth if you had to go to the dentist every single time? The reality of it is it’s not that often. Probably less than once a year. 

Lora Ivanova: The only reason why hygiene habits have been able to become a daily practice and a routine practice is because they have become easy and accessible. I mean, think of how many times we’ve seen ads and commercials for new razor blades – the new thing with five blades, now seven blades, and it talks to you when you shave – you know all of these things. But when it comes to intimate hygiene, that innovation just hasn’t been there. We’re still the same process. We still deal with going up to an office, having an awkward conversation with a stranger. Oftentimes, getting information that is not complete in the big picture. Sometimes being judged in the process, and certainly oftentimes being made uncomfortable. And the testing process itself is not completely pleasant. 

I think what we’ve been able to really accomplish is bring the STD and the STI screening service home in a way that it becomes as easy and natural as brushing your teeth. It literally takes five minutes. I think what the recommended time for brushing your teeth is two minutes at a time. In five minutes, you can actually complete your STI test. Mail it into our lab and receive your results in about as little as 24 hours. Those results are available online instantly to you. They don’t go through any other eyes. They come to you first and foremost. You are given all the tools and resources you need if you were to have a positive result to actually get consultation with a physician in your area, and even a prescription sent to your local pharmacy completely free of charge. Again, without having to set foot outside of your home. 

Lora Ivanova: This is actually one of the announcements that we just made in the recent weeks. And we’re super excited. We call it our testing to treatment initiative. Ultimately, we believe that not only the testing should be easy, but the entire cycle. What is the good of getting a result when you don’t know what to do with it, when you now have to go through another round of hurdles to figure out how to get treated? We are, yet again, removing the hurdles for all of our users. Not only you can get tested in five minutes, but you can also have a prescription ready to go, so you can start your treatment in under 24 hours from receiving your results.

Dawn Serra: Correct me if I’m wrong. But is there also a service that connects people who get a positive result with some type of counselor that helps them talk about it and learn how to navigate having that positive result.

Lora Ivanova: Absolutely. Let’s say the worst case scenario is true – you have received a positive result for an STI. The first thing you need to know is that it’s really nothing to worry about. Knowing that you are positive really is the first step to you being going back into full health. Because once you know, you can actually take those steps to get treated. Many of these infections and most of them, in fact, don’t have any consequences, any serious consequences for your health if they are detected early and treated as soon as possible. Really screening frequently and getting as fast as possible to the treatment protocols is super important. 

What happens at myLAB Box, if you do get that positive result, you actually have a certified STI counselor. These are professionals that we operate with in every state of the US, who will reach out to you to answer any questions that you might have. You don’t even have to figure out which number to call. We will have one of our counselors connect with you, and make sure that you’re OK, make sure that you know what your positive result means, and advise you in terms of the best next steps for you to get to treatment. If you would like to go with the free consultation through one of our physicians, they will connect you. If you prefer to go to your own doctor, then they can give you advice to that. If you’re looking for a hotline or for some additional information, in the meantime, they can also advise you what are those resources.

Dawn Serra: There have been so many stories from people who have had really difficult experiences with doctors. It’s not necessarily the fault of doctors that they receive so little training when it comes to human sexuality and pleasure, and being able to have these difficult conversations, and helping patients to learn how to talk to partners and lovers. That’s not something that our current medical system is set up to support people around. But I think you’re right that it also makes people either really wary about going to get tested or because it can be so difficult to even find a clinic to go to depending on where you are that often people delay. 

I think one of the hardest things is just the stigma. So many people would rather not know so that they can live in that ignorance than know, and then potentially have the responsibility of having those conversations. But one of the things that we talk about on the show all the time is that one of the most powerful things you can do for anyone is allow them to make choices about what they want to do with their body. If you know, for instance, that you have herpes or that you’re HIV positive, if you can confidently communicate that to a partner so that they can say, “Oh. Well, this is the level of risk I’m willing to take.” Then the two of you can end up having this really hot, delicious sexual experience, that maybe just have an additional barrier, that, to me, is extra empowering.

Lora Ivanova: Absolutely. You’re right. I mean, the statistics are there. There’s a few recent articles that came out that are really shedding some critical light on this subject. But I mean, the numbers are staggering. Less than 3% of, I think, millennials, I believe, that recently or have visited a doctor in the recent years have actually been suggested to test for STDs. This means that 97% in a country which one third – 30% – of people are infected, are being recommended to test. Less than half of adults have ever tested for anything other than HIV. Granted, HIV is the worst and more serious infection that you could possibly come across. But it also is, in terms of cases and impact of infections, it is a fraction of what infections like chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, trick, and others, as far as the number of infections every year, have as an impact on our society. So it’s pretty shocking. 

I do think that in general, our physicians and health practitioners could benefit from a more comprehensive look at the human health. But I think ultimately, the reality of it is, it’s probably, at least for us at myLAB Box, it seems to be easier to educate the individual rather than to try to change the way their health system operates. I mean, hopefully, with a more educated consumer, the physicians themselves will start recognizing and seeking that information, and offering it to their patients a little bit more willingly.  

Lora Ivanova: But change has to start somewhere. I know when the instant pregnancy tests came out, they were faced with much of the same skepticism as at home STD testing is encountering right now, which is, “How do we know what happens?” “Well, no. You can’t do these things without a physician around.” I think the phrases of the, literally, headlines of articles of the time read something like, “Women are going to be jumping off of bridges if they found out that they’re pregnant on their own.” We don’t see many “jumping off a bridge” is happening. 

I think, in the same way, knowing that you’re STI positive is not going to necessarily result in zombie apocalypse. I think, if anything, it’s going to really give the power back into the hands of people who care most about their own health, which is the person who is experiencing that infection. The quantified self, the on demand everything, the way that our society has developed, even when it comes to our dating lives – now we’re swiping left and right to meet our next sexual partner or fling – has shown us that that’s really the way to go. Give the power to the consumer and educate them, and let them make the best decision possible for their health.

Dawn Serra: Yeah. It’s interesting that you say what you did about millennials and testing because it’s occurred to me, as you’re talking, that every single time I’ve ever had an STI panel done, it’s because I specifically asked for it. Then my doctor found a way to make that happen. It’s never been I’m sitting there talking to my doctor or my OB GYN, and they ask me if I’d like to have it done. I’ve had to be very proactive. 

For people who are already interested in being proactive, I love that myLAB Box just comes to your house, and then you get to do it in the privacy of your own home, and then you send it off. I think you’re so right that being able to not only offer the convenience, but also in communities where going into a clinic or going into a doctor might be something that can cause gossip or make you feel ashamed or maybe you’re younger and going to the OB GYN could potentially out you as having any kind of sexual experience, the anonymity and the confidentiality that comes with being able to do these things at home, just like the pregnancy tests, I think is a really powerful thing.

Lora Ivanova: Absolutely. I mean, even with proactive users. One thing that we did when we started looking into how to make myLAB Box possible is, myself and my co-founder, we decided, “Well, I guess we’ll have to go get tested in all of these different ways and places.” And just be able to compare, “Well, that experience really is like across the board.” Even for a proactive user, let’s say in some of these cases, we would say, “OK. I want to get my annual checkup, and I want to test for a full panel for STDs.” Not just us, we’ve heard that from other of our users as well. Some of the reactions from physicians surprisingly, was, “Well, you don’t look like you’re high risk,” or, “Oh, I don’t think you need to worry about it. When was the last time you got tested? Five years ago? Oh, that’s fine.” It’s not.

Frankly, anytime you have sex with a new partner, you should get tested ideally before and after that encounter, and give it some time to make sure that any incubation timeframes have passed. Because it could take a while for an infection to show. It’s been a surprising journey for us because we thought… Sometimes we think that, “OK. If I’m proactive about my health, that naturally means I’m going to be better at it.” But it still seemed like there were a lot of hurdles, even for users who are actively seeking to get care in our system.

Dawn Serra: I was poking around your website, which for anyone who’s interested, it’s mylabbox.com. There’s two Bs. I noticed that you have some resource pages one of them, including incubation and testing timeframes, which I think is a really powerful tool for people to have access to, so that if they have potential exposure… I recently got an email from someone who said that their friend was potentially exposed to hepatitis C. Knowing possible incubation and testing and how to manage follow up tests, I think is a really wonderful thing for people to have access to. Then I also saw that back in September, you all announced that you were allowing STD testing for minors, so for people who are 16 and older.

Lora Ivanova: Yes. Both of these things are extremely important. The first one, in terms of the timeframes, it’s not something that we naturally think of. Usually, the test panic happens after an instance in which you think you’ve been exposed to an STI. Maybe you’ve had an encounter with a partner who’s told you they’re infected or the condom broke or you didn’t use one, and you wake up the next day in panic, wanting to rush to the first clinic to get tested. This is when you need to stop. 

As hard as it sounds, you actually need to wait for about three months, roughly, in order to really get reliable results. Some several incubation timeframes need to pass before the antibodies can be detected in your system, and you can actually be diagnosed. So as hard as it sounds, if you think you have been exposed, wait for about three months, and then get tested. The ideal frequency for testing typically, depending on how active you are, is three to six months. 

Lora Ivanova: Periodically, you just need to do this to get in a habit of verifying that you are still in good health. We do send you reminders to do that, so you don’t even have to think about it with regards to the last time you tested. We just want to make sure that you’re optimizing the frequency of your testing for the best health possible. 

Minors are an important addition to our service. Initially, we launched as 18 and over. But the truth of the matter is, as much as we’d like to think children are children, more and more young adults are becoming sexually active sooner and sooner. Many of them in that age have a particularly hard time discussing that subject for various reasons. They’re also under the biggest peer pressure to become sexually active. Many of them haven’t really had proper education yet when it comes to sexual health. 

Lora Ivanova: There are all sorts of misconceptions like oral health– I’m sorry, oral sex is not sex, and oral sex does not cause STIs. Maybe they know about HIV, but they don’t know about syphilis or chlamydia or HPV,or many of the other possibilities that they could experience. Or, they think that, looking at a partner and checking for bumps really is the way to know if they have an STI or they don’t. As well as they have limited testing options. 

I mean, in terms of what a young person can access on their own, it’s hard. The campus physician is not necessarily the most pleasant and peace of mind place to go to. Sometimes people have a hard time bringing this up to their parents or their guardians. So it’s really important for us to educate, if we really want to make a difference in people’s life over the course of their lifetimes. The sooner we start educating and giving them the opportunity to access testing, I think the better.

Dawn Serra: One of the things that you had mentioned to me was the importance of also talking about extra genital testing, and what that involves. Since I think a lot of people have some assumptions about what testing looks like – complete testing. So I’d love to hear a little bit more about that.

Lora Ivanova: Absolutely. Extra general testing, just to tell you what it is in simple terms, it is basically testing you for sexually transmitted infections that begin any place else on your body other than the genital area. What that means is oral sex, if you contract an infection during oral sex, that infection begins in your mouth. So if you do not test your mouth shortly after oral sex, there’s about 20% chance that the infection will actually be missed with the conventional testing process. Same thing for rectal infections. Anybody that’s engaging in anal sex, the infection begins in the site of exposure. That means that your anus, technically your rectal area will be the first spot of your body to get infected. Again, 20% chance that a conventional test will not detect that infection. It may take a much longer time before it becomes present in a test that you do in your genital area down the line. 

The conventional way works for 80% of infections, again. But if you are engaging in oral sex or anal sex, it’s really important that you actually test all sites of exposure to be safe. It may take a while before the detection occurs, which means that any sexual partner that you engage with following the infection – that’s another blowjob or another adventure – you are ultimately exposing yourself and that next partner to a risk as well., even though you may be testing negative, if you, let’s say peed in a cup or the usual vaginal test.

Dawn Serra: And the extra genital tests are just swabs that you run inside your mouth and around your anus. Isn’t that right?

Lora Ivanova: Yeah. They’re very non-invasive. It’s just like a Q-tip. You’ve seen it in the movie “Gattaca.” You basically swab your cheek or just your rectal area. You don’t have to penetrate or do anything strange, and you just get your test that way. Same thing with our conventional tests. I know some of our male users sometimes email us and it’s like, “Oh, my god. Do I have to stick a Q-tip in my penis?” That is not the case. You pee in a cup. It’s just as simple as it can be. It’s not painful. For women, it’s just as easy as basically inserting a tampon or again, using the Q-tip to swab your vaginal area.

Dawn Serra: I have two other questions for you just about the whole process. The first is if someone were to order one of the kits for at home, and they were going to do the full spectrum of tests just to kick things off and see what their results were, what are the different activities that they would do in order to complete all the tests and send them back to you?

What they need to do is they go to mylabbox.com or they can also buy our kit at amazon.com and walmart.com. They order the kit, the kit arrives to their doorstep in about one to two days. From the time that they opened the box to the time that they complete their sample collection, it takes literally five minutes. We’ve timed this not just with ourselves, but with people who are just seeing the box for the first time. Five minutes from the time that you open the box to the time that your sample is ready to be mailed back to our lab. 

Lora Ivanova: Again, the sample collection is extremely simple and pain-free. There’s just a few steps in the process. You either pee in a cup or you swab your genital area and/or the side of infection. You mail in a small sample in a test tube, and you put this in an envelope, which is provided to you so you don’t have to pay for any additional shipping. It’s pre-addressed, so all you need to do once the sample collection is complete, is just leave it in your mailbox for the mailman to pick up. The test results once the package ships out, depending on how fast they arrive to the lab, but it takes about 24 hours to up to five days tops for your results to become available online. As soon as they’re available, you will receive a notification in your inbox, and you can just log in and check your results. 

Again, we talked a little bit about the process with the positives. If you are negative, obviously, you get the peace of mind right then and there. Then you can just return back to normal and move on with your life. We will send you a reminder to get tested in another three to six months, so you can stay on top of your health.

Dawn Serra: Yeah. That’s just one of the key things I really want everyone to take away is that if you have some type of potential exposure happen, getting tested the next day, which is the urge that we would have within us. The same thing where if you have a pregnancy scare, all you want to do is just go get that pregnancy test and test right now, even though that’s not going to tell you anything. So just making sure people know that after potential exposure and incubation periods, it might require multiple tests over a series of weeks or months since so having this as an option sounds like a really nice way to not have to go back to the doctor multiple times and have multiple conversations, but just being able to have this delivered and take care of it and send it off, sounds really easy.

Lora Ivanova: Absolutely. The best news is we’ve made it affordable. You can afford that out of pocket. Why this is important is because that means that your information is not shared with any insurance information agencies. Ultimately, the fact that you’ve tested for STIs, how often you test, and what those results are remain completely your ownership. The ability to also claim– You can actually use your FSA or HSA card. So if you have any of those health savings accounts, you can use those cards to purchase those tests and save, additionally. If you really want to potentially file a form with your insurance, if you really want to use that, you will be able to recoup the cost of the laboratory work itself. There is a way to do that with the service as well, if you really wanted to go through the insurance.

Dawn Serra: Do you have plans for getting this on the shelves and physical store locations at any point?

Lora Ivanova: We’re working on that. And, yeah. We would love to be able to make this available in stores as well. I think, for most of us, online shopping has become such an easy thing. It was really the no brainer place to start. But definitely, as we grow, that’s our goal is really making the box as accessible and easy to find as possible. So it really removes any possible hassle from your life, even potentially getting on your laptop.

Dawn Serra: You’re so right when you were talking about oral hygiene and that the easier it is to just get our hands on toothbrushes and toothpaste and being able to take care of our oral health on a day-to-day basis at home, the more all of us started adopting those practices. I love that this is available on Amazon and on your website and Walmart. I mean, that’s where probably most of us do our shopping these days. 

But I also love the idea of, “Hey, let the two of us on date night go to the store and get our kits and do this together.” It’s a way to not only bond, but be able to have the conversations. Yeah. I think your approach of starting online is great, and then expanding out just so that there’s every possible way to get people’s hands on this is such a fantastic thing.

Lora Ivanova: Yeah. I do think that, what more romantic of a thing than starting a relationship with somebody who cares about your health as much as they do about theirs. I think integrating something like, “Let’s test together.” You can just have a glass of wine, collect your samples, and just spend some time together. Get to know each other better before you dive in, and mail those tests, get those results in a couple of days, and proceed with a peace of mind. 

I think, ultimately, it relieves a lot of relationship tensions and a lot of pressure and a lot of fears. There’s already so much insecurity that we have with our bodies and with everything when it comes to a new partner. Let’s take one thing off the table, so we don’t have to worry about it. We can really just focus on the rest of the relationship.

Dawn Serra: Yeah. There was an article, I think, it was in Playboy recently, on playboy.com. It’s a really wonderful article about how being in a monogamous relationship doesn’t protect you from getting an STI. There was this wonderful study that was conducted talking about how either because people don’t really know their status and/or because people often define monogamy very differently, that even if you’ve been in a very long term relationship with someone, there’s still some risk that you could be exposed to STIs, either because of the long incubation period or because of infidelity. So even if you’re not new to dating, even if you’ve been together for 10, 15, 20 years, this could be a really wonderful way to have that conversation and just also offer that to each other. I just love the possibilities.

Lora Ivanova: Absolutely. That’s a very important point is, again, you may engage with a partner who is currently testing negative, who is just within their incubation timeframe. Three months down the line, they find out that they have an infection. At this point, you’ve already been infected. It becomes a little bit more challenging for monogamous relationships as well, as you said. People have different definitions of what that means. Sometimes there’s cheating involved, and it’s not necessarily a small percent of relationships that at some point experience infidelity. I think it’s important for us all to just be realistic. It doesn’t mean that you don’t need to trust your partner, but I do think it means that you just need to take care of your health collectively as a couple. Just the same way as you would working out together or just getting fit is making sure that both you and your partner can build a healthy relationship and enjoy good health.

Dawn Serra: Yeah. Oh, I love it. Yeah. Well, for people who are interested– 

Lora Ivanova: Want and dream, right?

Dawn Serra: Yeah, I know. It’s amazing. This is what I want everyone to feel comfortable enough to be able to actually talk about and do without the embarrassment or the awkwardness or the shame. I’ve told my story on the podcast before. But I’ve been in situations where I was worried that I might have been exposed to a potential STI. Even as an expert who talks about this all the time sitting on that table, I had all kinds of really yucky feelings coming up because I was so scared of, “Will this mean my partner leaves me? What does this mean for me going forward?” Just being able to recognize that we’re all in this together. We’re all feeling awkward around it. None of us have grown up with the training and the practice and having these conversations, but we have to start somewhere. As we get more practice and as we have these conversations more frequently, and as access becomes easier, then we all get better and level up together.

Lora Ivanova: I agree. And we deserve it. I think, frankly, it’s 2016 we deserve a better way to take care of our health. We deserve peace of mind. We deserve to have better relationships. We deserve to love better and to live better. I think that’s one thing that we just need to demand for ourselves and for everybody else around us. That’s really the only way that we are going to change anything and start feeling better in our bodies.

Dawn Serra: Yeah. Well, I would love for you to share with everyone one last time how they can find you online and learn more about myLAB Box?

Lora Ivanova: Absolutely. You can find at mylabbox.com. Again, there’s two Bs. You can also follow us on social media. We are on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Coming soon on Snapchat. Just connect with us. If you have any questions, we have chat, we have email, we have a way to get a hold of our customer service via phone call. Ask them, ask away, don’t be ashamed. Again, we are not recording your calls or in any way going to be following up with you. We are really a place where you could go and get a peace of mind for you and for your partner moving forward. So we look forward to seeing you at mylabbox.com and helping you off to a better start and better health.

Dawn Serra: Thank you so much for coming on the show and sharing all about your tests and the importance of knowing your status. I really appreciate it, Lora.

Lora Ivanova: Thank you. Thank you for having me on there. I look forward to talking to you soon.

Dawn Serra: Yes, absolutely. To all of our listeners, thank you so much for tuning in. I hope that you will go check out myLAB Box. Of course, all of the links that were just mentioned will be on dawnserra.com, so it’ll be a nice easy click to either follow them on social media or to pop over and get your own kit. So thank you so much. This is Dawn Serra with Sex Gets Real.